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  • Author : Dec
  • support : 3
  • Topic : Our stories
2019-06-14T08:40:19+00:00
Dec
Senior Contributor

Hi @BlueBay 

 

I am not a psychologist or anything like that - actually I am an accountant - but I can try to give you an objective point of view

 

It's really great that you write your thoughts and experiences here - you are keeping a journal in a magical way because people can interact with you and support you and reflect back what we understand - 

 

I recollect that you said once that you have to be perfect at home - and that's unrealistic behaviour for anyone - if you could share that might help but from what I am reading Huffnpuff doesn't just want to hear - he can't - I understand that perfectly. Been there

 

I don't know enough about your kids to know if they would be understanding or not - perhaps not your boys but D seems to be a sensible young woman and only you know if she would be sympathetic - for a long time my D seemed not to be someone I could open up to but her own life experiences have given her cause to think more deeply - so in time your D might be an ally through all of this - have you given her a chance yet?

 

It's hard for you to see that you are improving but I have been privy to the deepest parts of your story as you see them - what a priviledge this has been - so I have seen this for myself and so have other people - I know because I have read it in the forum. I think you can't see this because you are in the middle of all of it and what I see is that you are often in the middle of a storm and stuff is blown into your face a lot. It's really hard to see in a bad storm - psychological storms are like this too.

 

Your depression is part of your MI - you need to accept the depression and I have had reactive depression so I know how helpless that can make people feel - your negative thinking can be changed - as you start to see that you are a good person and doing your best in your life with all sorts of setbacks. You can start changing your thought from negative to positve an event at a time - it will take a lot of time and effort but it is possible. Sometimes negative thoughts can be a form of SH - somehow people feel they need to punish themselves for having unrealistic ideas about what they can achieve - you can change your thinking and you only have to start having positive thoughts you will start to like yourself better - you are entitled to feel better

 

I am pretty sure I have a rough idea of where you live and yes - that is a lovely place to be - when your kids have all moved out then down-sizing would be a good idea - I had a lovely little house we bought not long after we married. We had to up-size yet to this day I regret leaving that little house - this is life - 

 

But rent is expensive too - one good thing is freedom from the tyranny of real estate so you can get up and move whenever you need to - it's hard to give up your home but I suggest you see a financial advisor about the decision before you try and see - moving to a cheaper area is sensible but not easy but if you can get a cheaper property it would help

 

All this is hanging over your head and I know because you have told us that Huffnpuff leaves these things up to you really and you should be in partnership with him and this is hard for you because you love him but he really seems to be dragging you down 

 

You seem to need to see a marriage counsellor - look around on line or go to a church and ask for a professional person to give you some assistance. Your marriage seems to be going down - Huffnpuff's learned helplessness and passive agression is corrosive. It's really hard for work this out for yourself. You may have to leave the marriage. btw - that's not the end of the story but rather the beginning of another and it's not easy to go it alone.

 

And to get divorced - (it used to be the case ) - both of you need to see a counsellor and you already are - it may mean that Huffnpuff will see the error of the ways - and it takes to to make a marriage and two to provide enough problems to make it a rough track. It's not possible for it to be all your fault - in fact what I read is that you are the main driver - you manage so much without his help. Blaming yourself for the state of your finances is not your fault - he could get a part time job himself but you said he won't - 

 

About the intimate side of marriage - the medication can take away the desire - so I have read - but the stress you are under is a huge issue too - it's not your fault - I have been there too - who wants to be close to someone who is rubbing them up the wrong way all the time

 

Take time to think without blaming yourself. And this post is just how I see things and understand - this is peer support - I have been through a lot of the same stuff and in my life the death of our son was the last straw in a marriage that was sad rather than bad - 

 

It's hard - I really feel for youHeart

 

Dec

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