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Mother Seeking Advice

Hi, This is the first time I have attempted to use a forum because I feel very concerned that anything I say might cause certain people who I need to conceal things from will  recognised who I am or who I'm talking about. I feel very worried about it but I have to take the chance and reach out this way because I don't know where else to go.

I am a mother of a beautiful daughter who has mental issues. When I first found out anything was wrong with her  was when I myself had just finished dealing with post traumatic stress from an incestual childhood. 

When I found out there was a problem, I was shocked an horrified since she was harming herself. I didn't know what to do or where to go for information to help her. I was too devastated to think properly.

The first thing I was told was that I have lost her. I couldn't believe it. This was another wave of devastation to me but then when I tried to asked questions and gain some sort of understanding I was told that my daughter's information was not available to me.

In spite of my feeling sick all the time at the thought of what had happened to her, I had to find someone to help. I felt desperate to help her, so I went to the local hospital and enquired as to whether my daughter had been there to seek help. At the same time I wanted to find someone to talk to for myself as well since I thought I was going crazy. But I was unsuccessful in gaining any information or help either for my daughter or myself. I was told that my daughter was not my business and that they could'nt help me either , I would  have to get help somewhere else. This made me feel blind angry, frustrated and hopelessly helpless.I began to see my daughter in a series of nightmares but these also occurred during the day time as well as in my sleep at night.

My daughter has never lied to me, but  also has never discussed what happened to make her feel the way  she does. I have never pushed to find out what happened either because I have always wanted her to come and talk  to me of her own free will as she used to do.

All the above happened some time ago and I thought all was getting better, until recently when she attempted to self harm again. She dosen't want me to know anything about what is happening to her now. I feel she holds me responsible but I don't know what for. I still don't know the initial problem. Many of her friends and even her siblings have told me different things and implied many things but in the end, it seems she has sworn them all to secrecy. If anyone has any idea of where I can go from here could you please advise me.

 

 

52 REPLIES 52
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Mother Seeking Advice

Hi Misunderstood

I'm Mysticmountain, one of the forum moderators. Firstly welcome to the forums. 

It sounds like you have been going through a rough time in manageing and supporting your daughter through difficult times while also caring for your own mental health. I see from your post that coming to the forums was a concern for you - it takes strengh to put yourself out there and reach out for support. 

There is a wealth and knowledge and expereinces shared by the members of this forum to provide support, advice and guidence.  

Thank you for your post and thank you for reaching out

 

Re: Mother Seeking Advice

I have just sought help through my workplace, only to be told that their counselors are booked out until late Jan.

So many times I have tried to get help to cope with the problems I have already talked about. I feel frustrated and confused as to where to go next. Even Now after so long I get knock back after knock back at every turn. I cant get to see anyone right now or any time in the near future so I guess I will just have to suck it up and let what ever happens, happen untill the next time I feel as confussed, and ask for help again.

Re: Mother Seeking Advice

Hi @misunderstood

Just to get some clarity and help the community give you some advice and support, how old if your daughter?

 

Thanks,

Nik

Re: Mother Seeking Advice

my daughter is now married and in her late twenies. so you could say that her condition is now none of my business which I do understand. but I guess I get hungup anytime something happens because, if I'm truthful with myself I can't cope with the rejections. that being said, my instinct is to back off and let everything die a natural death inside and pray everything comes good again since I can't seem to find what I'm looking for. 

Re: Mother Seeking Advice

Hi @misunderstood,

Welcome to the Forums - good on you for reaching out to a peer support network despite your worries. I hope you find it a supportive and helpful place to connect Smiley Happy

Wow, I imagine it would be so distressing that your daughter is experiencing poor mental health and self-harm, especially shortly after facing your own challenges.

It sounds like the help-seeking process has been frustrating for you, as has not having access to the information that your daughter's treating professionals, siblings and friends seem to have.

