Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[PeppiPatty]

It's quite a silly selfish hiccup so hope you don't mind reading my latest stuff up ......

What's important to me now...

Is that I take care of myself right now.

About 10 years ago,
when my son was ill, I chose to sell my home, move in next door to my step father's home to get support and put all of us ( two children and me) in therapy. then my son got better and moved on and now, after many years of stress, I live in a nice area in a nice unit rental with a wonderful partner and me dog. I've at last got more space to care for my well being. Take care of myself and my own times of mental ill health.

I can see that the years of therapy has set my children to 'help' them be responsible for themselves as I spent times not being a good mum.
this is the stuff up.

Last week, my brother died in a car accident. It was a shock and I'm processing it.

he lived in America, he was son of my father , I didn't know him well but used to send him cards in the mail. As I've only re contacted my father in the last five years, , I didn't meet his side of the family.
Sad surprise : my Father passed away 6 months ago.

a cousin I have just met..... contacted me about what happened with my half brother and as we were emailing to each other, I started inappropriately writing about a separate issues... about my Fathers will....that I had issues with it, that I just want to see myself taken care of.

I cannot believe I was so callous to want to discuss something else...especially money. how crass. ,. But I chose to not focus on the terrible circumstances of my half brother's end. Or my Father.
I feel so terrible and selfish. why do I get myself into these positions?

now he's not answering me. I've made myself be something that I'm not. I feel like I've turned a terrible situation into something selfish about me.

It makes me feel like I am making myself to be something what I'm not.

[coffeegirl]

Hi justanother47yr,

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother and your father. It sounds tragic and the way your found out I'm sure hasn't helped. 6 months is a long time!! I would be in shock too.

It sounds like you have been a teriffic mother, I hope you don't believe otherwise. We all stuff up at some point. Grief/shock does weird things to us psychologically and phyisologically - and make us react in ways we wouldn't usually.

Don't be too hard  on yourself.

Could you possibly send your cousin an email saying nearly exactly what you have here? Apologising and saying that you feel terrible for bringing up those topics. I think the most effective apologies are the ones where people don't use excuses and take responsibility for their actions.

Even if your cousin doesn't respond, at least you have done all you can to straighten out the situation and told them how you feel. Hopefully that will bring some peace for you & also help you focus on dealing with your grief.

I think I read somewhere that you have a great supportive partner. I hope he's there for you during this tough time. We're all here for you too 🙂 🙂

Take Care

[PeppiPatty]

Coffee girl,,
thank you so much. I will do that.
It's the shock of it all and keeping it all on an even keel. My partner is good stuff.
Ille work out a letter to him and send it to tomorrow what you write

[Alessandra1992]

The other point you might want consider is cultivating an attitude of " we freely forgive those who have wronged or failed us, including our own selves" . this is quite hard as many of us have been through abuse of all kinds, from emotional to sexual and forgiveness would seem stupid to consider..it is more about the other side of it, which is letting go of blaming ourselves, or punishing ourselves for being vulnerable.

I think it us fair enough that you were looking at your needs at this time. You have reflected and thought about it. Good. You want to apologise..fantastic. Just be mindful that the person you are apologising too may not accept it..and that is OK too..that is where the self forgiveness comes in...

I don't think you are alone in being concerned about the financial implications, and it is wise to protect your interests. It might just not have been the best timing...be gentle, you r allowed to make mistakes too!

[PeppiPatty]

Hi alessandra1992, coffee girl,
I've written to my cousin like u wrote....I wrote Im sorry for my atrocious writing when emailing to you. please forgive me. It's been too overwhelming for me
he wrote back .....starting with my brothers name ........has been a shock for all of us.

my relationship with my Mum has taken a positive turn for the better and she has been very supportive throughout this time for me.
your advice has been that I have thought about it and acted on it but it hasn't overwhelmed me but instead I've let it go with feeling good about myself. does this make sense??? :0) .
what was so nice was that you addressed something that has long term repercussions for me and you wrote in a very kind way, addressing both problems: that how I made the mistake and how he would understand how I came back with an apology.

'We freely forgive those.................letting go of blaming ourselves.....'
To it is wise to protect our interests.........be gentle.
I'm holding onto this message
:0)
thanks.

[Alessandra1992]

Hey JustAnother47..what wonderful news that your relationship is improving with your mum too! Onya! That's what in Grow is known as Change of Relationships and its one of the the best indicators that we are working on being gentle builders are a free and whole community.. I hope you know that "you totally rock " which is one of my favourite quotes from Finding Memo, from the turtle dude..

Keep up your great change of ways, I always look forward to reading your posts...virtual hug to you... From Sandy 🙂

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Allessandra1992,
we have a mutual admiration gang here because I look forward to reading yours too. and a few other people. Could list em but would have to put on my feral memory cap.... :0)

I have not been to a grow meeting but have heard of wonderful stuff about.
I went to a talk they he'd here in my state though.I may go one day....
I feel so weird about this thng I did that my cousin hasn't replied to my latest message but my brother is pretty important.

[PeppiPatty]

Hi coffee girl, how are you ?
I still read your message and others.
On being not such a good Mum, I've had years of therapy and I'm good with things I've done wrong. I really truly believe that it doesn't matter what age the children are when you start becoming a good Mum. I started becoming a good Mum to my oldest son late.

[Alessandra1992]

I love the way you write! It is reassuring to know we can always try and improve our parenting to our kids. The future is not fixed..we can change it!

[PeppiPatty]

okay.... im showing off here but when my youngest son got better, I got a tattoo on the back of my neck......

Now, its all youv'e got

Dont worry, thinking Im so 'over it,' being a bad Mum. I get sensetive and get overwhelmed easy.

Actually, following the message I wrote. i went to see the doctor, who's booked me in for a psych report and see a therapist to keep my boundries strong. 

You can forgive yourself and all of that but its just ....you get sensetive. I personally get very overwhelmed and nned to go slow because I still let too much in my life.