Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bel5]

Hi, I don’t even know if my husband of 30 years has bipolar but am obviously searching for some sanity to try and make sense of why he breaks into rages over very trivial things. We have 3 children 26, 23 and 17 who also cop the brunt of his rages and at the time we all feel like we are in a haze of confusion as to what the hell just happened. We all tend to walk on egg shells and the kids now avoid spending time with him. He has lots of really good qualities but they all get wiped out with a 15 minute rage. He is physically very in your face without actually hitting anyone but will in excessive outbursts shove or stand over you intimidating. I feel like I'm not protecting my kids and feel so much disgust towards my husband. He always blames us for his outburst and in some way makes it that we got him to that point due to a build up of our disrespectful behaviour etc I have zero belief in mental health problems and feel that it is just poor behaviour and absolute selfishness

[Bee36]

How you have described your husband, is seriously exactly what I would and could and do say about my own. I thought he may have had bipolar too but it turns out it is actually borderline personality disorder, something I knew nothing about ...could you get your husband to a gp or psychiatrist? Has he always been like this? Mine had...I'm sorry you are going through this its not nice, I know from my own experiences it is so awful!!! And that mother guilt sure doesn't help us! I'm sure you are doing the best that you can! My husband is on a fair bit of medication now certainly didn't solve our problems but at least they have helped his low moods a bit.. Mine needs talking therapy, getting him to do it is another thing...look after yourself and take good care...here to vent if u need @Bel5

[Bel5]

@Bee36 thanks for that reply, yes he has been Like this our whole lives we have been together since we were 19 & 22. Initially it happened very rarely and I felt that I could fix it by just not doing the thing that annoyed him again. I remember years ago he came home and the screen door was locked and he flew into a rage swearing and kicked the door then abused me so I always unlocked the screen from then on before he got home, which sounds so pathetic when you say it. I am a strong successful business woman who would not allow anyone in my business to act or accept any poor behaviour but here I am. The cycle is so toxic as he had so many amazing qualities and it seemed like a crazy outburst a few times a year was not that big a deal however now it is every few months for a major outburst and really every few weeks for smaller rages. It makes me feel better than other people have been through the same but I  also feel that the end outcome even with help and medication is not ideal for us the family. 

[Bee36]

That's ok @Bel5 I feel the same as in it helps to know that there are other people going through similar things..It definately helped me coming on this site and seeing that other people are dealing with this stuff...i do relate so much to what you are saying... u said u have been married 30 years thats a very long time to have had to deal with this behavior, I've been dealing with it a little over a decade and i know my own mental health really took a pounding over the years more so recently when things just started escalating more and more frequently. how is your mental health going? ..Its still very early days on my journey post husbands diagnosis and medication, definately no quick fixes... but at least I can now name it, have some valuable information, a little support and its a start...perhaps you could at least line up some support for yourself in the meantime?

[Weary33]

@Bel5 @Bee36 

I feel like I can relate to both your experiences.

My wife and I have been together for over 30years. We got married young too. Me just shy of 21, my wife 19.  My kids are adults, my son is just about to move overseas.

We have always had turmoil in our relationship.  Cycles of blow ups, resentment, making up and so on.  I have done some raging myself.  Ive yelled, swore, bellowed and broke things.  We've  hit each other (to my eternal shame).  Ive despaired and cried and felt like I didnt want to continue living.  I guess the thought of hurting my children was my main dererrent at those times. 

I had always hoped that we could improve how we dealt with each other kept me afloat.  

I have had some great counsellors at different times.  We did couples counselling for a long time.

Im not one to give up.  I want to be pro active.  I think thats why we're  all on this forum.

From the perspective of just taking care of myself I know I should probably split up with my wife.  But Its not that easy is it? 

My Mum stayed with Dad his whole life despite his Schitzo affective disorder.  It cost her a lot I think... My wifes parents are a chaos personified but still together....

