Lived Experience Forum

[Shimmer]

Hi @Former-Member, @PeppiPatty and @Appleblossom,

Just thought I’d jump in here because it seems like there might be a bit of a misunderstanding developing. 

@Former-Member my sense is that you are feeling like others might be “analysing” you, rather than treating you as a peer and equal - is that right?

Online communication can be so tricky sometimes – there’s no tone of voice or body language to help us understand others’ meanings, and also the time lapses between posts may mean that people are in different headspaces when they send and later receive messages.

My reading of @PeppiPatty and @Appleblossom’s posts were that they both think highly of you @Former-Member and were pleased to hear from you. To me @PeppiPatty seemed to be tentatively reflecting a positive change she thought she had noticed in your emotions (although not phrased as a question, I thought she was still trying to clarify), while @Appleblossom was sharing some of her own thoughts in response to your posts.

I might be completely off base too, but my point is that everyone interprets things differently, it can be really hard to know someone’s meaning online (or in person for that matter!) Sometimes this leads to us feeling triggered or upset, which seems to be the case here. Is that how you’re feeling @Former-Member, or could you clarify further? I wonder if it would be helpful for @PeppiPatty and @Appleblossom to explain a bit more about what they meant so that we all get back on the same page?

@Former-Member as you said, asking for what you would like from others can often help facilitate communication that meets both parties’ needs. It sounds like personally you prefer questions about yourself, your feelings and interests?

[Former-Member]

Thanks heaps @Shimmer, I appreciate your help & taking the time to try to understand me.

Yes, what you write is spot-on. My understanding is it's against the guidelines for peers to write like psychologists etc bc it's not a counselling service. and it doesn't feel safe to participate in a forum where I'm going to be analysed and objectified. 

I did try to be proactive about this earlier & suggested an 'ignore' function but it's obviously not an IT reality. I don't think it's fair that I should have to put up with insulting posts & not be able to ask peers to stop it. maybe you should have a Mod request form or something standard for us to follow to get Mod help with feeling insulted.

Saying someone 'thinks highly of me' is of no use or interest to me, in fact it's devastating & depressing. Oh no, not that agian. I have files full of awards indicating that total stangers have judged me to be of a certain 'quality' intellectually. they are useless, cold peices of paper - there are endless people who gave me awards who 'think highly of me'. they don't like me, have never given me a hug, aren't intertested in getting to know me, they don't want to be my friend & refuse to spend time with me. What they do want is to be entertained - with my intellectual prowess, writing, candour, whatever. It's like being fed off and parasitised. That's very lonely, no wonder I socially isolate when that's all that's on offer.

being 'admired' or 'thought highly of' is lonely and horrible when you have no friends or family, no human warmth or relationships; people keep you at arms length & just expect you to entertain them, they don't see you as a person with needs & feelings & assume you're just this indestructable robot who only wants to churn out entertaining writing. it feels like people just use you to recharge your batteries off of, like you're a lesser being not an equal. so yes Shimmer, i wold have prefered qtns about my interests but don't see that happening as you can't force it, I'm disppointed it didn't happen organically. I'm sick of being the odd one out & it now feels like I'm being punished while others get along like a house on fire & just get to use my posts for inspiriation & entertainment. The only thing I can do to change that is stop posting.  

[PeppiPatty]

DEar @Former-Member

Thank you for your message. Im certainly not a profeccional .....therefore...'I feel.'

I deeply apologise for crossing the boundry.

I value your cleverness and enjoyed reading you.

Im sorry

Can we stay friends and 

I promise not to do any Psydo Intellectualism.

Anne 

or @PeppiPatty

[Appleblossom]

I was surprised both times you took my posts as personal against yourself. I got that you had solid experience, wisdom and training @Former-Member.  That is why I was glad that you started to post again.

I dont know if you are older or younger than me .. I wondered if you would share it "organically" too or if you were a person who didnt want to discuss age in detail. I certainly had respect for you and am sorry you felt disrespected by anything I directly wrote to you.

No doubt there are a lot of skills and competencies hidden within this community ... I do try to focus on that in posting ... but dont always know the right thing to say to every person "in the moment".  Too often "how are you" has been said by people who dont mean it ... or trite hugs are given ... yet i try to adopt the sending of virtual hugs too ... and have started to soften since posting. Sometimes a direct question can just produce a flood of tears in me ... sometimes a quite smile and nod is all I can manage. @Shimmer is right that online interactions suffer from not having the visual and physical connection .. the coming closer to pay more attention or the soft touch on an arm. 

