Lived Experience Forum

[LostMummaSloth]

I don't have many words or not ones that make much sense anyway because everything is a mess and I've ruined everything and I can't stop self harming or thinking of ways to end my life and I'm just over it. I'm so exhausted and I don't want to be here anymore. I just wish it would all stop. I'm really sorry for coming on here I only came because I have no one and I miss my friends from another forum and I tried to do the right thing by them by leaving and not coming on here so they wouldn't have to deal with me anymore but I feel so alone and like they were the only people who ever listened and understood me or at least tried and I went on there today for the first time since I left and I just miss everyone so much and feeling like I belonged somewhere and I feel so goddam alone and I hate myself so much and I miss the staff and I just ugh. I have lost everyone and its all my fault. I tried to reach out for help last week but I can't see my psych anymore because she's changed roles and I've ruined everything and I just want to talk to her but she can't and I don't know what to do and they want me in hospital and to start medication but I am so scared of both of those things and I don't want to but I also can't stop thinking of ending things and doing stuff I don't remember and I used to be able to somewhat control this and now I feel like it's controlling me and I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is making sense and one minute I know I should be in hospital and the next I feel like it's all in my head and none of this is real and I'm fine. I don't know what's happening and I just want it to stop!!! I feel so dead inside and the idea of dying doesn't scare me anymore. I just feel so numb to everything and honestly the only thing that scares me is it not working. I'm safe. I just want to try and talk to someone who might be able to relate and not just tell me I need to be on medication and in hospital. I don't know. I'm hoping there's someone out there?

[Eden1919]

@LostMummaSloth  i am sorry you are going through all of that it must be very difficult not knowing what to do to improve things. I can understand being scared of medications and hospitals they are big and scary things but i guess sometimes we can need them/need to be there for safety reasons. sometimes hospital can act as like a circut breaker and just reset things a little but anyway it is up to you of course but if you have any general questions about hospital that you think might help you make a decision i am happy to answer if i can. as for meds i can really relate to being scared of them and it can be so hard to accept that we need help more than we thought we did. do you think it is possible to go to a different psych if the old one has changed roles? that could be a start? 

[Sleepy_Catcoon]

Hey @LostMummaSloth, I'm sorry you've been having such a shitty time 😞 You don't have to apologise for coming on here at all! Your old forum friends sound pretty cool and not like they would want you to stop reaching out. I'd guess they would be really happy to see you and that they had missed you too.

I hope it's okay to say this but I'm really proud of you for reaching out to your psych! Reaching out for help can be such a scary thing to do especially when we don't have anyone else. It sucks your psych isn't around anymore 😞 ugh the timing of stuff can be brutal sometimes, hey?

I'm sorry your thoughts have been so intense 😞 And forgetting stuff sounds so scary

Medication and hospital can be really scary and it's up to you if it's something you want to try. I think @Eden1919 is right that it can be a circuit breaker sometimes but I also don't blame you for not wanting to go

I can relate a bit to the thoughts- they can be so strong and exhausting and just make everything numb. It can be so painful when the only thing stopping us is the thought that it won't work. Things sound really serious and intense so I'm really glad you have reached out on here ❤️ I'm glad you're still around and safe and I'm sorry stuff is so hard. Is there anything we can do to help? We're here to listen

Sending you sloth hugs (seeing as that's your username, no other reason... Sorry I'm very strange haha)

[cloudcore]

Hi @LostMummaSloth ,

I can see how overwhelming everything was for you last night, and I'm so sorry to hear how alone you were feeling through it all. I can understand how hard it is to need support and not want to be a burden to others, and also keep everything inside out of hear of hospitalisation, it's something I've struggled with in the past too. I hope you were able to keep yourself safe, so that you could see here today that you are not alone.

I'll be sending you an email to check in on you and see how you a managing. I hope to hear from you 

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The SANE Forums are a peer-to-peer support community, and we are unable to offer immediate one-to-one professional support. If anyone requires urgent one-to-one professional support, please contact Lifeline 13 11 14 or the Suicide Callback Service on 1300 659 467. If anyone is at immediate risk of harm, please contact emergency services on 000.