Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

hello @Former-Member

yes what the policeman said is correct.

i have been in a controlling relationship like that. they feed off our vulnerability and reel us back in.

your daughter will see and speak to a psychiatrist while in hospital.

hopefully she will be willing to go to her gp and be referred to a specialist who specialises in domestic violence.or trauma.

she is on the path out of there.

one step at a time for all of you.

thinking of you.

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Former-Member@misunderstood

I think I was shell shocked when the police came to the door as I was oblivious to what was going on. But yes, someone she texted threatening self harm had called the police. It ended up being she took those 3 tablets I mentioned and they made her dizzy and she passed out. She said she just wanted to sleep. But given her track record they took her to the hospital to check her out and for a psych evaluation. They said she needed counselling and to stay off social media - which ironically I said to her earlier that day.

So she is back home but I am not sure how to feel about the situation. Firstly the assault I mentioned -  it would seem she won't press charges. And she is finding trouble by adding people she doesn't know to facebook and is putting herself out there on questionable dating sites. I have to admit I feel upset with her presently because she is an adult and does know the difference between good and bad choices. And those bad choices is putting her and us through hell.

So presently I am processing all this, - not sure what I will say and do. She just lies in her room now - it also looks like she has lost her job, again. She will only get worse lying in there doing nothing. I wish she would stop seeing a partner as her be all and end all and mixing with the wrong people. I wish she would go after a course or career/purpose and grow in herself. How do I get this all through to her?

Sorry for babbling but this I didn't expect as she seemed to be growing, improving. Thankyou @Former-Member@misunderstood for your kind words of support and wisdom - you really are very special. And have helped me tremendously. Sorry this thread turned around so suddenly as my intention was to support you! My life is so tumultuous, never know what is around the corner. I shall try and not let it get me down and keep active. Then try and figure out what the next step is with my daughter - encourage her to seek counselling I think. 

It must be so hard for you @Former-Member not knowing where your son is and with him not receiving proper treatment because he keeps moving around. We are all really going through it and I so hope for all of us that we can find some resolution and improvement with our children in 2017. That it will be a better year for us all. What would we do without hope?

I do also hope this post finds you both having a relaxing Sunday and please keep posting. Thinking of you both. Sending warm hugs 💕

[misunderstood]

 Going for a walk is a good idea. let the sun make you smile, flex the face muscules up instead of down...there is good still there even if its hard to see right now.

Maybe you could get someone you trust sit with you while you talk to your son. I know that works sometime for me when something is said and I get confused and wonder why I was spoken to in such a manner.

I  found that sleep was the best refuge. i didn't have to think when I was asleep. I think I got to a stage that any time I was stressed I would sleep. I thought it became a bad habit. while it made me feel better and everything was better to cope with when I woke up, I found it was a problem too, because it prevented me from doing anything else. however, when I went to my doctor he reasured  me that it woudn't hurt me. That helped me settle. This went on for many years before I dealt with my own problems. Now that I'm trying to cope with my daughter. I experience nightmares and wake up crying. The nightmares happen while I am awake too sometimes. I can't seem to stop those thoughts from coming. I put that down to no forethcoming communication with her and also the length of time between hearing from her.

please keep writting. you have great strength and will come through a little stronger each time even if you don't think so at the time.

[misunderstood]

Hi @Former-Member,

thank you for updating us on your daughter. What a relief that the police turning up wasn't as bad as it could have been.

don't worry about the "babbling" It give a better picture of where your at. Life changes can happen so fast. thank you for your thoughtfulness over the last couple of my miserable emotions when you helped me so much with your advice and caring nature.

Its hard enough to deal with mental illness that you know about, but when problems like your daughter comes at you from unknown directions, at a time you don't expect, so suddenly.... even in your own home  and while all else seems so calm, its so unbelievably hard that it numbs you for such a long time.

You can't help how you feel about her being at home again, so just be patient about it and satisfy yourself about the fact she IS safe, at least  for the moment. She knows she has everyone attention now.

