Need to vent pls

[BlueBay]

hi everyone

i need to vent - if i can

i am emotional, angry, frustrated, sad etc etc - because i can't see my dad 

i had a dream last night where i saw him and told him i love him so much - that's the problem i CAN'T see him - all because of my mum

my situation is that at the moment i haven't seen my dad (and mum) for over a year.  my mum is a very controlling, manipulative narcissist who controls everything.

she was once really nice to me - all before my childhood sexual abuse came out (15 yrs ago)

after that - i have been blamed for the abuse; yelled at by her for not telling her first; told by her that i have betrayed the family.

i found out last year my dad has cancer and i was NOT told.  the only person who told me was my sister only because i pushed her for answers.  she first told me 'she couldn't tell me what was wrong with him' - how can a sister keep something so seroius like that away from another family member

so i don't know anything - how he is; if he is in hospital.  my sister has told me she will tell me if he gos into hospital - but i am not so sure.

what if i dont' get to see my dad.

he doesn't have a mobile phone; no computer; never answers the home phone.

if i did go there i know that my mother would NOT open the door as she has done this before

does he not think about me; or why i haven't gone over to visit.  she will be telling him lies to make herself look good.  she will be blaming me.

she is making me suffer and pay for what i told her about my childhood abuse

this is why i blame myself

i miss my dad so so much 

i really hate my mum 

she has taken everythng away from me

[tyme]

Hey @BlueBay ,

Thank you for popping by and sharing what's been going on for you. It takes a lot of courage to do this, especially when things are so so hard.

I'm sorry to hear that this is still going on. Would you call it elder abuse? Then again, I vaguely remember you mentioning your dad doesn't really stand up for himself - is that still the case?

Hugs @BlueBay . I hear how hurt you are and that after all these years, you are continuing to 'pay for' something you did NOT ask for.

Are there others who can support you to see your dad? I mean, other relatives who can take him or you to meet at a cafe or something?

Sitting with you.

You've often shared how much you love your dad and what he means to you. If you write down what you want to say to him, does that help ease things a little?

[BlueBay]

hi @tyme thanks for your reply and support xxx

there are no family members who will step in to help me see my dad.

my sister (the only sibling i talk to) won't get involved

yes my psych has mentioned elder abuse to me before; i can't do anything because she is too strong and then i will pay for that big time

i can't do anything; i am so stuck

i have written letters to him before but it doesn't really help much.  i end up too upset.

i have 3 cards for him in my drawer - 2 birthday's and one fathers day.  

as you know if i was to post them my mum would post them back and prob my dad wouldn't even know

its such a horrible place to be in - not able to see someone that you dearly love

[BlueBay]

I’m not good today 

woke up crying mess 

was meant to go to the gym but didn’t 

[rav3n]

aw no, i'm so sorry to hear that @BlueBay gyms been a hard one for me to attend too. is there maybe an alternative to gym that you can look into for today? i think i recall you mentioned that you liked walking by the beach? 💙

[BlueBay]

hi @rav3n 

i ended up driving to get petrol and then my daughter called to meet her and my granddaughter at the local pool.  they then came back to my place and have just left.

getting dinner ready - chicken and veggies roasted