Lived Experience Forum

[Mtd0712]

Okay so everyone is extremely concerned about my (ex) fiancé. A little back story first. We have been together for 3 years, engaged for 6 months and have owned a house together for about a year and a half. We had our small wedding planned and paid for that was supposed to be earlier this month. And then about a month or so before the wedding my fiancé started acting very distant and strange.

From day one of knowing her all she’s ever wanted in life was marriage, a house to call her own, and especially kids. Her mother recently told me that after our third date she came home and said, mom this is the man I’m going to be with for life. This is how she’s always been, that is until a few weeks before the wedding date. She was extremely excited planning and getting everything ready for our little wedding (we planned to elope with just immediate family in our favorite vacation spot). The week before she started sending me weird text while I was working saying she wasn’t sure of her decision and wasn’t sure about the wedding. This made me panic beyond belief for obvious reasons but I kept my cool and tried to explain that it was just stress and anxiety and that we would be okay and get through it together.

She kept insisting that it was not the right decision and that she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to get married or have kids. I told her if it was to fast we could postpone the wedding and just stay engaged until she felt comfortable but again she insisted that she didn’t think she would ever want to be married or have kids. As I said earlier she has been obsessed with getting married and having kids since she was a child (her mother has told me before) and now wants nothing to do with any of it.

She called off the wedding 10 days before and we broke up. I agreed to go stay at my parents and let her be alone and think things through. That was 3 weeks ago and although we have seen each other and talked here and there for the most part she has been out drinking and partying with her friend. Any time someone reaches out to her weather my family or hers to insist she isn’t thinking straight she flips out and says she’s fine and is human and aloud to change her mind about things.

So here’s why all of us (me, her parents and siblings, as well as my family) think she is on a dark path. Both her grandmother and mother have been dealing with and living with bipolar disorder their entire life’s. Her mother most recently had a full manic state for almost 6 months until she came to terms and got the help she needed. I know the illness run in the family and she is showing almost all the symptoms of someone going through a break down. She has been drinking heavily more then usual, avoiding all conversations about anything being wrong, spending excess of money and has completely abandoned all the core beliefs she’s had her entire life (family,kids,etc.)

Since the break up I have been in contact with her mother who lives cross country from us and she is extremely concerned with her behavior and the only information she’s getting is through me because her daughter isn’t willing to talk. At this point I’m leaving her be and letting her go through what she needs to while I’m living at my parents and she lives in the house we own together. Everyone is worried that this behavior is her sickness and that she is going to end up doing something terrible or something that could affect her life dramatically.

I have been reading up in the illness and talking to her mother everyday who has been dealing and handling her own illness very well. At this point no one knows how to approach her or help her get the help she needs. Could anyone please help with input or advice before this gets more out of hand and turns even worse!?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mtd0712

So sorry to read about the cancellation of the wedding and the worry you are going through - it would be so hard.

Your partner has bi-polar in her family - but this does not neccesarily mean this is what is happening to her. There would need to be a professional diagnosis made there before anything else could be done and that would be up to your partner to pursue. She would be feeling pretty bad if the latter where the case as having it myself I know the depressions when coming down are very low. She would know something was wrong and it would be up to her to seek treatment as it's a serious disorder that can't be avoided for long.

 And even if it were the case this does not mean that is why she decided to call off the wedding. It could be a case of, (and is sounding more like it from what you posted), of "cold feet" and her wanting to "sow wild oats" before she settles down. Even though it was something she always wanted - she may not feel "ready to commit right now" for whatever reasons she decided in the last month or so.

I think the best thing here is to step back and let her work it out. Let her know that you are there for her but give her this space - and if she really wants this marriage and life with you she will work it out in time and will return. So sorry for your present hurt.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Mtd0712

Thank you for sharing that is all very concerning and a huge complex issue you are dealing with, it sounds like you have some contact with the family and trying to research ways of getting support to know how to manage all of this.

It does seem like if there is anyone she is open to talking things through with would be best to keep communication open with her, so they can check in on her in regards to her safety if she is behaving out of character.