Some times, with assault of the nature your daughter experienced just recently it is hard to  "strike while the iron is hot" because of so many feeling and emotions, She is probably still reeling from the experience and could be for many years to come. sorry  @Former-Member, I don't mean to be negative but she may need her space to process her way right now too.

but for yourself., like yourself, don't blame youself,  keep watch, like her in spite of all the trouble ( you don't have to like whats happened or why or how),  forgive her as quickly as you can. FORGIVE YOURSELF AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN TOO. You are a good and loving mum, be patient with her.Be patient with you too. Remember..... baby steps. don't worry about her work situation or her future right now. todays troubles are enough for today, just be here,now, firstly for you and then for your daughter. It is ok to be you and to feel this way It is a reaction to an abnormal situation. right now you don't have to  "make the best of it", You just have to be....

encoourageing her to get some counciling is good I hope she follows that up soon, then , maybe she might be able to see the future road she needs to tread that would be preferable to the one she has just trodden. I'll pray for this for you both.

[Former-Member]

hello @misunderstood @Former-Member

i am trying to put the call out of my mind today. i have a psychiatrist appointment in the morning and will talk to him about it. In fact I have done nothing else since he was first detained in october. every appointment, i am having an extra one a week as well, so three times a week i talk about basically nothing else but my son and how it is affecting me also how it is affecting my relationship with my husband at the moment as well. He of course does not like to see me upset and doesnt really like me talking to him. we have talked about it and i have explained that he is still my son regardless of the horrid illness and i have to be here for him and help him within reason. i have an appointment with a psychologist on tuesday who is going to see me for 6 sessions to discuss the illness schizophrenia, symptoms, how I can deal with it when talking to my son and how to look after myself. all sounds wonderful, signed, sealed.delivered. Having had mentall illness for the better part of my life i have to say i am feeling a tad cynical.however i am open to listening and even if i get 1 grain of hope that will be worthwhile.

i also have been through the nightmare day and night scenario. i had everyone dying. even people i know and havent seen for a while. it was bizarre and dreadful. so i have been prescribed prn until i get through this period. he keeps saying that to me. his comment of "this period" was back in about june. other stuff has just been happening and piling up on top so "this period" as i said to him yesterday seems to have been extended until indefinitely.

over the edge - i cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now and your husband. plus your daughter. of course she is not sharing her thoughts with you but they are obviously very alarming for her. i am not a medical person but it seems to me as though her self esteem is extremely low and would be after being in a controlling relationship. i know this myself from experience. they are very clever and manipulative behind closed doors. she has probably started hating and self loathing which might be part of her illness and therefore leading her to put herself on these sites. i hope that she will be seeing a specialist very soon. self loathing causes people to actually not care about themselves and their welfare.

im assuming that she is on medication. she has been released from hospital because they believe that she is not a threat to herself. 

the phone situation is the social media situation - this is out of my depth i dont know much about bpd.

i know that she needs to be with herself, take in what has happened, what nearly did happen. she has some soul searching to do on her own. this might just be the tip, balancing act to do that. it might not. only she can do that.

you are there she is in your home. that is probably the best you are going to get for a while.i wouldnt press her about the whys and whats. she might tell you later she might not. she just needs mummy and daddy even though she might not accept that.

so just be mummy and daddy for a while.

im hoping that someone who knows about bpd can assist you as well.

you could try emailing a moderator for some help about that - are either of you or your husband computer savvy - read up on symptoms, how to handle actually no dont do that it will do your head in. make an appointment with your own gp for yourself and get a referral to a counsellor who deals with bpd.

for tonight, just hold one another, be calm, quiet, tell the family how much you love one another. you will be surprised how much you get back from that. i did that when i had my son issue stuff . we are so hard on ourselves as humans and when things go wrong we put up these protective shells and become human islands  unreachable sending out all these incorrect messages to everyone.

make her a card with her favourite colours and both write on their love you  in words that you might have used when she was a little girl. otherwise dont overdo it. baby steps

will keep in touch. stay safe.

