25-06-2019 04:28 PM
I noticed you may have felt cut off on other threads so looked for a thread you had started. @Razzle I dont know why your son has made that decision ... maybe he felt he would never win the fight to give her a home away from her family....but I also instinctively knew that many middleclass people i have met, cushy with their homes were setting up their futures to act in that way .... it is a thing many people do ... it is not just to you or your grandchild .... Dont make the story of your grandchild into a whip for yourself ...motherguilt is something we all struggle with ... it can never be perfect ... and was never meant to be ... coddle yourself and swaddle your eyes with teabags or whatever helps ....find the streak in yourself that survives it all ...be kind to yourself .... get the services in for your mum so you have less running around to do ... this world would not be here if it werent for mothers .... poor vulnerable flawed individual and unique mothers.
Human Being are story makers ... even the latin name for us implies that concept.
Motherhood is an impossible role ... except for those who have had luck .... or the mojo ... to protect their image as mothers ....I have heard lots of stories about grandmothers helping later on ... I know I have to accept that timing ...
26-06-2019 11:07 PM
I’m kind of in auto pilot at the moment, just one foot in front of the other. The world is a very dark place at the moment. My son texted me this morning, he wanted my opinion on something and I couldn’t give it. I told him it didn’t matter anymore what I said, he has rejected every offer of help we’ve given him and I don’t know what to say anymore. I got a nasty message back which both shocked me and destroyed me a little more. I pondered it for a while then realised it wasn’t actually my son sending the message, I’m pretty sure it’s his partner on his phone. The style of writing is all wrong, my son uses the least amount of words possible and never uses emoji’s - the message definately wasn’t from him, it almost read like a novel. The message even ended the same way his partner ends her messages to me whenever she’s losing the argument.
In the end I texted that I was sure I wasn’t actually speaking to my son so I was going to end the conversation, all of a sudden the messages became sickly sweet. I’m sure if I spoke to my son on the phone he wouldn’t even know he had had this conversation with me.
I spent most of the day at the hospital with mum, she has improved a lot since Monday when she was admitted. I have so much to do in the next few days, I have to find a care team now that she’s qualified for an aged care package, I need to get Safety Link installed, physio wants to do at home assessments, OT need to do an assessment, plus a host of other assessments regarding her dementia. I also have to get home help and possibly Meals on Wheels. It all feels overwhelming and I’m not sure where to start. The hospital is talking about sending her home tomorrow or Friday and I just feel like I can’t get everything ready by then.
CT scan showed a fracture in her pelvis (only small) and it has started to mend, so she has had a fall while in QLD at my brothers (which she can’t remember) and arthritis in her spine and another small fracture in a vertebra which is causing the sciatic pain. But, she can get up out of a chair and walk again, albeit a little wobbly but better than it was.
There’s too much going on. I only have to think about my son and I burst into tears. I think about my mum and feel like I’ve let her down too - I asked for an X-ray 3 weeks ago, I should have demanded it, I could have saved her 3 weeks of pain, humiliation and deterioration. I’m so pissed off with everything at the moment, I don’t even know what I want.
26-06-2019 11:20 PM
I am glad your mother is improving a little. You did what you could. Maybe demanding xray earlier would not really changed that much. WIth so much going on and all the assessments its enough that you are involved and supporting those who need and can accept it.
26-06-2019 11:36 PM
@Appleblossom I’m not so sure. I don’t like her Dr, he’s just a pill pusher. He didn’t even examine her when I took her to him 3 weeks ago. The physio today explained the pain she’s been in has gone a long way toward her not being able to walk. Now that they have been controlling her pain she has been able to start walking again. I’ve been screaming out for services to help for almost 2 years now, and I keep getting blocked every time. She has no short term memory at all, long term memory is pretty patchy - but because she can go down the street and find her way home they won’t classify her as having dementia - even though it is clear as crystal that she has it. It’s only now that she’s in hospital and I was questioned wether I thought she had dementia that I had a meltdown and told the nurse what has been happening and how I haven’t been getting any help. The nurses have been ringing around and getting some of the services in place because they’re not as brain dead as the dr and actually care about my mums welfare. Once everything is set up life will be so much easier for her, but it’s been a battle and shouldn’t have taken this long. It’s so frustrating.
