Forums Home

Carers Forum

Acceptance, connection, support. Share the journey.

Safe, anonymous discussion for people living with mental illness, moderated 24/7 by mental health professionals.

Read the community guidelines
cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Something’s not right

Casual Contributor

Better without me

My son is now 35. He has been diagnosed officially and unofficially with various issues. He does not accept mental illness as an isdue but sees anxiety etc as symptoms only of complex self-diagnosed physical issues, all of which are odd hard to prove and can manifest as practically anything. For a few years I managed

to get him to a doctor or psych but not now. 

It's such a complex and entangled story, I really just can't explain here.

He is staying with me on the couch in

A small flat. He is always angry at me and blames me for whatever he decides is the cause. Now its mold that he thinks is in his flat. I threw out the mattress and got a new one but he says its infected evetything. So new bedding and clothes. Ive spent a few hours every day for weeks cleaning it. He says its still making him permanently numb. He says he's lost 80% of sensation and that it will be permanent now like every other time....as I said ..long story. 

I am doing all I can while working full time to survive and pay for all this and getting older. In fact I am not well at all. That includes my own mental health. I have panic disorder and it has become much worse since he moved in a few weeks ago. He asks for so much but speaks to me in such a belittling and blaming way. Just this morning I mentioned not feeling well but he dislikes hearing anything about others health. Understatement. He said that there is nothing goid about me and that I have not even a base of value that could be worked on. But I give and give and I am getting older. I cry everyday in my room. From my perspective, I work full time, I study to maintain a job past 60, I do all the cleaning, I get what he needs yo the best of my ability. But to him, Im the problem. Yet here he is. 

He has no treatment and refuses. He does nit think he has a mental health problem. I try to help in whatever way he wants inclufing physical treatment but everything goes around in never ending circles. He talks in circles and you cant actually take action. 

He can become very bullying to me and says things that are very scaryabout voices and knives. But that was earlier in the year. I finally followed everyones  advice and called mental health who insisted on calling the cops. I was told I was to blame by mental health. That I was enabling. I needed yo get him help.

So... Drama..I cant go home for days..mental health..cops...all led to nothing as always. The hospital who sent people to my home to interview him said that there was no signs of any mental illness. He was just sad.

I told them he would perform and say thete was nothing wrong. Thry accepted his word. The person on the phone from mental health said if there is mental illness they cannot fake it. That is simply untrue. But that has left me with no where to turn.

And I end by saying, I think constantly that since everyone thinks I am the problem, the best thing really msy be that I am not here. I think of suicide daily..more than daily. If I wasnt here, something may finally be done. 

 

 

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Better without me

hi @Sharona1 

 

I'm sorry to read that you are going through a difficult time. Have you tried asking for a Mental Health Care Plan from your GP?

 

Please contact support lines if you need more support.

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

 

You don’t deserve to go through this alone. For lots of people who experience thoughts of suicide, they can find it helpful to put together a safety plan. We really encourage you to give it a go here. You might also like to have a read of this resource on coping with thoughts of suicide. 

 

Take care

SleepyPanda

Highlighted

Re: Better without me

@Sharona1 ,

I am so sorry for what you are going through! I really hope you dont hurt yourself! I dont think thats the answer. Call lifeline if you keep having those thoughts. 

Yes, I am sure your son has a legitimate illness, but he is being very selfish and treating you badly. 

I have a son with depression and anxiety as well as on the autism spectrum. He hurt himself last night and my husband spent the whole night in emergency with him. I am hoping that this time my son will consent to going back to counselling. I am very lucky, I have a lot of support. But it can feel vsry lonely sometimes.   I guess because everyone's situation is so different. 

I find doing things for myself helpful. Just to get my mind off the caring. Maybe you have interests? 

I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you are a very caring mother. 

Re: Better without me

@Sharona1  Hi Sharona1 this will be hard words for you to hear but I think it is time for you to place your needs first and to move your 35 year old son out. Whether he has a mi or not having him live with you is obviously a toxic situation for both of you. Don't do this by yourself enlist a couple of friends to help you if you do not have friends family members preferably male and move your son out of your flat.

 

I have a son2 of whom I am seriously considering moving out over the next year so that he can grow as a individual. It will be hard on both of us but in the end I believe it will be the best thing for both of us. Don't forget about yourself in all of this. Love peax

Re: Better without me

Hello @Sharona1 

Everything that the others have said to you is the plain truth as hard as it will be to read it.

 

I have been in exactly the  same situation with  a family member I need to refer to in this way..

the person is extremely clever..

the person has done exactly as you described played the game..when the mental health triage showed up on more than one occasion..

it took about 18 months for them to finally listen and that was because myself and person's father stood united 

the only time the triage listen is if you tell them that person's life or someone else's is at risk...

some should not be working in the field..

to tell you that they cannot hide mental illness is absolute rot...

they are very artful as they learn to carefully choose their words and behave and say  what they know will allow them to slip under the radar yet again..

my member I cannot even speak to on the phone anymore as has had what I have been told psychotic episodes where I too am accused of causing the problems..

Setting personal boundaries advising that I will hang up if any more aggression is used worked for quite some time.

the last call last week made me feel physically ill and frightened of person...so I am now having a break and not answering calls.

My health deteriorated and my own mind health has been affected.

I have a therapist with whom I can discuss all of this..