[Former-Member]

Thankyou @misunderstood@Former-Member once again 🌹

What a lovely post @misunderstood - you are a beautiful person. Your words were so soothing.

Yes, that numbness mixed with that horrible distressing anxiety. I didn't know whether I was coming or going there for a little while - but I took @Former-Member's advice and reread my own post on this thread and took my own advice. When I woke up this morning in the midst of such a low mood I went downstairs and did 30 mins of a aerobics workout. Felt great. I laughed and joke with my husband and kept the daily events normal. I refused to let the situation drag me down.

My daughter came down whilst exercising and said "what are you doing?". I haven't exercised like this for so long and now intend to keep it up. Mind you it was the last thing I felt like doing but it felt really good and lifted me. I think it shocked my daughter. But was is in a fierce mood. This usually would of made her smile. She did start to demand things and after I quietly explained why I couldn't do that for her right now, and that she was capable of doing these things herself, she roared abuse at me. I put my foot down and told her if she attacks like that to take it elsewhere and that it's time for her to grow up and start making wise choices. You could of heard a pin drop.

It sounds harsh but my daughter has been violent in the past and I had to stop her anger before it escalated. If she gets away with it she gets worse. She went to her room then. My husband said he was proud of my strength and for doing the right thing. So that made me feel better. It's not always easy to discern the right course of action with someone like my daughter, but with anyone a line has to be drawn in the sand otherwise abuse will occur.

She ended up doing those things she was trying to force me to do. And she seems quiet but okay so far. She put on facebook an old photo of me and her under good memories. And then put a post showing a big rubber with "making big mistakes" on it with her caption "Oh shit" (sorry for the language but that's how she speaks). So maybe I got through a bit. But it will take her more time to grow within. She is very immature. But with time I believe she will and with exercisingnthat self discipline will help her MI no end. That's been my experience. 

We found out she had been conversing with her abusive ex again -- she knows this triggers despair and suicidal tendencies in her. She knows he is no good for her. This is what triggered last night I found out. She needs to stop and think of the consequences of her choices as most of her poor choices has resulted in mental distress and illness in her (not all, she was abused but she keeps going back for more knowing the result and doing herself more damage - and us!). My daughter needs to make wiser choices to protect herself now as I cannot do that for her.

That  is where I am at at the moment. How are you @misunderstood and @Former-Member today? Hugs xx

[Former-Member]

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@mohill wrote:

@Hello @misunderstood @Former-Member

over the edge - i cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now and your husband. plus your daughter. of course she is not sharing her thoughts with you but they are obviously very alarming for her. i am not a medical person but it seems to me as though her self esteem is extremely low and would be after being in a controlling relationship. i know this myself from experience. they are very clever and manipulative behind closed doors. she has probably started hating and self loathing which might be part of her illness and therefore leading her to put herself on these sites. i hope that she will be seeing a specialist very soon. self loathing causes people to actually not care about themselves and their welfare.

 will keep in touch. stay safe.

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Hello again dear @Former-Member

Please let us know how your appt in the morning goes. I am firm with my daughter when she is aggressive because of her violent/abusive tendencies towards us, but I can understand that in your circumstances with your son on the phone is totally different. I would do the same thing as you have been doing - I would support him and be there too, it is so important to try and keep the lines of communication open in order to help keep him safe. But it would be so stressful on you and it is good if you can allow your mind a break from it - allowing yourself to relax in between. You are a good mum doing the best you can which is all any of us can do. Do you know where your son is currently?

Your analogy of my daughter was "spot on". She has very low self esteem and self loathing - and the choices she is making is feeding that. I try and boost her but when she is in a very low mood it makes no difference. When she is in a better frame of mind I will try and encourage her to arrange counselling. I just wish she could see that it doesn't have to be this hard, that she is worthy and that one day she will meet someone who will value her for her. But she is very immature and very self destructive, but I won't give up trying to get through. It did help for a bit temporarily, but she chose to get back in contact with the ex and mingle in dangerous company. She needs to wake up to what she is doing to herself. You are right, she doesn't care for her welfare, but I let her know everyday that I do. It's very hard when someone will not help themselves - she has to...

