Lived Experience Forum

[Confused18]

Hi! 
It's a long one but please bear with me ❤️
I came accros this forum when looking into PPD. I've never really thought I had it until I saw a mention of postpartum rage being a symptom. I feel I have been suffering from this for some time and possibly as a result PPD.
I'm not confident to talk to a GP about it yet not even my husband as I feel he'll hold it against me as the cause of our problems. 
I guess I'm on here to see what others think and any advice as I know it's different from person to person.
The reason I've never thought about it is because I absolutely love my child and being a mum and have no regrets about that part, it has its bloody hard moments but I feel that's all normal and I'm content with that, I more confident than I ever have been. However my "rage" (I hate that term) is bubbling up a bit lately when my LO has meltdowns and I hate being short with them as I know they're not doing it on purpose, the only sad feelings I ever get in relation to them is the idea of bringing another child into the family and taking away my time with them (2.5 yrs old).
My main issues are with my husband. We've had our problems over the years but since becoming a mum it's gone down hill quicker than a bobsled! Pretty much everything he does triggers me now, I feel unsupported, I feel alone, under appreciated, I resent that he hasn't really changed his lifestyle and he hasn't been there when I needed him. I'm actually repulsed by him at times, we're not intimate at all as I don't want to be. It's been going on so long Im not sure I can see it getting better but I feel absolutely horrible about the concept of breaking up my child's family

and at the chance it could get better. 

I can't talk to him about my issues but I try with him, but he shuts down and flips everything back on me (eg. it's my issue that he doesn't always use soap to clean the dishes and if I want it done any different to do it myself).

I'm just so burnt out and with COVID and being stuck at home away from any other support and with restrictions still here and lack of a break it's put even more pressure on. I'm just so confused at whether this is now mostly caused by me (PPD) or if it's just we're not compatible anymore. He's got issues of his own but isn't really doing much to better himself either.

Thanks for reading! 

[Aniela]

Hi @Confused18 

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time at the moment. I don't have children, so I'm not really sure how to identify with those issues, and I also want to support you.

From my experience when I feel sad/down/depressed, it is sometimes my relationships or interpersonal conflicts that are the cause. Or how I am perceiving the interactions with people. It's hard to know what comes first. The depression comes first which causes the interpersonal conflict, or the interpersonal conflict comes first and then the depression? I guess it's a cycle that keeps feeding for me. 

Rage is a scary emotion to have. In my experience rage comes from a deep sense of sadness and feeling things aren't fair. Extreme anger at times is a coping mechanism to help deal with my deep sadness. 

I hope I have been able to help, or at least have made you feel a little supported. 🙂

[Maggie]

@Confused18  Hi and welcome.

I don’t have any advice, but I will tag a few who might be able to offer some help.

@Appleblossom  @Beth  @Faith-and Hope .

I am sorry you are struggling with so much right now. I have a listening ear, if nothing else.

[Confused18]

Thank you @Aniela,

Your reply has definitely made me feel supported and I truly appreciate it. 

I guess that's the big question that won't easily be found isn't it, which one came first?

I never saw my feelings as a possible "negative" emotion (PPD) to begin with but instead a strength I developed from becoming a mum and having someone else's feeling to protect as well. I felt that I changed as a person in many ways and I was no longer willing to put up with things I once was, as I didn't want our child to have to be put through them as well. I feel this is a struggle for my husband to accept and adapt to. But then maybe it's be clouded by possible PPD so I'm not sure what's what and if so which came first as you mentioned. 

Yes I feel you're right about the rage, I just find my "cup" is just so full with all this stress and emotional I'm carrying and unfortunately my toddler is the one the tends to be there when it overflows poor thing I try my best. 

Thank you again, it's helped me feel I need to look even closer to my feelings. 

[Confused18]

Thank you @Maggie, I really appreciate it. 

[jem80]

@Confused18 

I can only imagine the stress that COVID-19 is placing on your relationship. It is easy for anger to bubble up to the service. I can only imagine the challenges your family is having with COVID-19. Whilst I don't have kids, as a Peer Facilitator I know that there are some resources that can help with anger management counselling.

https://lifesupportscounselling.com.au/specialist-areas/anger-management-counselling/

Take a look at Relationship Australia

https://www.relationships.org.au/

Hopefully there might be some helpful information for you about relationships help in your own state or territory.

[Martian]

Hi, I have 2 children who are grown. I did experience PPD, the emotions and anger was awful within me, like a hot flush, that I get now being menopausal. My partner was only doing simple tasks around the home, and of course hygiene is a worry with little ones, so that added more stress. I realised that responsibility mostly landed on me, and that hurt. I felt alone too, but I wasn't in lockdown, imagine how strong you are becoming, you sound strong in your message but sad for so many real reasons. I think you are an amazing person, you are worried about your sweetheart and wanting to give them both attention. You are angry with your husband which affects intimacy, understandably. The last thing you want is intimacy with so many worries, I know that feeling. So much stress on you does make us emotional, I joimed a garden group and playgroup which you can't do, how overwhelming that must be. You are amazing 🐬

[Aniela]

@Confused18 

I am pleased to hear my post helped you feel supported. 🙂 

Emotions ARE a strength. Emotions have a purpose. They're not just to annoy us (although sometimes it seems like it.) I've learned emotions have 3 functions:

1.To communicate to us our own values

2.To motivate us for action

3.To communicate to others.

No emotions are "bad emotions." These days I notice my emotions and try to figure out what message they are telling me. I think of my emotions as a child that needs to be listened to and validated. If I don't listen, then they escalate, just like a child not being listened to would. 

I think it's beautiful that you have identified your strength in protecting your toddler's feelings. A protective mum. I like it. 🙂 I also admire you are on here seeking to make sense of things. 🙂  

[Confused18]

Hi @jem80,

Covid-19 has certainly put extra pressure on the situation and created others like for everyone in some way I'm sure. It has definitely made our situation more tense at times, as having no option to "escape" each other at times when we might need to go to a happy place or simply feel supported by others. 

Thank you for these links, I'll definitely have a read through these websites. 

[Confused18]

Hi @Martian 

Thank you for telling me about your experience, it truly is added stresses and heavy to carry everything on our own at times.
I find it very hard, as much as I appreciate the simple things that are done around to help it's just no where near enough and it comes across as such a burden to ask my husband plus when it's not done to a (normal not just my standard) it's "easier" to just do it myself which creates added anger. 
I do feel I am strong as a person and getting stronger and maybe too strong as an individual and not much as a partnership in our situation. 
I also have the added stress of adding a sibling so my daughter has someone to grow up with and have that support, I feel I'm failing her to give her that too, she's a strong person and I know either way she will be okay but it's hard. 
A gardening club sounds lovely! We had signed up for an amazing play group for her that was supposed to start in July, but fingers crossed they're not too far away now. 
Did you find the groups helped you with your PPD and stresses from home?

Thank you again for your support.