Lived Experience Forum

[harpy33]

Thinking this would help someone, I wanted to tell you about my serious bouts with panic attacks this year, how it progressed and how I eventually got better. It started the last week of February  of 2018. I was sitting in my office when I had such an unusual feeling like I had never had before. The day before I was at band practice and was exhausted, very stressed. I tend to stretch myself thin. I was so faint I felt like laying on the floor and for the day leading up to my first panic attack I had been feeling very faint when standing after being still for a long time.  The unusual feeling gave me tingling in my hands and feet and fogginess in my head. A sense of unreality. My PC screen shifted when I looked at it. My boss came into my office to discuss something and I stoically nodded. There was a real terror in my heart and I couldn’t speak. A co-worker walked me around outside.  With a family history of mental illness and epilepsy I was very scared there was something very wrong. I am 34, and at the time undiagnosed Bi-polar.

Friday of that week my band played a show. It happened again. Good Vibrations was on the jukebox. It was terrible. My heart rose to a frantic beat and I was hyperventilating, unprovoked. Later that night I tried watching a movie and it happened again during a stressful scene. Terrified I lay in my bed and felt like I was going blind. My partner took me to the ER. The drive seemed painfully long. After all of my vitals were checked, blood tests, X-rays, heart and lung exams and even a V++++, the doctor came to ask if I ever had a panic attack before.

I did. September of that year I made my friend a THC laced birthday cake and one small piece sent me through all 7 layers of hell. 5 years before there was a bad shroom trip where I screamed outside believing I had been poisoned. This was the first time I had one unprovoked. I am an abuse survivor and a sufferer of a mood disorder but I still had no idea all of this was catching up with me.

Two weeks later was the opening reception for my art show. I took acid two hours before (this is later what my therapist would describe as “risk taking behavior” common with BPs). This trip hit me hard and immediately I felt the panic coming back, and I was being consumed by it. The reception went well but after an uneasy Uber ride home, I was in full panic mode with all of these physical and mental effects that are so traumatizing. I felt like a sentient being trapped in a human shell. I felt like I had damaged my mind, destroyed my life, I felt that if I slept I would die. The fear was beyond any I had ever felt. An existential nightmare, screaming dread and hellfire misery. The sense of dying is a terror that has no equal.

I went to my general practitioner twice. They checked my vital signs again. I was becoming a hypochondriac about my health. I didn’t believe the medical professionals when they said I was normal. They advised me to go to a mental health hospital to get emergency help for my mental breakdown. When my partner and I went, we were afraid I was to be locked up for good. It was a demoralizing experience. I was treated like a criminal. My partner got me out of there and I reached out to my therapist who I had stopped seeing earlier that year.

My therapist convinced me to stop using psychedelics and weed and to abstain from drinking. She also recommended my eating whole foods and limiting caffeine and stay on my exercise regimen. She also insisted I see a psychiatrist.  I had many panic attacks; about every other day or so at varying intensity for weeks to months after. I gave up drinking for two weeks. I had been a weekend drinker, consuming at least two drinks a go, but I gave it up. I noticed that when I had a drink the panic would ensnare me and trigger an attack. The two week abstinence was easy and helped me curb my appetite for booze.  I don’t miss getting drunk.

I saw a psychiatrist who sent me for more blood work and an EEG. The blood work came back showing I was anemic. Anemia has a lot of the same symptoms as panic attacks, including faintness and chest pain. I was put on an iron pill regimen in combination with my Women’s vitamins with Magnesium. (Can't recommend vitamins enough!). The EEG came back normal, no epilepsy or tumor but did have evidence of Bipolar. I was formally diagnosed in May. I take medication for panic with no bad side effects.

This was a six month journey. I have not a severe attack in a few months. I don’t do drugs and I drink rarely. I eat healthier, I am more mindful. In a bizarre way the panic attacks helped me live healthier and if not for them I may never had been properly diagnosed or treated for Bipolar and anemia.

Here is a list of symptoms I had:

·         Sense of impending doom or danger

·         Fear of loss of control or death

·         Rapid, pounding heart rate

·         Sweating

·         Trembling or shaking

·         Shortness of breath or tightness in your throat

·         Chills

·         Hot flashes

·         Nausea

·         Abdominal cramping

·         Chest pain/tightness

·         Headache

·         Dizziness, lightheadedness or faintness

·         Numbness or tingling sensation

·         Feeling of unreality or detachment

I wanted to share this because many times while I was in throes of an attack I read other people’s accounts to feel safe, that I was not going to die. I have some advice for others.

·         Get checked by your GP to make sure your body is fine

·         See a therapist and maybe a psychiatrist too if possible

·         Abstain from drugs, alcohol and caffeine

·         Eat healthy foods and avoid sugar when possible

·         Take vitamins if your doctor says it’s ok

·         Pray, mediate and practice mindfulness

·         Learn breathing techniques for when an attack happens

·         Take walks and have physical activity

·         Remember you are fine and you will get through this

·         Watch peaceful programming or play games, one I really loved was Solitaire

·         Apps like MindShift really helped me, also Fitbits that monitor your heart can help you see when you are calming down

It does get better. Trauma and panic are like a ringing bell. The bell chimes for a long time but it eventually falls silent.

[Former-Member]

It’s good that you sound like you got through it. Just think trauma & panic never really falls silent. It stays with you forever @harpy33

[BandS338]

Thank you so much for your post.  I experienced the exact same symptoms and the impending door, fear, and mental foggyness/ detachment were the worse.  I have had them in the past a few times but they kicked in real hard December 2017, about 1.5 months after an injury to the back of my head.  It has been a hard road since then but I feel I have been on an upswing from learning that I am gonna be okay.  The intense sensations i would feel would cause me to think "this is the worse one, this is the one thats gonna get me."   But i realized I am still here and there have been good/normal days in between the episodes.  I only went to a GP and a neurologist.  I am on welbutrin, for depression, which supposedly can make anxiety worse but here I am.  I have not went to a physch yet because it is so expensive.  I am leaving my job as a police officer due because the crazy schedule and stressful situations probably don't help my problems lol.  My new job will have better health care and maybe then I will see a mental health doctor. 

[harpy33]

it may stay with you but you dont have to let ruin your life.

[Former-Member]

Yeah @harpy33 it took over mine in every way. Just eventually things takes it toll. I get what you are saying though