Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Is it bad we have self pity days? Like yes I got a mental illness but there are kids staving so do I have the rights to go argh life is not fair?

I'm just having one of those teary weeks. I'm feeling not right. I feel my new medication is working but my mania is coming in hard and is testing my medication and I don't think my medication is going to hold out.

Then I started thinking what if it dosent. I'm going to be sick again and not be able to work or life. Then I started thinking what will people think of me. Then I started thinking well what do people think of bipolar. So now I believe they think I'm purely crazy that's tempomental and you need to walk around egg shells on other wise they will set me off and I'll go into the loony bin. I'm just the nut in the family they discus to others when they discus the crazy person in the family to friends.

And I feel at work they know I'm sick and just think of me as weird. The strange one. I can't communicate or get in the flow with people there.

Literally thinking about quitting my job going on the dole and just become my illness. What's the point of trying to fight it I'm just crazy.

[greenpea]

@Former-Member CatMeowCatMeow you dragged me back ... just as I was headed out the door into the wild your post dragged me back to reality... particuarly the part about becoming your illness. Being the weird one at work the one which gets talked about in the family (or in my case the one who doesnt get talked about ) I swear if I was around a 200 years ago I would be the mad family member locked in the attic!

Now it is fine I think to have a Pity Party as long as it doesn't get boring ... when it gets boring I just switch off. Like my dad said to me just the other day why do people with MI talk about their illness all the time and I said because no one listens!

Yes I agree about the manic bit ... I have it just beneath the surface I can feel it and I am going to talk to my psychiatrist about that on Monday because I dont know is that normal with all the meds I am on ... .

There goes my trip to to the outback.

[flipper]

Hi @Former-Member,

I think sometimes it's okay to have self-pity days and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Yes there are kids starving, but everything we each experience is relative and so do not undermine your experiences. 

I hope you continue to fight it, because bipolar doesn't define who you are. Please continue to seek out support when you're feeling like this.

Take care,

Flipper

[Former-Member]

Just feeling really defeated. Feel like I've lost a part of my identity today.

[greenpea]

@Former-Member I know that feeling ... I am not the same as I was before I became sick ... but you know what in many ways I like the new me ... it is not totally negative ... it is a bolshier me. Not such a bad thing really ... anyway what happened today exactly?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member
I have had a low week too. things have been hard. i keep hoping for a better day, i hope you get one too

[utopia]

@Former-Member - pity parties serve a purpose and they can be good for us - so long as they don't drag on.
We need a chance to vent or rage against what isn't going well in our lives. To spend the day in bed. To not get out of our pajamas. The trick is to have a pity party & the next day, move on.
Were their parts of your life that you don't like & can do something about? That's helpful. Learn what is useful for you.

[Former-Member]

@flipper how dose it not define me? I have to constantly have doctors appointments, medicated. I have to make sure my life is scheduled otherwise I get ill. Everyone non stop asks how I am. It's like my whole life is centred by this illness so I'm defined by it. Is there a way for it not to define who you are if it consumes your life? Do you know what I'm trying to say?

Hi @utopia unfortunately I won't let myself stop. As much as I wanted to live in bed I got up and was very productive even though I was in tears the whole day. Strange.
It's not that I don't like anything in my life that I need to change eg location, job, education, haircolour or that. It's I don't like Bipolar like all of us don't and yesterday i came to the conclusion you know in every family there's always the crazy one well I'm the crazy one they all laugh at and tell stories about. So I don't know how to feel human and how to learn to feel human. I feel like a freak at the moment and the fact I feel an episode is on it's way and my medication is trying to fight it it's actually doing more damage. Dose this make sense?

[Former-Member]

@greenpea I'm glad your going to see your doctor on Mondays. Hopefully they can come up with a healthy strategy to help with the manic. I don't know just feeling like why why why why why why. But I know I can't be like that for ever. I can't stand people who winde for long amounts of time and do nothing about their situation so I have to change otherwise another reason to hate myself.

Nothing happened really to trigger me off it's just been slowly building and boom.

@Former-Member I hope a day of sunshine comes for us both.

[greenpea]

@Former-Member I don't think you are whining ... having bipolar is the pits. I really hope you get some relief from it.