Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[James_1999]

Hi,
So I went to Europe recently on holiday without my girlfriend. I love her so much and we have a great relationship. I was in Scotland with my sister and we went out clubbing. I started chatting to this guy who was also in the club and he soon asked if I wanted to take some drugs with him. I was very drunk at this point but I followed him into the bathroom and we took some drugs together. I have never taken drugs in my life and i thought why not I’m on holiday, not thinking about how stupid it was. I definitely felt different after having taken it the next day. I think recently I have been questioning if I am bisexual and not just straight but I downloaded Grindr just out of curiosity. Some guys started messaging me straight away and sending me all sorts of photos as you can imagine. I was just curious so I just started chatting nothing flirty or sending images, but I asked what gay sex was like and they explained to me.  I felt disgusting doing this, knowing that I am in a relationship but I think it was a mixture of curiosity and the drugs affecting my full consciousness. Some guys asked whereabouts I was staying to meet up but I denied that. I think I have cheated but would like just some opinions and help please. I am trying to just forget about it and haven’t told my girlfriend. Would much appreciate some help with this, as I know downloading the app is giving the intention I was interested, but I was only curious and I think the drugs might have given me some Dutch courage. I feel so guilty though and I can’t even tell anyone without feeling more ashamed and judged. 
Some advice would be great on how to move forward 

[8ppleTree]

Welcome @James_1999, and thanks for reaching out! 

Firstly, it's ok to be whoever you are. How we define ourselves can change over time. Shame is not really that helpful. Have compassion for yourself now 🙂

So, have you cheated? 

What are the rules of your agreement with your GF? Can they be negotiated?

Could you see yourself long term with your GF? If so, is this someone you can be yourself and open with? It's understandable that you may not have even expressed curiosities to yourself, let alone know how to express them to others yet. If you were to follow your curiosities, could you do so in a way that is safe, or doesn't impact your relationship? 

Deciding on a course of action that respects everyone and causes the least amount of harm will take some thought. Only you can really decide. What do you think would be the kindest thing for you and for your partner?

[Jasper_123]

Hi @James_1999 , to me this would constitute as cheating but it depends on the agreement between yourself and your girlfriend. 

It's okay to question your sexuality and it's okay to be bisexual, this doesn't mean you're a cheat or going to do so. The question is: are you going to tell your girlfriend what happened? Do you want to ask about an open relationship to explore yourself? (But this means being okay with her sleeping with other people to and will be a lot of work on both your parts to do so healthily) 

You need to take accountability for your actions and while it might be hard I think you should tell your girlfriend the truth. 

[Tilz]

@James_1999  Hi im sure you have not cheated at all. Its some feeling you have got. Please try to explain this to your girlfriend. Say her everything how this thing began. If you didnot say it will be something like you hide from her. If she get to know and finally you will be get the feeling as cheated. Explain her slowly. Let her know how you value her and love her

[Tranquil_Atoms]

Hi @James_1999, 

Firstly I don't feel you have cheated on your girlfriend given these details, but my opinion shouldn't matter as this is how you feel about it. Honesty is important in any relationship, I feel you should take the time to talk with her and explain how you have been feeling. She may be able to help you through this moment. 

[James_1999]

Thank you for this and for everyone’s advice it has been much appreciated. It has helped me resolve my guilt somewhat. However I don’t feel I can tell her as I believe she would look at me so differently and the fact I downloaded Grindr would make her question why I am with her, if I’m questioning my sexuality. I worry she’d end our relationship based on this information. I love her so much and see a future with her so I think I will just try and move on from this one. Is this the right call to make? 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @James_1999 

I can hear that you're still a bit uncertain about this. It must be an awful position to be in. Obviously, no-one makes clear decisions while drunk. However, can others tell you truly what's the right call? I doubt it. Things can easily look black and white but under the surface there may be many unanswered questions.

The main premise, I think, is "does it harm you, or others?"

"If something is untrue, can it stand the test of time?"

I hear that you have weighed up the most negative outcomes, ie that she will judge you and see it as a rejection. 

I wonder whether you might discuss it with her, in a healthy open way and discover who you both are, after the initial surprise? I do understand that there may be further social implications if she doesn't keep your confidence and you aren't really sure whether you want to identify as straight/gay/bi. However sexuality can be quite fluid over time for many people. Your environment may be supportive, or not. So all of these are factors for you to consider.

It's not an easy position to be in. Do you blaze ahead and claim who you are, uncertain and ok with that, or do you hold back and consider other's feelings and judgments? You are a unique person with a unique set of circumstances. Trust yourself, firstly. Why were you looking? What are you afraid of? What's the best/worst that could happen? What does freedom look like? Are you taking someone else's freedom by not giving them a choice? Are you protecting them from hurt? Are you certain of how they're going to react? Have you discussed gender/sexuality and relationship values or are you projecting societal norms onto your own situation? 

Hopefully, she can see you are a good person, regardless of any orientations. People are people and caring about someone and accepting who they are is important. Feeling free and comfortable to be yourself is also important, as long as you're respecting the boundaries that you've both agreed to. Hopefully something you both feel each other deserves.