It is a really hard situation and I would encourage you to get some extra support for all of this to figure out your limits and what you can all do as a family to help support her in the little interactions you have.

Mental Health Carers Australia (formerly ARAFMI National)
National Helpline 1300 554 660
www.mentalhealthcarersaustralia.org.au
Mental Health Carers Australia seeks to: explore and strengthen the mental health caring role, develop knowledge, improve skills and offer support to reduce isolation and enhance the caring journey, and advocate on behalf of carers.
The Mental Health Carers Australia member organisations services across Australia are: ◾Mental Health Carers Tasmania, Mind Australia, Arafmi Mental Health Carers and Friends Association (WA) Inc, Mental Illness Fellowship NT, Mental Health Carers Arafmi Qld, and Arafmi NSW

The best you can do is encourage her to look after herself and engage in help-seeking behaviour, by seeing a GP, Psychologist and/or Psychiatrist for some support at the moment, which it doesn't sound like she is open to right now and might take some time, if things do escalate and her safety is at risk there is the Crisis Assessment Team to get in contact with, as they can treat her involuntarily.

Please keep reaching out here too okay,

Lunar

[Mtd0712]

Thank you we’re working on trying to get her to see that this isn’t her acting or speaking this way. No one is really in contact with her all that much as she doesn’t want to talk to anyone other then her “friend” who she’s been drinking with almost everyday. We tried to contact her and she ran right back to my ex and told her and she was very angry and irate with us.

[Mtd0712]

-Enigma-
Thanks for the post back. I’m giving her all the time and space she needs to do what she wants and pleases right now. So far she has done nothing but go out with one friend in pitcular and all they do is go out and drink. She has cut off almost all contact with everyone other then this friend who just keeps assuring her that my fiancé is “okay”. She won’t talk to anyone else because she knows they will say that she needs to look at this and realize that’s it’s something inside that’s not right. I’m hoping that this is something that she realizes and it doesn’t get to a darker spot then it already has.

[Appleblossom]

  It seems as if you will have to confront the housing situation soon. I am not sure if I got it right that you bought a place together.  You cant just let it go on with her drinking and without making definite decisions.  It is very sad, but having mental health problems do not mean that people never take responsibility.  Wishing you the best.

[Mtd0712]

-AppleBlossom- we own the house together and are in the process of trying to figure that out now. She sent me a ton of text messages yesterday that were extremely hostile and rude and not necessary to take it to that point. I let her say what she wanted and said that we will sit down soon and get in writing what the deal with the house will be. She doesn’t want to sit or talk about any of it and thinks it’s going to be an easy process. She sent me a bunch of messages late last night that were still very hostile and viscous that I didn’t respond to and instead waited a few hours and sent her a long love filled text saying that I want the old her back and that she isn’t herself and that I’m still always there for her. Still haven’t heard from her today.

[Lemonjuice]

@Mtd0712 I don't know how to put this delicately...there's no possibility that perhaps she's discovered that she's not straight and her drinking buddy is actually her new partner? People do go for years wanting the whole fairytale hetero wedding, marriage and kids, only to find that they were overcompensating to repress their homosexuality/bisexuality. Maybe with the wedding coming up, she had to face the possibility and realised she didn't want the fairytale.

Whatever the reasons, I really feel bad for you and I think you need to contact a lawyer and not have contact with her. You need to put distance between the two of you because I get the feeling you're too kind hearted for your own good.

[Mtd0712]

-Lemonjuice-
I’m not going to lie it has crossed my mind before but I highly doubt that this is the situation. I’ve still had limited contact with her and have contacted a lawyer about figuring out the house. It’s hard seeing her with other men and living in the house as if her life hasn’t changed one bit while my life is completely flipped upside down.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mtd0712

How are you going now? I am glad you have contacted a lawyer about the legalities of the house you share. This definitely is not fair on you. I would say she has been influenced by "the friend" but it's a choice she made that she doesn't want questioned by family or to be interfered with, and you deserve better treatment.  So sorry for your hurt - it must be hard.