17-12-2018 07:46 PM
I really try hard to face life positively, but it just isn’t working. I don’t feel physically well, though there is nothing specifically wrong with me. I have had long bouts of depression since my early twenties, and I am back there now for the last three years. The black dog has now been joined by severe anxiety and due to some very traumatic events that left me without mt career of 50 years I now have PTSD. This has only been recognised recently. I have no interest in friends or family. Have no money have had to move home and this been another trauma for me that I can’t seem to move past.
I live with my youngest son who is 35 and has his own mh ussues and can be very difficult.i constantly think about death as my only option. But I just want to be happy, not deleteriously so, just happy. I have no partner and still grieve for my husband who died many years ago.
I can find nothing enriching in life
That is enough for now. Peri
17-12-2018 07:58 PM
HI Peri, I am sorry to read that things seem so difficult for you at the moment and am glad that you have found the strength to seek connection with others here on the forum. I am going to check in with you by email as I am concerned that you are feeling so hopeless there this evening.
17-12-2018 08:43 PM
@Peri, I checked back and found your new thread. Well done for posting. I am so very sorry you are feeling so low. Can I ask if it was a surprise to you to be diagnosed with PTSD? I am just interested I guess. When I was first diagnosed a few years ago now, I had no idea. I thought it was only military and rescue workers who got it, not ordinary people like us. I realise now that it was a common misconception, which is now quickly becoming better understood. So after years of trying to hide the effects of it, and having no idea why I felt as I did, I finally had a reason for why I'd been feeling as I had for so many years. For me, the diagnosis came as a relief. I'm curious as to whether you did too, especially as it is only a recent diagnosis for you. Was it a GP, Clinical Psych or a Psychiatrist who diagnosed you? Only if you're happy to answer Peri.
The thing with the loss of a loved one, beit a long term husband or any much loved relative, the grief never fully goes away. It does diminish and the pain gradually allows happy memories to replace the intense sadness of their loss. But when we are low for whatever reason, that pain always seems to come back in force.
That must be difficult for you to share a home with your 35 year old son. Am I to understand that he is not married?
Gosh Peri, I dont feel I am the right person to talk to you about the suicidal thoughts. I currently have those myself. So I will leave those for others here who are better qualified. I am happy to see that one of the moderators are attempting to talk to you. They are all trained MH workers here and will help you. Please give them the chance to assist.
One final point Peri. I see what is happening elsewhere. Unless you have no issues with being removed from that particular support base, I would urge you to resist. What you say about them not permitting any difference of opinion is right. They do not allow any discussion or alternative views. It is an unrealistic enviroment. One I have been trying to change for some time, but have again failed. If you continue, that particular account will be closed. Can I ask if you may have also had a different account closed in relation to a particular survey? I might add that there are eyes here from that same organisation. Please be careful.
17-12-2018 10:12 PM
I'm glad you're okay @Peri. Please stay safe. I have put your thread as one of my subscribed threads, and will therefore get an email notification whenever there is a new post here, even if you dont 'tag' me. I hope you get some restful sleep tonight. I will be here to talk if you need to.
17-12-2018 11:17 PM
I am finding it very hard to find my way to work this site
17-12-2018 11:44 PM
I just caught your thread before retiring for the night.
When you log in, go to the 'Bell' symbol at the top next to your username and avatar. There, you'll find reminders of who's supported your posts or have replied.
If you click on the names of threads while you're there, it'll take you to that point, so you can take it from there.
Getting onto the 'Lived Experience' forum, you just click on the large words top of page, then scan down to find 'Recent posts', 'Unread posts' and so on. If you're in doubt about where you are, always head to the bell above and work your way back. It'll become easy with practice. I wish you luck; hope I've helped.
In regards to being happy? There's too much emphasis on it. I prefer to find peaceful moments. They're far more enjoyable and don't have the pressure associated to conform.
My first time I cried as it'd been yrs since my mind had quietened. I used mindfulness, deep breathing and beautiful memories of my nan. Total bliss, even though it only lasted a few min's before anxiety returned. It was the harbingers of more moments to come.
Every now and then, something you do 'works'. It's those times we hang onto for survival. One day, one moment at a time. Anymore than this has too much pressure and triggers linked. While you're ill, the future isn't important ok.
Hope I've helped hun.
Take care and sleep well...
18-12-2018 03:15 PM
Hope you work out your way of using the site. It came to me gradually over time, as I was fairly new to the internet when I joined the forum.
I think there is too much pressure to be positive in some circles.
Being "positive" is not always appropriate.
As I was leaving a christmas party last week, I mentioned with feeling, that I was surprised I actually enjoyed myself. One lady walking with me picked it up and we all laughed together. There is a real difference in feeling pleasure and positive feelings/affect/ or whatever they want to call it, when good things happen.
If we are working at being happy , then we are actually WORKING.
18-12-2018 11:53 PM
Hi @Peri. Just wondering how you're doing today. I know you have been quite distraught of late. I have a question to ask you. Its concerning your youngest son who lives with you. You mentioned that he has some MH issues and can be very difficult. Is he receiving any professional care for his MH? Am I correct in thinking that you are likely his official or unofficial carer? I am wondering if perhaps you could get some respite or other carer assistance. It may enable you to do more to find something enriching in your life. You are still young, at 67. There must be things you can do in your area, even perhaps a book club or knitting club. I note on the introduction thread that your hobbies were reading and knitting. It sounds as though you like to travel as well. If it were not for your son, would you be interested in travelling? I realise it may be a daunting prospect if you are used to travelling with your husband, and also that a lack of available funds may not allow it. But it could be an option for you. Or maybe you have friends interstate or some distance away, and it would allow you to visit them. A more cost effective option.
Just a thought Peri.
19-12-2018 12:22 AM
thanks for the thoughtful reply. My son does not need caring for in that sense, but is not independent and has lots going on in his life that is very difficult. I have always gone the extra mile for him and probably facilitated his dependence on me. He suffers sever anxiety. It is complex and I have never been able to detach and make home stand on his own . My eldest son lives overseas in the Uk with his wife and two children and I miss him greatly.
i have never been very good at joining groups and gots most of my interaction via my work. But when all that came to a very abrupt end I was bereft and that and how it happened led to my PTSD.
I have withdrawn from from friends and family and am now fairly isolated. This has been my own doing but I feel locked into this situation now.
I get very tired physically and just want to sleep and stay in bed. I don’t, I get up and do stuff.
I am not daunted by travelling on my own , but currently don’t have the resources.
I am so scared of having to live like this for the rest of my life. My husband died a long time ago, but I miss him.
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