I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’m guessing you are logging off so I’ll chat to you tomorrow. @Jynx 

[Jynx]

Yepper @Captain24 but feel free to reply if you like, and I'll see it when I log in tomorrow. Up to you! 

Have a chill night hun, hope you got some nice rain patter to drift off to tonight 😊💜

[Captain24]

It wasn't easy to tell my psych. @Jynx Part of me is ashamed. I think that’s to do with the expectation of married with kids. She was very understanding and asked questions but not prying questions. Just general. 

One part I can just isn’t too bad the other part is what causes the shame. It’s the part that goes against my religious beliefs. 

I did google the queer catholic community. Yes I’m in NSW. But it did take me down different paths. The pope is open there is just 2 sacraments that I can’t partake in.

That’s ok though as I have no intention of becoming a nun and no intention of getting married. If getting married does ever happen I can just get my uncle to perform it. I did always think if I did it would be in the church here. If I’m not welcome then that’s ok. I can understand and I’m excepting of that. 

It has helped me come to terms with my faith. I am still ashamed that I have gone against it but I know it’s acceptable to a point. 

As for the queer community some don’t accept my orientation. So it’s like I’m kinda in limbo. I don’t fit anywhere. 

[Captain24]

I’m sitting here waiting for my tyres to be put on. At least my car will be safe to travel as it has been snowing all around. It’s absolutely freezing here today. To the point that’s it’s after 11 and has a feels like of -1.5 degrees. 

So far this morning I have changed my sheets and doona cover. I have had a shower and washed my hair, I have bathed 2 dogs and I’ve cleaned out the floor of my pantry! 

I have given myself a list but it’s impossible to complete. My main goal is the pantry as it will help clean some space in one of the other rooms. 

I do also need to clean out the ironing room as I really need to iron. I have to iron work clothes! 

I know I’m rambling again. But there is just so much noise in my head. It’s telling me that I’m not good enough. That I’m a rude person. That I’m a horrible person. That I don’t deserve to live. That I am shameful. That I’m useless. 

[Captain24]

I want to physically hurt. I need to physically hurt. I want to give up. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Captain24 

It sounds as though you've been making some big strides in understanding yourself better and looking into how this can coexist with your faith. I hope that you're able to find a space where you can feel you fit just as you are 💗

You've had a very productive morning! Please ramble away here as much as you need.

I'm sorry that your thoughts are being so unkind today, and I hope that you're able to not listen to them

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 are you feeling like you can't keep safe right now? 

[Captain24]

Im listening to them @Ru-bee. I can’t help it. They are true. It is who i am. I’m not nice. I’ve been told enough. Especially on here. 

I need to hurt. I badly need pain. I want to cause pain. 

Is it the weather. Is it because it’s so cold and miserable. Is it cause the wind is coming off snow. 

Im falling apart. I’m falling at a rapid rate. 

I wish they would hurry up with my tyres. I want to go home. I don’t want to be. 

[Captain24]

I am safe for now @Ru-bee.

also no notifications are coming through. It’s not hit and miss this time. It’s just nothing. 

[Ru-bee]

Thank you for letting me know @Captain24 

Thank you for noting this notifications issue, I know how frustrating that can be. We're looking into it now and will hopefully get it resolved soon