Lived Experience Forum

[JLC]

I suppose there is no easy way to express my emotional mix, but in a nutshell, I have suffered emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my mother, yet at the same time, she never failed to care for me in terms of a place to live in, food to eat, etc. How does one reconcile these two opposing behaviours?

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @JLC . I'm sorry to hear about your mother's abuse.

I have lived through this situation too. In my case, it was like the material provision of food and shelter meant I could be treated however they wished, with no care for my mental or emotional welfare. So it's almost like it wasn't opposing behaviours at all; one allowed the other, sadly. They could lie to themselves that they were a good parent, when they weren't.

It is not OK to provide for someone materially but abuse them emotionally or physically or in any way. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Do you have any professional supports in place, like a good GP or counsellor? Complex childhood trauma can leave a lifetime of damage. 😞 I have been working on it for years with my therapist, and have made good progress, but unfortunately I think it's something that can never be fully healed. 

[JLC]

Well, thank you for actually listening. Being able to empathise through experience goes a long way, and it means a great deal to me.

I've never had treatment specifically for this; I am purposefully vague because I can't go through the emotional drain of potentially having law enforcement involved.

I think this experience has made me aim for constant perfection and a craving for constant approval. At times, I find myself thinking of it all then I end up moaning out loud, leaving whomever is near me to ask what's wrong. "Oh, nothing". Sometimes I dream of her yelling and screaming at me, and I wake up, probably without sleep this night.

How do you reconcile things? I still keep in contact with her, and whilst I'll never receive the apology I long for, I'm just confused.

[Maggie]

@JLC @NatureLover  I also have a history of abuse, and at the hands of a mother.

@JLC  I understand so much of what you are saying. I think your own words ‘ purposely vague’ is such a good description. Also not wanting to involve enforcement. But it will never change, she will never change.

I found a good social worker. Please try to find help. This really isn’t something you can do on your own. You deserve care. 

I think aiming for perfection and constant approval is all part of the same picture. Hoping to be good enough. While that might not ever be a reality with your mother, you are good enough.

Take care.💜💜

[Trikarri]

It's a hard line to reconcile.  These things damage beyond the time it happened and makes a change.  Nurture.

For some parts of life we have to acknowledge what has been and step forward.  Which way is totally up to you.  

I'm not forgiving, and I am very aware of that. Reconciliation isn't in my thought process, acceptance of what was and looking forward. Yup, super hard and no, I'm not there yet.  Although it's a better mental place to be than where I was with my family!

[NatureLover]

@JLC , I hear you. I used to long for an apology too, but you're right, it will never come and I've accepted that mostly. I had to separate out from that parent; I'm still in contact, but not much contact these days. It's done me good to do that, and has allowed me to move on.

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@JLC wrote:
I've never had treatment specifically for this; I am purposefully vague because I can't go through the emotional drain of potentially having law enforcement involved.

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I don't think that talking it through with a therapist would necessarily result in law enforcement being involved. I know that I don't know your situation or how old you are (no need to disclose), but if you don't press charges then surely nothing will happen. I would definitely recommend talking it through with a therapist over a long time frame - this has resulted in a lot of healing for me. 

[NatureLover]

@Maggie  and @Trikarri  - I am sorry to hear that you've both been through this too. 😞

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@Trikarri wrote:

I'm not forgiving, and I am very aware of that. Reconciliation isn't in my thought process, acceptance of what was and looking forward. Yup, super hard and no, I'm not there yet.  Although it's a better mental place to be than where I was with my family!

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I agree, @Trikarri . It's almost too big a damage to forgive. 

Wishing for healing for you both, and @JLC .