Lived Experience Forum

[NoLongerATree]

Hello, I'm not sure why I sought this site out. Perhaps I had hoped to offer insight to the doubtful and doubt to those caught on insight. 

In that, I wonder if I'm seeking balance in myself through others, acting vicariously for those I can more easily accept as some sort of emotional surrogate of compartmentalisations of myself. I don't think I'm alone in this sort of venture.

I'm not on any medication, and I'm usually quite introverted. I have a lot of interests. I wonder how long I'll be around here for. I'm young, but the apprehension of aging is often at the cusp of my thoughts; how many years will I waste with that sort of noise. I have/had problems with impulsive behaviour, a history of involuntary suicidal ideation and some degree of paranoia. 

I find myself becoming jaded, and I wonder whether or not thinking about being jaded is already beyond the point. Insight is the dwelling place of desire, but what am I to desire when instinct leads to the failure of a will; and will leads to the abandoning instinct. Soulless or mindless. Is there something in between that isn't disingenuous.

There's a lot to think about, and find distraction in. Is that what this is.

[Appleblossom]

@NoLongerATree 

I like the paradoxical aspect of your name.

Hearing you about some of the issue about the magical word "insight".  Usually it means being able to make sense of something, and is not just a trait we own, or have it or dont.  I think it is very insightful to describe the group process the way you did.

Make the forums work for you.  Your sadness comes through, but maybe some of it will lift over time.  It has been a very tough year in the world generally, so reason for concern.  I only discovered active joy and laughter late in life.

[Sophia1]

Hello @NoLongerATree 

Hello, my name is Sophia 

User name Sophia 1

Of course my real name is not Sophia

You write with depth and questioning which resonates strongly to my own life path.

I have of course had varying stages where the path has had side roads, offshoots.

Plenty of opportunity to become lost.

I actually have no sense of direction literally.

This possibly feeds into the way my mind works or is just an additive alongside my working mind

You have stated that you are young.

You mentioned seeking balance through others, searching, seeking perhaps emotional surrogates.

No you are definitely not alone.

You are also not unwell in having these thoughts, desires. This is a normal human reaction for a need that all humans seek, acceptance, acknowledgement, love. It is part of our makeup.

Society is what stuffs this up depending on which part of the world we inhabit, which culture we are born into and humans with whom we associate along the way.

I believe that you are searching answers and wanting to learn more about yourself at a deeper level, than perhaps those around you.

For me this is wonderful. Perhaps you are not receiving this message in your real world.

I certainly did not in my world.

I am not young. I am still learning about myself though. I am extremely deep and very sensitive.

I have even been told by my therapist that I am extremely deep, the deepest person that he has so far encountered.

He did add that this was a good thing after hearing me gasp.

When we do dig deep within ourselves, we discover more than we can deal with unless supported, if we struggle.

Finding support can be difficult. Finding the support that suits you is what I mean.

You mentioned insight as being the place of desire. 

Insight within oneself is connecting with our true beings in a non -judgemental, non-materalistic, a totally pure place, a state where words have no meaning. A place that we do not even know exists until we start to discover such an unexplainable sense.

Forget words.

Continue to stay in touch with your insight and be proud.

As you are young, I do hope that you have an open minded therapist who will gently guide and support you in such an invaluable journey.

Most importantly is that you have more, at whatever age you are, than most people have in their lifetime if you have strong insight.

Safe guidance will help you grow.

Your life has much to offer. You have much to discover.

Believe in you, not the paranoia. This is where you might find guidance from the right source helpful.

Acknowledging that you have suicidal ideation is helpful for you as you are bringing these dire feelings to the surface and recognising them.

Many people have these thoughts without having symptoms of any mind struggles ( I do not like the term mental illness).

I hope that you have a gp who is a strong listener and will offer suggestions and provide you with the best help and referral to the best therapist for you.

Sane helpline can also offer names of different organisations confidentially.

You are very strong.

I am thankful that I found your post.

I have an adult family member (cannot disclose relationship due to confidentiality) who has paranoia and does not discuss or allude to any acknowledgement of insight in this area.

Keep on writing.

There are some younger threads about.

@Flying_Hams @TheVorticon @outlander are a few that I can think of.

They can offer other suggestions.

