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Powderfinger
Senior Contributor

Speaking out loud

This is not going to be a structured post. It might flip about because it's about talking out loud. Tomorrow afternoon I have my first lawyers appointment since everything happened. Court case is on the 5 November. On the 6 August the relationship ended. Now it's October. It feels too long. 

 

Grief and really deep anger have been two of my main emotions in the last two weeks. I think I've gotten better at understanding I wasn't loved. A little better but not alot. It's really really hard to consolidate the very few times they were loving and kind to the times when they were downright cruel, hurtful and abusive towards you. 

 

It's a terrible emotionally manipulative cruelty. It's hard to remember a time that they seemed loving and kind but then they were also viciously cruel and abusive. I'm slowly starting to not look so much at the kindness. It's getting a bit easier now because I am understanding narcissism more. All that I have learnt about it these last couple of months is like pieces of a puzzle making sense. I can name the narcissistic traits now with certain instances of abuse. 

 

Of course you do not know you are with a narcissist when you are in it. Few victims do. It's normal to only five out after leaving a relationship. Trust me on this one, normal endings to a relationship are painful for most people, this isn't a normal ending to a relatively normal relationship. The way you feel after you have left is something that knocks you harder than you could ever think possible. 

 

I was suicidal I think for around 8 weeks roughly. It's a long time to be feeling like that 24/7. I am so very very lucky that my only friend basically dropped her life for me and was there for me. I'm still and more than likely always will be at the kindnessz love and generosity of my friend. She stayed with me the entire time, cooked for me so I would eat, listened time when I was rambling or talking, took me out if I needed to go do things, held me when I cried and so much more. Truly if it wasn't for her, I don't think I'd be here today. If I could give medals out, I'd give her one. A simple thank you just doesn't seem to be enough. 

 

My friend has my loyalty and heart forever. If the shoes was ever on the other foot, I'd be there for her. No questions asked. 

 

I'm finding that I'm still confused a lot. I know I do not want to see her face. Ever. But especially not now. I do not want to hear her voice or be in the same space as her. It would be too hard in me, traumatic and I would go back downhill fast. I've asked permission to appear via audio for the final hearing. I just don't want to be near her at all, let alone the same courtroom. 

 

I'm also finding that I can't stand going out anymore. I feel like I cannot relax. I have her licence plate memorised. The issue is that her car is such a popular one and so many people that live in thus small town have the same or a very similar car. So, imagine going out even just for a short time and seeing about 20 cars of the same make and color or similar. I look at the licence plate everytime. Also worried it is her. It's extremely exhausting and doesn't make me feel relaxed when out. I'm mostly always nervous and on edge. 

 

Then there is the anger. I've been so angry that in my sessions I've said some pretty full on things. 

I'm also just tired of the games. I just want this to stop now. I've had enough. I am not in the mood for anymore abuse, drama, games nor having my mind messed with. 

 

I feel such a deep sense of sadness. I hate it. It's like I want to grab it and rip it out of me so it's gone. I don't want it there. I don't know how to not focus on iit all so that I can move on. 

 

I also don't like living here. I havn't for a long time though, even before this relationship. It's getting worse, my feelings about it. I just feel like my soul is dying here and it feels so empty inside of myself some days. 

 

I struggle immensely to know what to do. My memory has declined. There is just so much and I'm struggling. My head spins and I'm wanting/need to 

slow it down to starting small. I don't know where small is because I don't even know who I am anymore. It has really all changed me alot. 

23 REPLIES 23

Re: Speaking out loud

I'm hearing you and feel for you @Powderfinger 

I want to wish you the very best for court tomorrow. 
Big hugs. Remember to breathe. Take deep slow breaths. 
sounds like you have a special friend that cares about you. She deserves an award. 
Take cate and good luck xxxooo

Re: Speaking out loud

sometimes saying things out loud can really helpHeart

Re: Speaking out loud

@BlueBay 

 

Thank you. It is not court today. It's still a few weeks away. I am seeing the lawyer this afternoon though. It's not going to be an easy appointment but it's going to give me the answers I need. 

 

I was up till midnight last night going through her affidavit and collecting my evidence to show that she is lying. It was really hard. I still have a bit more to do today before the lawyer this afternoon. 

 

Thanks for thinking of me. 

Re: Speaking out loud

@LostAngel 

 

Agreed. 

Re: Speaking out loud

That's right I did read that - your lawyer appt.  Sorry I got it wrong!!

Anyway glad you got some paperwork ready last night, you must be exhausted.  Take care and all the best for today @Powderfinger xxx

Re: Speaking out loud

Hi @Powderfinger 

I am going through the same thing and I understand what you are going through.  I know how hard it is.  Wishing you all the best.

 

Re: Speaking out loud

@BlueBay 

 

It's alright. I am exhausted. I don't want to read the lies anymore and gather the evidence. I'm disgusted and angry all over again. I want to scream. I want someone to understand how this gets bad for me. This just opens do much up for me. It's lonely and hard. 

 

Thank you for thinking of me though. 

Re: Speaking out loud

I hear you @Powderfinger. Having to go over the details of a traumatic or triggering situation is so awful- it can bring it all back up again when all you want to do is leave it behind. I hope you're taking good care of yourself through this. Please know also that I, along with many others, are here and riding with you. Wishing you whatever strength and courage you may need to get through. ❤️

Re: Speaking out loud

You've got so much on your plate @Powderfinger .

 

I didn't know what NPD and Anti-social personality disorder and sociopathy was until I started therapy and met Psychiatrists, told my story and was educated about it. I think a lot of Psychiatrists would be reluctant to give out the diagnosis and would more likely give BPD to a women. 

 

Go easy on yourself, sexual attraction is a strong force and we lose our common sense when we fall for someone. You're also in that age bracket where there is a lot of social pressure to have 'found a partner by now'. But as you've found out you can be more lonely in a relationship than on your own.

 

Women like your ex that lie about DV make it so much harder for real victims, it makes me so angry to know this goes on. If she can lie about DV her whole life is a lie, it wouldn't be a surprise if she has lied about other types of abuse like sexual etc or having cancer or a MI, but she's pretty dumb because every time she lies she reveals her true mental health pathology. They are not bright.

 

So glad you have a best bud. I am a quality not quantity type of person too. When someone dies or you go through a personal crisis like you are right now, our address book changes. Sad, but true. 

 

Maybe a move is on the cards.....it takes time to settle somewhere new but it can be really worth it. I find people are friendlier in Sydney, less clicks, more diversity, and lots of single people, or people starting out. People just talk to you cos a lot of us are in the same boat. Corny 

 

 

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