Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

thankyou for sharing more of your story. I find personal questions really hard and socialising also makes me very anxious, I found work to be a relief for me because i was able to deflect personal stuff and be able to talk to people about work and the complexities of situations that arose. Personal questions terrify me it's like im being put in the spot light and i have to give the right answer but i never feel like the truth is the right answer and i cant quite work out what the other person really wants to hear! so much confusion in this head of mine! So since i've left work my outloud conversations are only to my psychologist and mental health worker who visits, everything else is sms or a hello to people i dont know when i pick up my kids from school and kindy. The worst questions for me are, where are you from? where's your family from? But at the same time, i feel so completely alone in the world! and i know its myself stopping me from reaching out! 

I hope that being on the forums helps you in some way, even if its not the sharing of your story per se. 

LJ

[kristin]

Hi @Jacques

Thanks for being courageous and sharing more of your journey. I appreciate something of how hard that must be if you were pushed off beyond blue for similar. That's really horrid, sorry that happened to you.

I also struggle with a bit of agoraphobia. I manage it, and when I don't feel I can I have to make myself because I have kids and they need to go to school, etc. I guess I've never really seen that particular aspect of being a saving grace for me (though others definitely are) - when I am unwell I don't answer the phone unless I recognise the numnber, have trouble phoning out and can't open (or sometimes weven collect) the mail. I have to funtion enough for my kids to go to school otherwise I'd lose them, so it has helped me to continue functioning when the level of trauma would otherwise have shut me down (and possibly away) much more.

I'm sorry you've had such horrendous experiences with your neighbour. It sounds like my neighbour with one of the people on the other side of them (but they only do it when there's no one else around to witness and report it). I'm sure thye'd try it with me too, only they know I'd just pull out my phone and take a photo as evidence, instead they do sneaky stuff in the middle of the night (like flatten car tyres).

It's ok that you haven't had a formal diagnosis, often we know ourselves pretty well and can work things out - you seem to be pretty clear about what you struggle with. It's awful that the sessions with the psychiatrist and psychologist were so bad. I'm afraid there are good ones, great ones, ok ones and quite a few who just shouldn't be allowed to see people because they actually contribute to their patients' trauma.

Take care of you.

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[Jacques]

Hi Troubled_One,

I am sorry to hear about the accident, walking to me is a way of managing the anxiety, when i get anxious i just pace around the house, i go for a walk in the mornings just to get out of the house once a day.

i am glad you have found comfort here and it sounds like you have a good support team, i had a councillor for about 6 months but i put a stop to it because i felt i was wasting their time and their were others in a worse situation than me that wants help.

i don't know what i want, i am the same as you i have no purpose, no direction i never have.

i have always felt lost in a frightening world.

i keep going only for my mother, i have no one and nothing else to look forward to.

thankyou for giving helping me see i am not the only one.

take care

Jacques

[Jacques]

Hi Sandy,
Thankyou so much for making me feel like i am not the only one who struggles with "default" questions, it does make talking to people really hard and you are right people are not their jobs, their is so much more.

Take care
Jacques

[Jacques]

Hi LisaJane,

i can totally relate to the way you feel, i am terrified about personal questions too, but i am lucky mum has been protecting me from it, she steps in and changes the subject when i have to go out in public.

i do the same when i walk of a morning i say hello with my head down, i try so hard not to make eye contact, to avoid having to talk any further, people in my town are so frightened of me, i think they confuse my facial expression of fear as an expression of aggression.  so most of the time people never speak to me, which suits me fine as i struggle to talk anyway.

i feel so alone in the world too, but i have always been a "loner" and never had a major problem with being alone, i feel more awkward having friends, it has always been to stressful for me to have friends, i had a few in highschool but have not spoken to any of them in 16 years.

Take care

Jacques

[Jacques]

Hi Kristin,

i have found it so hard to come hear to talk, after beyond blue i felt so alone, and felt so let down, it was my only source of human interaction and even though i have no emotion i felt so sad.

i can't answer the phone even if i know the number so you should feel good being able to at least answer some calls 😉

it is good you have children to keep you going and help you to function to some degree, for me i have no reason to push myself to do anything, no motivation makes things 10 X harder.

i am so sorry you have bd neighbours too, it makes all our problems so much worse with the added stress of a hostile neighbour.

i know their are good mental health professionals out their, the problem i have is i like and dislike being housebound (if that makes any sense), i am too frightened to want to be part of society and the unknown.  and i don't know if i even want to get better, i have lived this way so long, that i don't know anything else.

being house bound i am in full control and really struggle with not being in control.

trauma for me is a way of life, when i was in primary school i was in 3rd grade, i went to a Christian school and the teacher was a nun, she thought i was too thin and used to lock me in the classroom all lunch until i ate the food she sat in front of me, i would cry and cry, i was so petrified of her, this went on for the whole year until i moved on to fourth grade, i now have a eating problem because of it.  i have disliked religion ever since and even though my treatment was not as bad as others i think it had a major contribution to my seperation anxiety.

