I can’t cope

[Snowie]

Thanks hon.

Regardless of what was said @Captain24 that is only one person's opinion. Please remember there are a lot of us that would miss you. Whether good or bad, I enjoy catching up with you most days.

@tyme @Jynx my psych says she has a duty of care to tell my pdoc and hubby what I'm doing/thinking, especially my pdoc. I told her I would tell them but haven't yet. She's only given me a few days and then she will ring them. I know it's headed down a path that would lead to an intervention. My inability to control my actions is a big issue lately.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 ach I feel you, my partner is very philosophically minded and sometimes I legit just can't keep up! I think the brain fog is a big factor, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Perhaps you could let the facilitator know, if you have a moment to have a lil private word? Then if it does start to take over future sessions they can reign it in, to ensure you have the chance to participate more fully. 

Anything you could reflect on tonight to remind yourself of your worth? I can start: I always find a lil smile whenever we get stuck into a good chat, and I really value that! You bring joy into my day, which to me is worth a whole heck of a lot!! 💜

[Jynx]

@Snowie ach, that's a rough situation to be in hun. I know how sucky it is to have choice taken from you. Do you think you will tell them, or leave it to the psych? 

Proud of you for keeping your head afloat, as much as I wish you didn't have to spend all your energy doing so. Big love to you hun 💜

[Snowie]

@Jynx even if I say something, I wouldn't tell them everything, so I think my psych will end up talking to them. If she does, I'll lose the only control I have left. Nothing feels afloat. I'm sinking most days. My sh is high and my si isn't too far behind.

[Captain24]

I know @Snowie its just one and I need to move past it. 

I enjoy seeing you too. The little hearts brings a smile to my face. 

Do you  think you need an admission? Is it it safer for you?

[Snowie]

I'm glad the heart makes you smile @Captain24 There are lots more coming for you!! 💕💗

Even if it is only one, I still realise how much it can hurt. Words can certainly be very powerful.

I don't want an admission but somehow I don't think I will have much of a choice. Once my pdoc finds out what I'm doing/thinking he will suggest/insist.

[Captain24]

It’s ok @Jynx. I only have group tomorrow and the course is finished. If I stay extra then maybe I might have to go to the other ones but these 2 won’t be there. 

Thanks for  those kind words. It warms my empty heart a little! 

I had to leave the group chat because there was an incident it the med line. 2 people were arguing over $14. One lady bought some slippers for a girl and expected her to pay and she still owes $14 of the $50. It got quite heated.

A highly anxious lady was in between them. I told her to go before me but she refused. I went outside for a smoke and apparently it got worse. This lady was crying when she came out. I asked if she wanted to be alone or wanted to chat. She wanted me. I gave her a big hug and she just sobbed on my shoulder. I let her talk and she calmed down. 

Plus I gave her a packet of pads as she got her period early and wasn’t prepared. She gave me a hug in the corridor. 

Does that count? It’s nothing special but it’s all I got

[Captain24]

Words can really hurt especially when it’s part of cPTSD @Snowie but it doesn’t matter. 

We they let you decide to go in voluntarily when it comes to that? 

Im concerned that my new psychologist will ‘encourage’ admissions scone she works out of here

[Snowie]

It depends on how much my pdoc knows @Captain24 He has let me go in voluntarily before. He might just very strongly suggest it.

Hopefully as your new psych gets to know you, they will know when you really need an admission and when you just need some extra support.

[Jynx]

@Snowie I still say you're keeping yourself afloat - cos you're still here hun. You're fighting an internal battle and so far, you've survived 100% of the days it's had you in its grasp. Saw a quote just recently actually: If you have depression and you're still alive, then you're not struggling with depression - depression is struggling with you. I know an admission is never ideal but I hope however these next weeks unfold, it is what you need to help you get past this patch of crap.

@Captain24 all good, chatwee kicked us all off anyway! So annoyed. The last question was a goodun! We continued the chat here tho if you wanna join.

And hun... You ask if it counts? It counts sooooo much! It's exactly what I'm talking about whenever I am trying to convey to you how wonderful a person you are. "Nothing special"? Offering your shoulder was, in that moment, the most special thing in the world to that person. Think about times you've been super distressed and someone has come to your aid. How meaningful it is and how much of a difference it makes for us trying to regulate and process. You probably made that person's day hun. And maybe you were the difference between them feeling crappy and having a cry for half an hour, vs. them feeling crappy all night and super lonely to boot. 'Nothing special' my buttocks! That really warmed my heart to read darlin, thanks for sharing 💜