I am personally wary of sugary approaches in interpersonal dealings ... it does not mean there is no warmth or respect.  Yet as older females we can be easily triggered, whether there is intention or even lack of manners, or not.

I have been open about my personal feelings and family experiences in a way on this forum that could easily make me vulnerable or a cheap target ... I have hoped that would not happen and mostly I have felt respected. Usually a professional has the resources to keep their personal and professional lives separate ... but not always ... I dont believe anyone is completely objective .. we ALL have baggage. Being peers means sharing strengths and weaknesses.

I have apologised before to you when you reacted to something general that was not on a thread you had posted on. I shared deeply from my personal experience I thought that might clarify and bring us closer together

I think this community as a whole benefits from all of us, definitely you included. It seemed that you felt left out. That is not social diatribe... just my belief... I also have to careful not to become too apologetic ... and claim the best for myself and any others I meet.

I am actually interested in your interests.  @Former-Member Sometimes my skills are lacking and I admit being aspergerish ... but I do try ...Dont we all need a bit of give and take and a commitment not to be overly reactive? We have all endured loneliness on this site. .. I dont the know the answers ... but just try to reach out, respond and bridge gaps.

[Shimmer]

Hi again @Former-Member

I'm glad you feel that I understood your meaning 🙂

Oh dear, I worded that poorly, I'm sorry! By "think highly of you" I actually meant like you and want to be friends with you - as I think @Appleblossom may have said in her post. Another example of ambiguity and confusion within online communication!

I can certainly see what you mean about feeling lonely when "admired" from a distance. My intention was not to bring up those "devastated" feelings, I was actually referring to the warm kind of relationships that you seem to be saying you are wanting. Does that make sense?

I hope you don't stop posting @Former-Member, myself and others enjoy connecting with you and value your contributions. I think that you have been able to do something else instead, that is, clearly state your needs, which is a powerful thing, and offers the opportunity for them to be met 🙂

[PeppiPatty]

Is she teaching boundaries ? I'v got practically no boundaries

[Jacques]

Sorry @Former-Member, @Appleblossom, @PeppiPatty & @Shimmer,

I do really hope you can all work through this mis-understanding.

Be kind to yourselves.

Jacques

[CherryBomb]

Hi everyone @Appleblossom @PeppiPatty @Former-Member,

What I think I'm picking up in your conversations with each other is that neither of you are unhappy with how you have addressed each other. 

May I point out that we can never know what someone's intentions are. We can only make interpretations about what they have said. These are interpretations are neither right or wrong, they are your truths, but bear in mind that YOUR intrepretation of someone else's behaviour/post may not be how THEY viewed their behaviour, and it might not have been their intention.

It can be frustrating and painful to have good intentions, and reach out to others, only be told by someone else that your actions were ill-intended. For instance, lets say I gave @Shimmer a book about puppies because I thought she liked dogs, but then she accuses me of sugggesting that she is a dog. This conversation could quickly spiral, with me feeling misunderstood and attacked. As well as @Shimmer feeling insulted. What could be helpful in this instance is seeking clarification rather than making assumptions.  She could ask, 'what were your intentions of giving me this book?'

I'm about to close this thread now. Now, please know that is not because of the concern that I'm addressing in this post but because @Jacques and @hiddenite have agreed that it is about time we close this thread. It's something that we're going to do when discussion thread reach about 2000 posts around the Forums

But please feel free to continue this discussion elsewhere. May I suggest doing it here - the thread about 'when things get tough here on the Forums.' I've suggested this thread because I think it's relevant, as there's also tips on there for managing difficult conversations on here.

Also @Former-Member, I know that you have mentioned the ignore feature. This was discussed in a meeting with I.T. Please know that these changes can take some time because I.T. need to figure out if it's possible and then develop ways to do it. 

CB

CB

[Appleblossom]

You have nothing to be sorry about @Jacques.

Yes I hope we can work out this misunderstanding with @Former-Member. 

@Former-Member said somewhere she wanted to be friends and I still am open to that ... but I have never in my life made a post that directly criticised someone ... I try to be diplomatic ... and personal ... that is not condescending or trite ... and sadly I share the feeling she spoke of in being deemed of high intellectual prowess but not worthy of a hug too ......I know that sometimes I am very raw and find it difficult to believe that someone is genuine when they say something positive ...yet I thought I shouldnt sit on (hide) that last feeling, it is just a reaction and I can deal with that.

Working through conflict is new for me but I never start an argument .. only did a little bit of debating in year 7.

Here is too good will ...

[NikNik]

This thread has been closed with the consent of the author