Lived Experience Forum

[Escaped_Goat]

I had surgery and the anaesthetic meds messed with me for a while afterwards causing me to have all sorts of weird thoughts and reactions to other people.  I was on quarantine so the extreme isolation messed with me as well and mental health issues I had thought under control reared their ugly head too.  While all messed up like this I broke things off with the one person who cares about me more than anything and hurt him deeply setting off his depression.  Three days later I realised what I had done and proceeded to contact him to apologise and explain what I had been going through but he has gone silent from the internet and I have no other way to contact him. This is usual for him when he is depressed but if he is not expecting to hear from me he might not check the sources of contact we had even when he comes back from looking after himself. I'm spiraling down since this all happened and can't forgive myself for hurting him so badly.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions of my life just barely. I don't deserve to be happy and I don't want to be happy.  I want to fix what I broke.  I feel like the worst person in the world.  I hate myself for what I did.  I don't feel like a mature adult and I'm not coping with my feelings very well at all. It's been a couple of weeks now and every day I feel worse about what I did.

[TAB]

Some things can't be fixed or not in way we think is 'fixed' @Escaped_Goat

[NatureLover]

Welcome @Escaped_Goat  - I really like your username! I am sorry you are going through this. Please be kind to yourself. Hopefully your friend will be OK and will come around to contacting you again. Wishing you some hope and strength, and that you can take care of yourself in the meantime. 

[Escaped_Goat]

Thank you for those kind words.

[Jo-anneJoy]

Hello there @Escaped_Goat 

You don't mention the nature of the surgery you had, if you're missing pieces of your body and the physical pain and limitations of recovery (that might have included assistance with toiletting), any sort of surgical procedure is a violation of your physical being.

Takes longer than you think for the body to recover.  Anaesthesia removes the pain, but there is still a tissue trauma being registered; body wakes up and goes "wtf happened!! where are my tonsils, appendix, that funny looking mole on my back......(insert body part)...I've been robbed!!  Fark....*sniff*.....where's everyone gone.."

Right now, the focus needs to be on you and the recovery of your whole being.  You've had a rough time, hospital food, the occasional cranky-pants nurse who you don't want to bother by pressing the buzzer, and you wouldn't have been in a room all on your own. That is massive sensory overload.

I can see that you think the world of this person, but they are giving you the silent treatment and that is emotional abuse any way you want to cut it.

[Escaped_Goat]

You forget the part where I hurt him... he was devastated and as he suffers from depression also has gone silent to care for himself.  He is not giving me the silent treatment to hurt or punish me but to care for himself.  I unintentionally hurt him very badly because of the medications and craziness I was going through at the time but my words caused him to become depressed and he isolates to take care of himself.  This was never a post about him treating me badly. This was about me making a horrible mistake and how I am unable to forgive myself and not coping with the feelings because of this.  I thought this was a safe place but if assumptions are going to be made on people's posts it isn't very safe at all.  If he knew I was hurting this way he would never stay silent.  

[Jo-anneJoy]

Take care of yourself.  

[NatureLover]

@Escaped_Goat , how are you doing today? I hope you are OK.

[Escaped_Goat]

Thank you for asking.  I'm much the same.  Disappointingly my first thought on waking this morning was that I hate myself.  However I got up and got dressed so that's something.  

Hope things are well with you. 

[NatureLover]

Thanks for replying, @Escaped_Goat . Getting up and getting dressed is a victory when you are feeling like that, I reckon.

I am intrigued by your username, as I like goats. How did you come to choose it? No need to answer if it's private or you'd rather not!