Take care

Jacques

[kristin]

Dear @Jacques

I think you have a lot of courage coming and joining us here after what you've been through.

What you said about your agoraphobia has helped me to realise this aspect of the helpfulness (though painful) of parenting my children in my MH journey, so thank you for showing me that grace.

Yes horrid neighbours make it so much harder - I think @kenny66 has a hostile neighbour too. What is it that some people can't just live and let live?

I understand something of your fear of the unknown, and your mistrust of strangers. It makes sense. I suggest perhaps you do want to get better - I see this in you reaching out to us here. It may be a long slow journey but we will walk alongside as you are ready.

Your need for control is very understandable. When I read what you said previously I sensed there was something from primary school, but I didn't want to ask in case it might be triggering for you. I'm so sorry about the way you were treated, thank you for trusting us and sharing it with us. That was not ok - it was torture, literally. I'm sure you're spot on about it being a major contributor - more so with it being so prolonged. I can remember being locked in the classroom all lunchtime once by accident by my grade 2 teacher - and that was traumatic. What happened to you was horrendous! Any wonder it has put you off religion, that is very understandable.

I wonder if you are familiar with PTSD? It strikes me as possible that some of what you describe of your symptoms and your history would fit - particularly with complex PTSD which can arise when the trauma is ongoing rather than a single event. If you're interested in learning more here's a link about it.

So what do you like to do with your time when you can, besides walking - which is a really good thing to do? I am a huge book fan. I used to say "you can never have too many books". We have a library rather than a formal dining room, and it is full of books, so now we have piles on the floor in spots too. I have started to say "it is possible to have too many books, and we do!"  I still haven't got very far on giving some away but it's on my list!

Take care of you.

Kind regards, 

Kristin

[peace]

Hello @Jacques sorry for your tremendous trapped isolation . Yet you have a loving and understanding mother. Thank goodness for this Internet day and age where we can access so many things. We can shop, sell, we can learn anything and everything. We can socialize with anominity and even access services for help with various health conditions. With the use of Skype one can have appointments with concellors. Our options are hugely unlimited. Honestly I think if it is to much for you to enter the outside world then make a loving life inside. Your huge problem seems to be when you loose your Mum. So terribly sad. No point focusing on that far into the future yet I guess your Mum is really worried for you. Yet if you can learn to make use of the Internet you maybe able to get by . Anxiety is such a tough one to deal with. It does tend to keep us stuck. There are treatments which do help. I think your very brave sharing your story and I wish you some peace of mind. By the way you are worthy of the help, just as in titled and important as everyone else. Try and enjoy your sacred space.

[Jacques]

Hi Kristin,

thankyou for giving me thr courage to keep going on here, speaking to you and other on here make me feel so welcome and let me know their are good people in the world.

i know i always think why can't people live their own lives too, but some people are just unable to.

please feel free to ask me any questions, as most have been asked of me before and i am always willing to speak no matter how hard the topic is, i find that hiding my past experiances only makes the problems worse, speaking about them does not make me feel better, but it is comforting to say them out aloud.

i have read up a lot about PTSD and all other mental health issues, my father before his death was at uni studing Psycology and i had to write all of his assignments because he had Motor Neuron Disease and was unable to do anything for himeself, i was his full time carer from 16 throguht till his death when i was 19, i was at school (which is across the road from where i live) and mum called me if she needed me to help her lift him, so i was in and out of class a lot in the last 2 years of highschool.

well to fill in time, from 2005 - 2012 all i did all day was literally look at the wall in my bedroom, i had no income and was unable to go anywere and the only thing i could afford was to sit in my room, it was not so bad, the days, weeks, months and years went by pretty quick power was so expensive i could not turn on my computer for more than an hour per day i could only afford 1 pair of shoes per year so i could only walk once per day.  life was pretty tough up until a year ago, when i was put on a DSP.

i do read, now a lot, i have all of my books on smart phone and read most of the day and night, i read biographies, uni books, computer engineering books, and some fiction books.

i usually read one book every two weeks, but because i find it extremly hard to concentrate i can only read a few pages at a time. 

other than that i do some home renovations of a weekend and do some woodwork,  i used to build model sailing ships, but my hands shake to much to do them now.

thankyou for speaking to me, it means so much.

take care

Jacques

[Troubled_One]

So,

I had some councellors but they wanted me to move in a forward direction and he was a bit negative so I forgot about that.

I have things I want to do in the future, but the future seems so bleak, I wonder if I will ever get there.

But never give up, sometimes it is with a grain of sand.