They will also invite and include you. allow you to be you.

Sophia

[Flying_Hams]

@NoLongerATree
Hi there its good to meet you.
You are very insightful as many here have said already.
I hope you are okay

[TheVorticon]

Hi @NoLongerATree  and welcome to the forum.

Your thread interests me (and thanks for the tag @Sophia1 ) because it's a very intellectualised way of looking at things. Apologies if this isn't what you're doing, but I'm wondering if you have a habit of intellectualising your experiences in lieu of feeling them?

It reminds me of when I was starting out on my 'mental health journey' - I could write and analyse literature, but had no language to talk plainly about my feelings without obscuring them in abstractions and metaphors. As a result I consistently felt unheard and alone without capacity to explain that to myself, or awareness that things could be different. Over time I learned that there was another way to experience and communicate which has turned out to be a lot healthier for me. Where possible I try to avoid sliding back to old habits. The new way may have dulled my wit and formed me into a soft, mushy dope, but emotionally it's truly been worth it.

[Sophia1]

Hello @NoLongerATree 

along with all who have responded and offered support 

I hope that you are feeling comfortable after taking your first step in reaching out on these forums @NoLongerATree .

A very difficult and courageous act for each and everyone of us who have landed here for whatever reasons.

We all have our own unique personalities, symptoms and stories.

We all have our own way of protecting ourselves, our vulnerability and fragility.

We all respond in our own style.

Always as a person's words have touched us.

We thank you for your bravery in writing your story on the lived experience forum.

You have given support to us as well, by this very act of sharing your thoughts with all of us who have done the same at some stage. You have entrusted your thoughts. Know that they are safe.

All of us not knowing what to expect when posting at first, even though there is so much information and support offered on the website.

We still are here because we want to feel valued and loveable.

I want to express the magnitude of feelings and belief that comes with writing a post along with others responding wanting to offer their support.  Each of us in our own unique ways.

I hope that you feel safe and find some comfort in these words.

I hope that you continue to write to us if and when able.

There is no pressure though. The decision is yours, as you are respecting your health and safety.

Take care

Sophia

[Former-Member]

Hello there @NoLongerATree , I just wanted to pop in and say welcome to the forums. I hope you find it to be a supportive, friendly place here, and make some connections with other users if you feel comfortable.

I also just wanted to say, you have a way with words, and I like your username. If you'd like someone to talk to, I'm here. I may not be around all the time but I'm still here to respond when I can, if you wish, but no pressure.

Please take care of yourself.

[NoLongerATree]

@Appleblossom I appreciate the irony of something both convoluted and nondescript, though that's a post hoc analysis of my name.

Your comment reminds me that sometimes it is on the verge of necessity to look at art with blurred vision.

You denote active joy and laughter, is that enough for you to reconcile with yourself when it isn't so active, and how did you discover it. It seems to me that discovery is only really sustainable when solidified in the serendipity of a blurred will to exist; that is to say that you can't look for what you hope to find, if you ever want to keep it. Further, our vision always seems to sharpen at just the wrong times, seeing that we have once more accomplished something that eludes us.

Is this why happiness is so forgettable. Is your happiness like that?

[NoLongerATree]

Hello, @Sophia1 

The space between direction is an interesting thought. You may be an avatar of the in between. Where two roads diverge, and frost was never seen. There's a genus of tree that comes to mind- 'Cladrastis', roughly meaning fragile branches. Prized trees always require special care.

A state where words have no meaning. The end point of insight is a state in which desire is no longer required to achieve peace, because you already have it. Unfortunately if you're standing at the doorway to such a place you couldn't be further from peace. Too many sharp twists of irony like this cloud judgement, and with such a plethora of these cataracts guaranteed, suffering quickly appears to be a feature, rather than a bug.

I don't have a therapist. I'm often highly averse to seeking help from others, for various reasons. It's unclear whether or not this is of net gain or loss.

Perhaps this is a feature less of paranoia and more of psychosis. 

Struggle is an appropriate term. I see much too often the pathologising of things not yet understood in a rush to offer heuristic solutions, often the ends being mediocre self gratification.

I appreciate the thoughtful response. Thank you.

[NoLongerATree]

Hello, @Flying_Hams 

Nice to meet you, too. Thank you for the kind wishes.