Have you heard of Carers Australia...

if you have not ring them and tell them what you have written about..

you will be able to have some free counselling over 4 months...

if you do not have the time to go you can ask for phone counselling..

Your son plays the victim and instead of acknowledging his own issues turns them against you most likely out of guilt..

look after yourself and do not hesitate to call the police if he threatens you..

You are an excellent mum and do not listen to any of the blame...he is very unwell.

take care

I am glad that you found the forums..

I found them over two years ago now because my family member circumstances led me to seek some help..

 

Re: Better without me

Hi Sheila

I do have some interests but the situation is so difficult and so ongoing. When things go particularly bad I find that I can't  do anything. I am studying but it's a constant battle with the drama. Deadlines dont fit around his stuff. There's work as well. More deadlines. He doesnt care sbout that. 

Yes, it woyld be nice to have even one other person but it's just me. Not even a psycholigist, a friend, a family member. 

Thanks anyway

Sharona

Re: Better without me

Hi Greenpea

I have done this twice . In particular after the police etc around April this year. He just moved back for a while agsin. I was in a particularly demanding week with deadlines and an impirtant job interview and he contacted me telling me he thought he was having a big reaction to mould that he thought was in his mattress. He says he was numb and all dorts of very dramatic symptoms. I tried to stall for a few days...but after a couple of days he was compketely angry and blaming me for not caring. I told him to come. He stayed but he has to sleep on the couch in a tiny unit and he us super sensitive to everything including any light or sound. Life is difficult. I went back and forward cleaning his place bt im working and studying and getting older. My own health is not what it was - even in April. He also said there was a mould thing. I rebought and cleaned etc etc. His symptoms are very dramstic but he wont get checked at a doctor. It could be anxiety related or health delusions . I don't know. Last time he was checked doctors found nothing. 

 

He moved back to his place at his own acvord but now is angry that I wont make a decision about whther he should stsy or go. I said he is welcome to be here fir now but he is angry. I really can't explain the complexities. 

There is absolutely no.one anymore. No family or friends who will help at all. 

Difficult. Problem is the constant drama and impossible dilemmas and blame and expenses is making me less and less able to cope and to have any hope. He has always said I'm the problem. I was cleaning up his place again and I took things out of a box and he says it released mold spores and now Ive ruined his health forever. 

It's always like this. 

Thanks

Sharona

Re: Better without me

Sleepy Panda

This has been going on for a long long time. I have done all the things U'm supposed to fo. Yes, I've done lots of Mental health plans, especially in the worst times. Especially when things are bad for my son  Or when my panic gets bad. Or both. I get some guidance that eventually ends with me contacting mental health about my don and drama escalates and I get no help. Over and over and over. But no one will step in and really help. Listen to what I say . My son just tells them a story and away they go. Bye!!! 

It's not free.  I pay 70 a week above the cost paid by mental health. 

My son needs help but he doesnt kniw that or accept it. The system does not work in these situations. 

Thanks

Sharon

Re: Better without me

Hi Sophia

Thsnk you. You're the first person who has ever understood at all...What can you do when there is just no help for them? He thinks he is very ill whether he is or not. He cannot look after himself when he gets really bad. He does not work and doesn't have any social interaction other than me except a little online. He seems to have a neurological condition. He thinks he has all sorts of ever changing life and death issues and I just happen to be responsible. 

He needs someone to work with him wisely. Play along and find a way to connect and to encourage him to get help. 

Im turning 60 and I'm so worried what will happen when I can't wirk etc anymore. I dont own a house etc.  Then again, he makes me feel I am the problem and I'm trying my best so the only way is not to be here. 

I feel stuck. But Ive been stuck for a long time. 

Thanks though

Sharon

Re: Better without me

I cannot type your forum name. It breaks my heart to think you have come to feel that way.  I too am in your situation, with my 39 year old daughter, except she is not physically aggressive, for which I am deeply thankful.

 

I want to share with you some information about action I have recently taken. I thought it seemed likely to be a waste of time, but I made a formal application to the Guardianship Tribunal, asking for help in getting the proper medical treatment she desperately needs (although she denies it). I did not have high expectations, but after speaking privately to my daughter on the phone, and also talking privately with me, the Tribunal found that my daughter does not have presently have the capacity to make good decisions about her own heath. This has only just happened, but I have been advised that a Medical Guardian will be appointed (a person in the Office of the Public Guardian) to manage my daughter's medical treatment. There was is no formal finding yet as to the precise nature of her condition, but it was mentioned that severe depression, if left untreated, will cycle through the stages that you mentioned your son has gone through (and my daughter).  The Tribunal said the first step will be a full neurological assessment, and the results of that will be used to determine a treatment plan.  The Tribunal was also concerned about the financial situation (like you, I pay for everything). So they are also appointing an Advocate to deal with Centrelink, NDIS etc on my daughter's behalf to ensure she has income of her own. So it's early days yet, but finally there is a glimmer of light. I am sure that whatever State of Australia you live in has a Guardianship Tribunal and an Office of the Public Guardian. So please, think about it and make the necessary enquires. Your son needs medical treatment and you cannot force him to consent to it. The Guardianship Tribunal or Board can give that consent of his behalf. Once you are relieved of that responsibility, and your son receives proper treatment, hopefully you can go back to being a loving Mum and enjoy your life again. 
I sincerely hope this info is of some help. Very best wishes from Little_fish.

For urgent assistance, call: