Lived Experience Forum

[LRA]

Hi there, my first post so a bit nervous.

ive long struggled with depression and anxiety, but lately, despite "doing well" I've just become more and more disassociated.

Ive been trying to hide it but I feel cracks beginning to appear, I'm in over my head and am trying to sort it out....but I'm terrified to let anyone know what's really happening for me. That I'll hurt them deeply. 
how I feel and the bad choices I've made....

[Snowie]

Hi @LRA and welcome to the SANE forums.

I hope you find it as supportive as I do.

If you want to tag anyone just put a @ before their name.

[bleepbloophello]

Hi @LRA, welcome, good to have you here and glad you are reaching out.
I am wondering if anything triggered you feeling more dissociated? It's not a fun feeling at all, I've got my own experience with it. Let me know if you would like any tips on dealing with it/getting rid of it. But it sounds like what you're really asking is how to tell those around you what's going on. Is there someone you are closest to/trust the most? Just telling one person could really be helpful to start with. You are afraid of hurting people by telling them what's going on but by holding it in you are hurting yourself much, much more. I hope you can find a way to open up to someone because you don't deserve to feel this awful.

[LRA]

@Snowie thanks 

[LRA]

Thanks @bleepbloophello @I appreciate you connecting.

some tips would be great. I do see a therapist regularly, so really burrying it all and disassociating so hardcore has been exhausting. 

I really want to talk to my wife but she easily gets overwhelmed and distant about some of my MH stuff, I don't want to scare her. 
Plus in this covid lockdown (Melbourne metro), it just seems so impossible.

Ive been thinking today about who I can talk to tomorrow, really let in and start this process with. I feel like it's killing me- keeping it in and the facade that everything is okay

[Maggie]

@LRA  Another welcome from me. I dissociate too. I don’t know how much you understand about what’s happening, but it’s the brains way of protecting us. I will tag you into some info that might be helpful, but no pressure to read it.

Im glad you have found us here.

[LRA]

Thanks to you too @Maggie for the welcome. 
I guess I know a little, that's it's protective, which ironically now is just so hurtful and harmful....some information would be great thanks, can't hurt. 
😞

[Maggie]

@LRA  I’ve just tagged you to the info, take care.

[bleepbloophello]

@LRA you know best about who would be a good support for this kind of thing, I hope there's someone who you think would be good to talk to about it. It's good you have a therapist, though I get that it's helpful to have someone outside of that (and who you don't have to pay!) for support. Also it sounds a bit trite but have you tried journaling? I've found it a great outlet and way to sort through what's going on. Anyhow, in terms of dissociating, I used to stress about it so much (not sure if you're the same) but it wasn't until I stopped myself from seeing it as a problem that it started to go away. I kind of see it as one of those finger traps - if you struggle against it you'll stay stuck. So for me, even when I felt like I was super dissociated I would pretend things were normal (not feeding it attention) and over time it becamse much less intense. Dissociation is a symptom not a problem in itself, so I think it's important to treat what might be causing it rather than getting caught up in the symptom. Don't know if that's in any way helpful but there you go.

[LRA]

@bleepbloophello @Thank you. I completely understand what you mean about the trap...I can relate to that. 
I do occasionally journal, but I'm feeling so tired and stressed at the moment, I can't really concentrate. I did jot a few points down earlier today and that helped. 
move hit my capacity for the day there tho I think. 

I'm working towards the cause of things, but just feeling so distressed and overwhelmed by it all... it's almost too much..... maybe it is?