[Bel5]

@Weary33 thanks for sharing I guess it comes down to how much we can tolerate and when its too far. It always gets swept under the rug as I'm too upset to even face it or admit I'm in this disgusting cycle. Mentally I have to be ready to do what I know is right which is leave him. At the moment he is not here and I have asked him to not return until he gets help, which is the biggest step i have ever taken. This is probably the only way he will get help. Just not sure if the damage can be undone regardless. 

[Bee36]

Yes splitting up almost feels like an impossible option, @Weary33, I feel that.. .unfortunately that leads us to feeling trapped at times... I know it does me...i think what u said about being proactive is right, I think as long as we keep on trying our best to better ourselves as people and look for strategies to try and better ourselves and partners lives then we are on the right track, however if the other person isn't on board for change or open to treatment etc, we don't have to keep allowing abuse in our lives....im really trying to implement that... I can relate to doing things I am also not proud of @Weary33, the main thing is we learn from those experiences and continue to try and do better and move forward, I hope that you are looking after yourself and finding moments to be doing things that you enjoy throughout your day... bless all of our children who have obviously been the light even in the darkest of times...

[Bee36]

Well done @Bel5 its a huge step and it seems like a very nessacary one....just take it day by day thats all you can do...

[Weary33]

I guess that is the big question Ive been asking myself @Bel5.  How much are we prepared to tolerate?

One of my counsellors said that very thing to me more than a year ago... Its been rattling around in my head ever since!

It took me years to recognise those cycles... I knew they were there but could never define what was going on.  I read "Facing Co-dependence" by Pia Melody a while ago.  A few things in there really hit the nail on the head for me.  Thats when I went to see my councilor again.  She had been our couples therapist...

Good on you for taking that step. I think you instinctively know you should protect yourself.  I feel that damage is inevitable one way or another.  I believe our partners kind of seek chaos.  I think they feel they need it... Maybe... something like that.

Splitting up certainly feels impossible @Bee36.  And I do feel like there are no good options really.  I guess I still hope for some kind of small miracle...

On the weekend, my daughter suggested to my wife that therapy might be helpful.  Later on, I got accused of collusion - which I denied... (Sort of true/sort of not).   

I dont want to give up trying as such.  But my wife has an abusive nature and has trouble empathising with her family.  My son did 2 years in the Police (finished his training then resigned) and related to me that, in light of his experiences he felt his Mum had emotionally abused him.  It was confronting to hear those terms out loud... He is distancing himself which is saddening to me but a relief in some ways as well.

I wonder if there is a way for me to get a buffer zone without throwing everything away?  I suspect not... I think Ive been trying to mentally prepare as well...

[Bee36]

I think whatever happens @Weary33 for a bufferzone maybe you just need to try and build as strong as a support system around yourself as you possibly can...and really take care of yourself and do things everyday that bring you peace even if its just for a few moments as often as u can....and boundaries i have been trying really hard to work on these, they were quite scary to me at first as i was always worrying about the repercussions but im feeling more confident about those lately, i know i dont have to engage with the toxic behaviour, as i will just leave the room or house one way or another, it feels alot easier to implement them i think because i know im not going to leave permanently just temporarily at this point in time anyway, history shows me he will calm down eventually..so its basically if you abuse me i will not be reactive....if you continue to abuse me then I will leave the house and go somewhere safe with our children until you are calm and I am ready to return....I dont obviously know the ins and outs of your personal situation but they are the things that I am working on to remain in the relationship whilst trying not to allow the abusive behaviours...not sure if they can help you or not also? I am feeling much better about myself these past couple of weeks then I have in a verryyy long time....im trying to be more present and notice how I feel often so that I am more aware of my energy and what I'm putting out there. ..im focusing more of my attention on my energy not his moods... His energy does not belong to me...And although he flips his lid almost daily at any stress or frustration still, i have managed to avoid any major episodes these past 5 weeks.