Lived Experience Forum

[Astrid2]

Hi. I really need some advice or help. Or kind words. I’ve been battling with mental health problems for over ten years. And today I woke up and realised I have absolutely zero confidence or hope that things will ever change. In the past I’ve been super positive and made lists, set goals, done things to feel good but I always always come crashing down.

The main issue for me is drinking, I use it to escape the negative thoughts in my head, and as a way to cope with anxiety and stress. I’ve tried to quit for the past 2 years but I fail every single time. I am weak and stupid because I know if I don’t drink it would help me a lot but I still do it

This morning my boyfriend told me he would finish with me if I drank again after a particularly crappy night last night where I got wasted again.

My illness is getting worse and my negative thoughts and behaviour are escalating. I don’t ever see things getting better. I don’t see a future that is bright and it scares me. I will lose everything. I normally have the positivity to see myself through bad days but I just want to give up now.

I’m sick and tired of fighting this mental battle and sick of letting down my friends and family with my illness. I just don’t know where to go from here.

[Zoe7]

Hi @Astrid2 and welcome to the forum.

I cannot relate to what you are going through with drinking but do understand it is a way to mask the negative thoughts and pain and make things semmingly easier to cope with. 

I am going to tag someone in here ( @utopia - are you able to help out here?) that may be able to provide much better advice/support but please feel free to tag me in if you need any help finding your way around the forum or just need someone to listen.

Zoe 

[utopia]

@Astrid2
Hi. Yes I have Major Depression have have spent the past 12 months drinking - not drinking - drinking - trying not to drink.
Currently I'm drinking. I have to fight really hard with myself to not say all those negative things. Those things you tell yourself. That you're stupid and weak.
I'd say you are the opposite of that. I'd say you're bloody strong to keep fighting - to keep trying to give up. It's not easy. We have a MI & in our case - we use alcohol to self medicate. It's not the wisest thing to do - but it's a common thing.
I've joined AA. I go to meetings at least once a week. My psychologist knows about my drinking. He is an ex drug and alcohol counselor. My psychiatrist has just put me on a new medication (we are not allowed to say the name of the medication on this forum). But it is a medication that helps block other drugs. Andthey say it has a bit of chance in helping me give up aalcohol.
Yes, I drank today. But I haven't given up on giving up.
You haven't either.
Talk to your gp. Talk to an alcohol counselor. Talk to AA or another alcohol support group.
Alcohol messes with our moods, our depression. We know this. We're not dumb. We want to stop. But we are addicted. And it helps to numb the feelings that we don't want to deal with. It serves a purpose.
Do you have a counselor or psychologist? Any mental health support workers? Reach out to them. It's a start.
I'm here to talk to any time you like.

[Astrid2]

Thanks for your replies. @utopia, I see we are sharing many similar battles. I dont feel very strong but I don’t really see any other choice than Just to keep plodding on. I’m seeing my doctor today, am attending my first SMART recovery meeting this week and have my first psychiatrist appointment next week. I have lost all hope for my future so I’ll just go and do what I’m told and see what happens from there.

[utopia]

Sounds like you have some good help in place@astrid2. And you always can talk to us here on the forum