When I read you post I was full of admiration for what you have achieved. That is a total credit to you. Im wondering if you have professional support still living in a rural area. I know it is especially tricky in the county areas.
As as far as things like fear of abandonment and that pull you push you cycle I think it takes insight and time to work through this for it not to become a default setting. You seem to have good insight and a partner who will give you time. I have had some pretty big fears of abandonment over the years (my coping strategy was to turn it on myself). I can’t say I’m over it yet but currently it isn’t pervading my life like it once did. I should note I dont have a current partner but I’m guessing if I go down that road it would be part of the difficulties I’d face. My gut is that as long as you can acknowledge to your partner when these things are in play (or shortly after) then you can both work on it together.
In any relationship there will be barriers and conflicts to work through. There is likely to be more success if you can keep communication lines open with the tricky and the good. Celebrate together when you have a win, that way it’s not just about you, you are solving problems together. Sorry that was probably a bit too much along the advice lines. I’m not one to give advice on this as I’ve had two failed long term relationships. I learn from others who have tricky things to get through and teamwork is often the defining thing. You could make one of the things like the abandonment issue a goal to set with your partner and break it down into the steps. Every small step you celebrate together. It will take time and love to get through but you deserve to be loved and not have this on your shoulders.
Thanks for the tag @eth
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