27-06-2019 12:53 PM
I had a very emotional phone call with
my son this morning, I was so upset and couldn’t stop crying. He had texted to say he and his partner were coming home to pick up their stuff they had left behind earlier this week but they weren’t bringing the baby with them. I called him to find out what was really going on, and before it turned nasty I hung up on him. Then I had a massive argument with my husband. I have been begging him for months to open his eyes to what the other grandmother is really like, and all he has ever done is defend her. We should have been working together to help our son and the baby and instead he has kept blind to it all. I said our son was a coward for not standing up to that horrible family, and that I now know where he gets
it from. My husband is the biggest
coward of all. I stormed out and haven’t been home since.
Im at the hospital with mum working through all these jobs I have to get done before she goes home, which may not be for another couple of days now.
I just got a message from my husband to say my son and partner have just arrived, without the baby. I’m gutted that they would do this. OT are taking
mum home for about an hour around 1.30 to see what she needs in the house to help her, and they have asked that I be there. I’m pretty sure my son will pack everything in a hurry and take off again before I get a chance to get home. He isn’t my son anymore, I don’t know who he is anymore.
27-06-2019 03:54 PM
Hearing you are in a terribly distressing situation and wishing you strength, calm and wisdom to navigate your situation. Nothing I can say will change things. Take Care
01-07-2019 01:37 PM - edited 01-07-2019 01:51 PM
Hey @Razzle I thought of you a few times over the weekend. How are you today?
Im so sorry that last week was so hard and painful. I’m so hoping there is a little more light in this one.
I just wanted to add I have 4 sons from 19 -24. They have had times that have been so really difficult for me. I’m not writing this to say the things I have experienced are the same as you at at all but to acknowledge that my boys have tested me out in lots of ways since they have been adults. For me it’s been important to try to stand back and not let those tricky things get in the way of my relationship. Some of my feeling were of huge shame in how could my child do or think that was ok. One was in relation to a run in with the law, another a really really inappropriate tattoo that I was so infuriated by. For me I’ve learned the hard way not to be defined by my kids actions or choices. I’ve also learned that those actions don’t define our relationship. They weren’t actions to deliberately hurt me even if they did. I know you are still in the middle of huge anger and pain at this situation but I’m hoping that you’ll see that this doesn’t have to define your relationship with your son.
Without disclosing something thats not mine to disclose others have had really difficult situations with their young adults. We all move past them eventually once the pain (and for me shame) has passed.
I hope this helps and is not too preachy. I just wanted to share my experiences in the hope that you might connect with some of it in a small way.
01-07-2019 04:11 PM
@Teej @Appleblossom Not much has changed in relation to my son and grandchild, except maybe that he’s pretty much cut all communication with me. I can’t do anything more there, I’ve offered plenty of help but he won’t accept it.
Mums not making much progress in hospital at the moment either. The nursing staff are convinced it’s a cognitive thing (which I voiced a week ago) while the dr is just saying it’s sciatic nerve. I cracked the shits this morning and demanded a head CT. Initially he refused so I demanded a bit more sternly, in the end he decided to order one basically to shut me up. I had to drive her myself 70kms to the next biggest town this afternoon but at least it’s done now. The staff here are lovely but the dr is a total waste of time, even the staff don’t like him, or the way he’s treating my mother. Once the results are back I will start looking for a new Dr. This guy has wasted out time for too long now.
I haven’t spoken to my husband in days, I barely acknowledge his existence. I’ve given him plenty of chances, particularly these last 2 years and he’ll never change. I haven’t looked to him for support at all through this particularly difficult time because I know I won’t get it, so why bother.
I see my councillor tomorrow in his home town, so a 540km round trip - not particularly looking forward to the drive, but I guess it gives me a break from the hospital here.
I have cried myself to sleep every night for the last week and during the day when I find a quiet spot to be on my own for a few minutes. I feel like I’m on auto pilot most of the time,
although the long list of services I needed to get organised are now ready to go so that has taken the pressure off.
Deep breaths Razzle, deep breaths ...
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