Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[CarersHelpline]

@SadMum. You have been very supportive and kept your door open. But it sounds like you have reached a point where it is important that you keep a distance and allow him to first accept the need for change.

[CarersHelpline]

Hi @Rover. You are in a difficult place as you wish to keep your relationship with your daughter but also want her to get the right support and treatment that she needs to manage her illness. As hard as it seems, sounds like your daughter requires planned ongoing treatment and you think this is the place she should be at. Would it help if you spoke to a professional ( e.g. a carer worker) regarding your options. It could be a carer helpline in your relevant location.

[SadMum]

@CarersHelpline - it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've tried in before but couldn't make it last very long because I felt sorry for him, but this time, I am tired and exhausted from the abuse and something in me has shifted. I love him to bits and pieces and only want him to be happy but I can no longer jeopardise my own mental health in the process of trying to help his. I hope he seeks help and I hope he can get well and I hope when that happens I can be well enough to support him through that. But as I said already that needs to be as a result of his own desire. And maybe as you've said to another contributer, it can and often is a significant incident that is the catylist....maybe that will be soon for him or maybe it was last week with a trip with the police to the Mental Health Unit. Unfortunately, I can't know that and one of the hardest parts of dealing with a loved one with mental health issues is the stepping back from wanting to fix them. And I found that as a mum, the transition from  "mothering" your child and "supporting" an adult child who can and should make their own decisions is one of the most difficult transitions I've ever been faced with. My maternal urge to continually save him from his self is incredibly persistent.

[Cazzie]

@CarersHelpline
In many ways we've been lucky. My husband had a GP who really cared and sent him to a psychologist who really knows his stuff! But we're 12 years down the track and it's only been this year that he went into a mental health facility (voluntarily, I should point out) to get help for his PTSD and the associated dependencies that go along with it.
When he came out of that clinic he was disoriented, dissociative and, once again, in denial. That was three months ago. He's just now reaching a point where he can openly say to me "I'm not coping".

[NikNik]

What an amazing discussion that's going on.

There seems to be many of us in similar situations - somewhere along the spectrum.

@SadMum - it seems like you're considering making boundaries...

Which is something that I'd like to put to all of you....

What boundaries have you  put in place? How do you manage these?

[CarersHelpline]

@SadMum. When we observe the carers making this transition, its hard for them but the resilience makes one more aware of their own carer journey and moving out of the rescuing mother role is significant in this recovery.

[Cazzie]

@SadMum and @Rover 

I feel for you in your situation.  Your emotional pain but be severe.  I'm wondering if you've sought support for yourselves in all this?

The reason I ask is because I didn't and I've had to pay the price.  Because my husband is a functioning person who just happens to have a MI it never crossed my mind that I should seek help for myself.  I went along to many of his counselling sessions and was able to express some of my concerns and issues in those but it wasn't until he came out of the clinic in August that I realised that I truly did need help "just for me".

Reaching that realisation is what brought me here a few months ago.  I also now have a counsellor that I can see regularly if only to vent.  I'm not sure how well I'd be doing right now if weren't for these forums and that counsellor.

[CarersHelpline]

@Cazzie. You have gone through a roller coaster ride with your husbands recovery and we would like to acknowledge his and yours persistence and resilience.

[CarersHelpline]

@Cazzie. Thats great that you have sorted support for yourself as a carer. It is so important for carers to realize that their well being is one of the most significant things for themselves and their loved ones.
Its like giving the analogy of putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others.
There are a number of carer support services across the country and we urge carers to make use of this and get the support they need.

[Eagle]

@NikNik& @Cazzie 

Looks like you're both talking about similar things - taking care of yourself.

🙂