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greenpea
Senior Contributor

how do I forgive my father the abuser

My father was my abuser for all of my life both physically and mentally. He was an alcoholic with demons of his own which he then forced onto his family. To put it mildly he was a cold fish. I have basically forgiven my father for putting us through hell most of our lives but was interested in hearing other peoples opinions on forgiveness. If I dont forgive I spiral down the toxic hole of blackness...... I must forgive to move on and live.

31 REPLIES 31

Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser

Hey @greenpea. I'm curious to hear more about you forgiving your father if you'd like to share. Was it something you had to consciously do? Was it things you said to yourself or conversations you had with him? How did you know you'd reached a place of forgiveness? (Only if you're OK to share of course).

I have a tricky relationship with a parent involving similar sounding stuff. They've faced their end for a while now (a couple of goodbyes we thought might be the last and the clock ticking from then). I don't know if I forgive them but I think I have come to understand what might have played in to their behaviour, the way they grew up and how it shaped them, the impact their behaviour had on me and my development etc. I don't know if that's forgiveness but it's maybe a kind of acceptance perhaps.

My ex is a different story. I don't hate many or much but I think I hate him or at the very least hate what he did to us. I can't see myself ever forgiving him and I don't think I even want to try. I sometimes spiral into that darkness but I don't think forgiveness is the way out of that for me. The anger and hurt (those words don't even come close) kind of motivate me (when they don't completely take over) and fuel my fight to keep going. Maybe I worry forgiveness will take that away or will make it feel like I am OK with what happened. These are some of the push/pull conversations (arguments) my psych and I have had a fair bit of :face_with_rolling_eyes:

So tricky greenpea!

Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser

@CheerBear  Hey CheerBear I had a great aunt who lived through  germany during the war and in a concentration camp. Anyway once I was talking with her through her broken English and she said she had forgiven them, the German people, because she felt she had too. I was young and didnt understand what she meant but now I do. It is like I have to forgive my father even though he was so, so toxic to our family and to himself. If I dont forgive I will end up being as awful as he was at his worst.

 

There were no conversations with him as he was unapproachable. Everyone danced around him making sure all his needs were met so that we could have a quiet life. It came from life experience I suppose me being able to forgive my father. I cannot forget but I can forgive although sometimes the lines get blurred and anger and frustration take over of which I have to take a deep breath and calm down again.

 

I am so sorry you have had similar circumstances with one of your parents. Home should be a safe place. Not one where you are constantly walking on egg shells. I am so sorry about your ex I made a real effort to get a polar opposite to my father. Then he left me 23 years later for a work colleague when I was mentally ill .... go figure. peaxxx

Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser

Thanks so much for sharing @greenpea. Lots to think about and ponder. I'm sorry you've been through what you have ❤

Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser

Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser

Hi @greenpea @CheerBear 

I'm sorry you both were abused. hugs. I really like to know how to forgive the abusers. Out of my three abusers I am struggling to forgive my brother. It's really hard to know where to start. 

Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser

I'm not religious @greenpea, my friends that are, believe their faith has saved them and keeps them alive.

 

But for me, the emotions of disgust, repulsion and appropriate anger, along with also having a clinical psychologist and a wonderful shrink (he is religious himself) that has told me he's actions are unforgivable & they will NEVER expect me or even talk to me about forgiveness, ever......has kept my sense of dignity and self respect alive.

 

For me, they're not emotions that need getting rid of. They remind me that what he did was unforgivable and no, I am not completely worthless. 

 

I'm not giving him the tiny bit of self respect I have left.

 

He tried to take everything else, and he won, but he won't win by taking my core or my dignity. 

 

I understand how too much anger can increase your depression, and it most definitely can, and if forgiveness feels right for you inside and it evens out your health, that's great.

 

But for me it does the opposite. It feels icky and just plain wrong, right into the middle of my gut.

 

Just a different perspective I suppose.

 

The mermaids would be getting washed off the rocks today wouldn't they!

 

Corny Heart

Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser

Interesting thread @greenpea I'm sorry for what you went through. Same for everyone sharing this sort of experience.

There are so many shades of grey here. I feel that it's not a simple path to closure/feeling ok.

I liked your example of finding some level of acceptance @CheerBear 

That's sort of where I sit with two people. I don't think I can do any better/different to that and there are times that I also feel like you said @Corny - the deep yuck in the gut - about what they put me, and in one case, my kids through.

Hello @BlueBay hope you are travelling ok.

 

Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser

@greenpea   You’re a very strong

person to be able to forgive.  I can’t see myself ever being able to do that, just the thought makes me feel angry.

 

One of the group that assaulted me when I was 8 is a good friend to my oldest brother.  I just recently found out that his marriage fell apart a few years ago, his wife and kids have moved on and he has been left a recluse suffering terrible depression - and I LOVE every part of that story - especially how much he is suffering.

 

Other members of that group I have discovered over the last few years have also had less than perfect lives, one only got married a few years ago and it’s likely they’ll never have children - thank god.  And it makes me happy that the rest of the group haven’t led happy lives themselves.

 

My abuser at 10 also has a failed marriage and suffers from depression - no sympathy at all and I hope he suffers all the way to his grave.

 

The worst of my abusers, I’m not sure what his life was like when he left town and it all finally ended with me.  I fantasise that his final years were  painful, slow - agonising.  All I know is that he died about 4 or 5 years later.  There is no forgiveness in my heart for any of them.

 

I once heard forgiveness isn’t for the perpetrators, it’s for yourself, but I can’t see any good in it for me to forgive them.

Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser

@Razzle  Hey Razzle sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you we had a black out which lasted most of the day and night. I am so sorry you have gone through so much pain. I can feel it through your words. You are right with your last sentence I am forgiving for myself because I am sick of feeling hatred. It doesnt bode well on the peas shoulders or heart. It actually makes me feel feel physically sick to be honest. Every one is different however and it has to come from the heart, forgiveness, and I learnt that from my great aunt. Take care. Love peaxxx

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