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I so appreciate and admire you for helping us on here when you are under so much strain yourself. You are a very special person. I can understand the strain you would be experiencing in your relationship with your husband because of the worry over your son;, - that is why I forced myself to do what I did today and this eased the tension and worry for mine and put a smile on his face. Remember my friend that you have a life too - look after you as well and let yourself enjoy the things you use to. You may have to force it at first, push a little, but you will feel better for it. A little bit each day at your pace.  I will say this took me years of growth and practise to master and it is never easy. But is well worth it. Good will win in the end my friend and somehow when we do our best it will all work out. 

Look forward to hearing how your appt goes. Sending lots of love 💕

[Former-Member]

hello @Former-Member

am so proud of you girl - on the bike full on exercise - what a way to prove to your daughter i talk the talk and walk the walk or whatever.

brilliant idea and helpful for your husband to see you taking it out on the bike.

i have a cross trainer here. i put the music on full blast andim off.

i have let it go for about 2 weeks and have only been on here a couple of times. oddly enough i went on today for a whole total of 10mins !! whoopy doo.

you have challenged me now. tomorrow i will be back. can you please start going for a walk then i can get back in to my walking laugh. miss that.

have taken my medication so am heading off to get a good sleep hopefully minus weird dreams. same to all of you have a restful night.

did you ever play family boardgames, cards, anything like that. just trying to think of stuff you did together that she enjoyed. she might tell you that you have lost the plot or she might just love the idea.

will keep in touch. night night xx

[Former-Member]

hello @Former-Member @misunderstood

well  i tried ringing twice this morning. recorded message "hmm the person doesnt seem to be responding at the moment" then no opportunity to leave message. i sent him a text message asking how he was, telling him that i had tried ringing today and would he call me as i needed to know that he is ok. no response as yet. I have to be so careful choosing my words. I felt quite nauseous leading up to making the call, dreading that he would answer and also that he wouldn't.

he may still be asleep. i refuse to think about anything else.

My husband told me that i was spending far too much time on the computer writing messages. I explained about the site again. He doesn't think it is healthy for me. Feels that i shouldn't be reading about other's problems have enough of my own. i explained that it helped and even though the circumstances are all different there is a common thread of living the dreadful experiences, talking about them with others who have empathy because they have experienced trauma themselves. Reaching out to others and receiving thanks is so therapeutic. my husband just shook his head and said well i dont understand and i dont want you getting any more upset. This is the issue he can't bear to see me upset because he feels he has to fix the problem and i've told him that is just not going to happen. i reassured him that i have breaks from here as well.

I have my first appointment with the psychologist tomorrow re giving advice on paranoid schizophrenia.

i have been on the cross trainer once this morning am going back on it now with music blaring away.

i just have to remember to breathe and to smile. smile feels very plastic but apparently seratonin is released even with plastic smiles. so am going with that.

hope things are reasonably quiet and calm in your worlds and that you both are having some relief.

take care and sending much love to all of you xx xx I have lots to spread.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Former-Member@misunderstood

How are you both going today? How did the appt go @Former-Member? What are you doing for Christmas @misunderstood

It was in a sense a good outcome for my daughter that no actual self harm was attempted. Her prescribed meds made her drowsy and weak. That's all thankfully. The person whom rang the police was her ex whom was unfortunately trying to exert control and harm to her once again. But she needs to keep away from him and make wiser choices. She really needs counselling, so hopefully this will happen in the New Year.

Yes @Former-Member - I am walking as well! Will be enjoying the Christmas lights in our surrounding neighbour this evening. Hope this post finds you both feeling better. Warm hugs 💕