Lived Experience Forum

[Serenity1]

I had an appointment today w a support person from the same agency where the other support person I had - was ANYTHING but SUPPORTIVE!! Infact I believe she was sabotaging me every step of the way, as well as being very aggressive towards me. 

I had such bad anxiety & agoraphobia that I txt this new lady from the car park explaining I couldn't stop crying & was having sensory overload-(there was lots of tradies working)--& I was not Sure if I was able to make it to her office- I was in a very bad head space- when I finally got the courage to push through all of that & make it to her office- she was not gentle, compassionate or caring in any way , shape or form- she was VERY HARSH & had a smirk on her face the entire time- she immediately stated that I didn't engage with the other worker in an angry way & I am thinking to myself this woman is treating me EXACTLY THE SAME as the other worker- she appears to have no understanding or compassion that I have such bad agoraphobia & anxiety that is why I "did not engage "  Because I literally could not!! I just told her I almost couldn't make it out my car literally then!?- I felt she was attacking me & I DID NOT FEEL SAFE in her presence- I felt she already thought badly of me & had a preconceived bad impression of me, due to the other support worker- who was passive aggressive bully & sabotaged me- I am so upset & distraught-

This lady angrily told me she does not accompany people on appointments but she will go to my legal one on Friday but won't go to any others- I told her I didn't ask for her to go the supervisor suggested it - I didn't even know it was an option. This lady asked me a VERY INNAPROPRIATE question-& I said "do I have to answer that?"- She said "no"- this left me feeling so unsafe & scared of her intentions-

I rang the supervisor ( think that's who it is) & wanted to tell her- but she immediately told me I was to call the support worker I had- I felt like she was pissed off at me- now she is ringing me back tomorrow- my question is- do I share my thoughts & feelings about this new worker & risk them thinking it is ME who is the problem? Or do I put up with feeling UNSAFE & having another support worker who is harsh & lacking compassion when I am feeling my MOST VULNERABLE AND RAW? That is not healthy for my state of mind at the moment AT ALL!! --- BUT I need this company apparently to be eligible for an access house- I feel so stuck - I just want to run away into the sunset & never return!-

on top of that I was so distraught I had to CANCEL the appointment with the principal-& now I feel he is PISSED off at me , as well as the school PASTOR is pissed off at me- because I told her In the morning I was NOT in a good headspace to meet with the principal today & she practically would not take NO for an answer -saying She would go also- I knew I was not going to be able to do it- then after this incident I HAD to cancel I was SO distressed & really in a bad way- now she is definitely pissed off with me- neither replied to my email/txt- I literally HATE everything about my life right now- I feel whatever I do I piss people off & everything I do is wrong & just don't want to be in it- I am falling apart & have nobody I can trust- I am completely alone 

[Eden1919]

@Serenity1  hello i am sorry you have had such a bad day and are feeling so bad. it is difficult because i often think people are really mad at me and hate me but most of the time that is just me being anxious and self consious. i am NOT saying that is the case with the particular people you have been dealing with i am mearly suggestions that the super intense concern over if you made people upset or not could be anxiety driven. as in regardless of if they were angry or not most people without severe anxiety probably wouldnt worry about it as much. which again no blame on you but maybe if you can find a way to calm down and settle yourself you might feel as though it is more manegable and you can work on what you need to work on. 

as for the support worker i am not surprised she was not very nice sadly a lot of support agencies arent that good and often they deal with a range of people or mostly people who need things like help with mobility or physical disabilites which is completely different and requires a completely different approach to mental health needs. is there a different agency you can seek help from with this issue because maybe that angency isnt the best fit for you. if she makes you feel unsafe you dont have to go back unless it is something you cant not attend to. have you been able to find a different GP? also have you looked online to see about any support groups near you for anxiety? sorry if you have answered that already. 

[CheerBear]

Hey @Serenity1. Sorry to hear you had such a bad experience yesterday. Lots of things are sounding really hard and not going well for you at the moment 🙁

I empathise with how difficult it can be when you don't feel safe. It is extremely hard for me to function when I'm not feeling safe. I also struggle a lot when support workers don't seem to have an understanding of how my metal health stuff presents and how it impacts me.

You mentioned not knowing whether you should tell the supervisor your thoughts and feelings about the new worker or whether you should put up with those unsafe feelings. In my experience, it rarely goes well when I have tried to talk about my thoughts about a worker when I'm feeling lots of big feelings and when workers seem to be behaving very defensively (as it sounds these workers are). It also rarely goes well when I am stuck feeling unsafe.

Something that does seem to go OK for me is to have a think about the things that help me feel and be safe when I am working with someone, and communicate that to them. This happened only yesterday when I found myself very messed up and messed around with a worker. I wrote down some things that were not working well and changed them into what I needed instead. I took some deep breaths and tried to calm myself down before speaking with her, then slowly and carefully explained that I needed these things if we were to be able to work effectively with each other. And then I asked whether she could work with that. It's kind of thinking in solution rather than problem mode, and that seems to be received pretty well most of the time. It's not easy and in a way it isn't fair to have to be the one to come up with solutions, but it can really shift the direction of a conversation if you can manage it. You can use "solution mode" with lots of different interactions that might be tricky (like with the principal and pastor) too.

It can be really difficult to think about what might help when you're feeling so down and out, but identifying what isn't or hasn't worked then thinking about what might have helped instead, could be a starting point.

Hope it's OK to have made that suggestion. It is hard to feel and be so stuck and having ideas about how to unstick myself can help me.

I do really feel with you with what you're having to deal with at the moment. It's a super tough place to be.

Hope things go OK today ❤