Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Smc]

If I may open a discussion. There are times when "Trust your gut" just doesn't work.

If I trusted my gut when it comes to trips up to my parents' place, most of them wouldn't happen. It's hard buying the ticket. I've had times when I've arrived at the city interchange, and "following my gut" would put me on the next train back home.

And there's times too when I feel like winding up a phonecall with our daughter, or walking out of a hospital room, because my mind just doesn't want another layer of trauma.

In both cases, I need to "fight my gut" for the good of the other person, and sometimes for my own good too. But I'm concerned at what that level of internal conflict does to me in the long term. So I try to balance that with other aspects of self care instead.

So what do other people do when their gut feeling is to "run away", but they know they need to stay? (I'm absolutely sure I won't be the only one who goes through this truggle.)

[Former-Member]

Will need to think about that one @Smcbut initial thoughts are when things are hard, I think to some extent we all want to run and hide and perhaps I don't think of that as a 'gut feeling' per se and think of it more as a fear and that we need courage in spite of our fears. Being there and loving someone when life is difficult for them (such as with your daughter - having the boundary of her not living with you) or sorting the house as your parents are unable to is hard but something you might see as not negotiable.  (I hope you don't mind me using examples that you have given).

When I am having doubts or want to run, I ask myself is it fear/other vs gut feeling that I am having.

A simple example of a gut feeling that I had was I suspected Mr Darcy's new therapist would offer him mindfulness and suggested to treating team that it might be wise for correspondance to be entered into as he does not connect with this. They did not feel this necessary, mindfulness was offered in 2nd session, Mr Darcy finished up with therapist session 3. Still trying to work out if my "gut feeling" around Mr Darcy's diagnosis is more a fear.

[Determined]

@Smc  that is a hard one. 

For us at least it varies widely. 

There have been times where I have stayed and concerns turned out to be a fizz. There have been times I have been glad I stuck by and there have been times when I wished I had stayed closer.  This last one ramps up guilt and fear for me. Thankfully for us I now have 3 people I can count on to stop by for a 'visit' when I am concerned so I can get away if I have to. 

For me when I feel like I want to run away that is when my instinct is screaming loudest to stay. But that is for us and based on our dynamic and past events. 

Hope this helps. 

[Former-Member]

Yikes @Smc  edited my previous post as I realised I had not worded it well at all well, I am sorry if it caused any offense.

[Smc]

@Former-Member, we've been out all morning. Only just got on to look at posts, so I guess I'll never know what I might have found offensive. 😛

The distinction between "gut feelings" and fears makes sense. I guess the problem there is discerning which is which.

[Former-Member]

Didn't frame the quoted sentence well @Smc and it was not clear that it was a question I asked myself.

"When I am having doubts or want to run, I ask myself is it fear/other vs gut feeling that I am having."

[Shaz51]

@Smc, @Former-Member , @Determined , @Ali11 

hope you don`t mind but I have read your comments and it is very interesting

and it is hard too " as I want to be near mum and to help as much as i can , but I am feeling sick in the stomach which i am thinking gall bladder but wondering if it is anxiety

[Former-Member]

Could be either or both @Shaz51.

Are you able to articulate the feelings you have in relation to your Mum?

Have you noticed when these pains come on? After meals? If hungry? When you think about Mum? 

[Smc]

@Shaz51, you're more than welcome. 'Tis good having somewhere we can talk about things like this.
I've certainly had stomach pains from anxiety. At their worst, it's gotten to the point of stomach spasms that left me aching like I was recovering from gastro. I'm better nowadays at finding ways to pause and relax myself when things get too stressful. The other physical thing that happens is that I'm running to the toilet every 15 minutes, which is a "fight or flight" reaction. I guess the body tries to get rid of as much as possible so that it's not an issue in the imminent "fight or flight", but when there is no such incident it only serves to leave me sore, depleted and dehydrated... Again, that's an obvious cue to find some way of relaxing, even if its just lying down for five minutes and focusing on my breathing.

Although it's always wise to rule out physical illnesses/disorders too. Some of which will be exacerbated by stress.

Getting really "physical" here. Apologies if it's TMI.

[Ali11]

That's a good point @Smc, sometimes our gut is the last thing we should listen to if it's holding us back from something we want or need to do. You're definitely not alone in that  One tip we've heard recently is to say to yourself "I'm not here to negotiate with myself. If I decide we're doing something, we're doing it." It was said about people waking up and snoozing their alarm, but it works for so many things in our day  What do you usually do in those situations?