Kataquarius, the amount of times I have broken down and done the same I've lost count of. Depression is one thing, ahedonia another, add pot and your left with a shell. It's an insidious drug that i never imagined would be so harmful and addictive. I absolutely hate it and it's destroying our lives. Depression isn't a choice, pot is. I've tried ultimatums, but the reality is once the dependency sets in it's like a third person that I'm constantly fighting to get ahead of in the queue.
I've had to have strong analgesia tonight because I'm sore from the accident. When the cops came to my house all she did was hid. I've taken her stash and hidden it. In the past she's drugged me (accidentally) with something she'd hid in Different packaging and has asked me to take her weed, put it in my car and when I saw how much was there freaked out. Just under and ounce, hash pipes, the lot. She's left the oven on overnight twice, and drives under the influence. If anyotknows about weed addiction it's me and I'm telling you now, don't think for a second it's any less of a sentence than herion or meth. A true addict will always chose their drug over their lives. I've been chewed up and spat out several times. Despite my partners claim to smoking once a week, I know it's not going to happen. It's just more BS. What's worse is some psychologists will condone its use. So be prepared...
5 days off and she's smoking tonight. Gave me attention and affection under the influence, normally wouldn't. It makes me sick to the core. If this doesn't leave our lives I will be leaving her and I'm looking forward to it. Last night was the last straw for me and she has not even acknowledged how screwed up the sequence of events were and all instigated by the one thing that she will lose me over. I've warned her that if I make the choice to go, that will be it. There will be no return. And this is why I'm still here, because it will be final and she will have lost someone including our kids that she will always regret losing. I know that once I go, it's a boundary and there won't be any return so I need to be certain that I won't remit the consequence. I'm also aware this is probably the thing she needs to wake her up. I have considered leaving to start that process and have even been advised to, but I can't bluff her, that would be going against my values.
I'm looking forward to the day I'm free, wether it's with or without her and the relief that will come with it.
I'm here to talk but I am very bitter and resentful at the moment. Every situation is different and I sincerely hope yours doesn't unfold in the same way I can see mine is going to. I regularly speak to drug counsellors and there is a percentage of users that stop and save their families. Something that a counsellor said that I spoke to today really stuck; Addicts can and do change, but it's not ever going to be on your clock. Attempting to control the use will only exhaust you.
And that's where I'm at. Exhausted, emotionally shattered, confused, resentful, angry, bitter and empty.
Today is day 13 of meds. I haven't voiced this yet to anyone else and I'm unsure if I'm ready to do this, but I've been thinking of seeing through the meds until they reach their therapeutic dose (which won't be for another 6 weeks, then giving that dose 6 months for the full effect. So I'm considering a time frame boundary. And if their aren't changes by then, leaving. That's just under a year, so effectively by this time next year I will be free, together or not from the two controlling insidious beasts that have destroyed my partner and consequently our beautiful life we had together. We were living the dream and the grief in losing that is immeasurable.
Love and hugs x
