Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Because]

@Paul5 

I am so sorry to read about your situation - I can feel your pain, desperation an exhaustion. I note you are in South Sydney so perhaps your daughter might be eligible for the Suicide Prevention And Recovery Cottage (SPARC) - a pilot program from Independent Community Living Australia (ICLA). I've copied some information here: https://www.cesphn.org.au/news/latest-updates/4209-sparc-a-new-mental-health-respite-service.

I know the terror you and your wife must be feeling, I have felt it first hand. You are strong - you've been there for your daughters every day, you're turning over every stone, you've found this forum - keep going. And make sure you and your wife look after yourselves. 

Take care x

[YAKA]

Hi @Paul5  

You're not alone. We feel for you and your family, and wish you every strength.

We too have a grown child (son, 22) with a range of issues that are intertwined and seemingly impossible to untangle. We wish so much joy for our children, and as a parent, you can never be prepared for the pain that THEIR pain brings you.

Our beautiful, bright and charismatic son has, for the last 4 years, been living in chronic pain from a sporting injury. He is now full of anger and resentment, he is addicted to prescription drugs, he smokes, and is struggling to find joy in life. Lockdown, isolation and restrictions during Covid-19 have been an awful addition to the load.  Our son does not trust anyone in the medical profession, because they haven't been able to "cure" him, and they don't offer wholistic, integrated or complete solutions. He cannot play sport (loves soccer), he cannot sit for more than 20 mins without being in pain, he struggles to hold his job, he has faltering self-respect, and has lost motivation to help himself. He feels that he has missed the best years of his life. He gambles, relies on prescription drugs, punches holes in doors, and says hurtful things. He has moments, and stretches, of kindness and clarity, but they do not last. 

I cannot offer you complete solutions, because we do not know them yet ourselves, but I do offer comraderie and small tokens of support.

A friend of mine, who is a Counsellor, gave me an analogy that sometimes helps when I am feeling hopeless - it gives me the strength to try again.

She said that it's like your child is in a deep, dark well. You cannot go down there, and you cannot drag them out. They have to climb out themselves. But you can throw them 'ropes' to help them climb out. These ropes are the things you do (or suggest) to help them. Some of the 'ropes' you throw down will be too short and will not reach them. Some will be too hard to hold, and they will not grip them. Some, they will hold onto, but not climb. Some they will start to climb, and then slip off. Some ropes will help them get to a rocky shelf, part-way up the well. They may sit for a while, and then slip down, or start looking for a new rope to climb higher. Someone else may throw ropes, and they may use them too. They may go up and down on the ropes, but through it all, they need to know that you are there, sending the ropes down, standing in the light. The climb is theirs to do. You can only send them ropes to climb, and encouragement to grab on. They can climb out, but we don't know which combination of ropes will help them. We just have to keep trying.

I know it is not a solution, but it helps me to keep trying when it all seems fruitless and unappreciated. 

And the other one that keeps us going is what we call 'little wins'. We keep looking for little wins for him. They are things which give him hope and a small flush of happiness. Like buying him a blueberry plant in a pot so he can watch it flower and fruit. Or getting his car tyres changed for him before he has to ask. Keeping watch, and finding a job ad that he can apply for (then helping him write the application). Letting him know when a good local band is playing. Setting him up to meet new and interesting people. Taking him out and buying him a good lunch. Congratulating him for achievements, no matter how small. Telling him how smart he looks in a new shirt. Little wins.  

We have also noticed that he likes to help others. It seems to take his mind off himself. He offers help to his brother. Cares for animals. He is kind to kids with disbilities. This is something we will continue to explore. 

We too have great fears of losing our boy to depression, drugs, alcohol, foolishness or self-harm. 

But he has made progress - he's in a better place than he was 2 years ago. For that we are grateful. But it is not a straight path, and every set-back seems to hit us hard. 

We just keep stepping up to the top of the well, throwing those ropes down for him. 

We hurt, like I'm sure you do, but we don't blame ourselves. 

We keep planning and dreaming.

We keep ourselves active and connected, just enough to stay sane. 

When it all gets a bit rough, I just go for a drive, turn up the music and sing, badly and loudly. It helps.

I wish you every luck with your daughters, and hope that some of our musings are useful for you.

Stay strong, keep loving them. They can come back and find a life they love. I really do believe that.  

Kind wishes to you and your family.

YAKA