Even though your daughter is in her 20s, it is natural that you are feeling concerned for her!

I know there are other people on the Forums who have children struggling with mental illness. Perhaps some of them have thoughts to share with you - @Former-Member, @Janna@patientpatient, @Former-Member or anyone else, do you have any ideas for @misunderstood?

Take care,

Shimmer

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Mother Seeking Advice

hello @Shimmer

You sound very weary and drained. You have tried so hard to understand what has happened and why to your daughter. Your flesh and blood. Your baby girl.

You mentioned that siblings and friends have told you different things. I am wondering how the conversations started or came about. I am also wondering what conversations have been going on with them and your daughter.

One thing that is so important with anyone suffering a mental illness is trust. You both need to feel trust and confidentiality with one another.

If you dont already see a psychologist or psychiatrist it would be best for you to speak to your doctor re your health and concerns of your daughter's health that you need help with. you do not have to tell your doctor everything or anything of a sensitive nature.

Carers Sa Australia are a very good organisation and they have a branch which assists carers of people suffering with mental illness. Dependent on your state the name of that organisation may differ. So they would be a very good organisation to contact. You can tell them of the urgency in being referred to an area who can offer help as soon as possible.

I personally have mental health issues and also have an adult son recently diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia of which he is in total denial. He does not live with me but as we are in contact and he often seeks my assistance or used to and financial help. I am considered a carer which trust me has taken me a long time to get my head around. i still struggle with the fact. The organisation helping me are all carers and some also with mental illness. there is such compassion and has been a tremendous help for me as my son has escaped the state and we do not know where he is. He has managed to fool the police when there were 2 missing reports filed.

Another company is NEAMI.

As I have been in such a complete mess and numb i dont remember which organisation is from where but i do know that both of the above were helpful when i telephoned them and they pointed me in the right direction.

the other thing i wonder about is what is your relationship like with your daughter's husband and how is he responding to all of this? is their an opportunity to sit down and discuss some of your concerns with him. it must be very hard for him also with your daughter's actions.

i am sure that all sorts of ideas are flying through your mind and you are trying so hard to determine what you have done wrong.

i think that your daughter is struggling with her own thoughts and is overwhelmed and just pushing you away because that is what children do to their mums. my son has done it to me now. i have given him a couple of weeks space and intend trying to contact him on monday. i am scared to death of what to say to him because everything is turned back against me. i will just try to get the words in that i love him and hope that he is safe.

please keep writing on here no matter how painful or how upset you are. write as much or as little as you want. this is a safe haven for you to vent, express and be heard and respected by others. all of us each with our own stories.

we want to hear from you again. you have joined our special safe space and are so very welcome.

dont forget to breathe. i have to keep reminding myself xx

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Mother Seeking Advice

oh dear it is late and I should be in bed I have sent this to the wrong person please redirect for me.
you would think that I could manage to get that right. not having the best of times but then so many of us in the same boat.

Re: Mother Seeking Advice

Hi and thank you for your thoughts. tonight, for the first time I have made some contact with someone on a chat line who could give me some infomation I can finnally work with. The first time I'v had some satifaction. Although very emotional at the moment I will stay on the forum and let you know what happens. Thank you for asking me to stay

You asked how a conversations like how I learned that everyone else knows about my daughter's problems but me. I asked them, but when ever I did I was always told that they couldn't tell me anything because They had promised her they wouldn't. They didn't want her to loose their trust in them... ironic isn't it...

As for my daughter's Husband. we have offered to be here for him butat this time he says he can manage,  so we simply hope he will come to us and talk one day till then, though we are floundering, hoping he has found his way. I will tell you that we have never prayed so much and feel that to this point , it has really been our only hope. Our prayers , I know are being answered. 

I really appreciate your thoughts especially since you seem to  be going though an even worse patch than myself. Would you like me to pray for you and your missing son as well? i hope you can make contact with him soon. It is so important to keep that contact even if its just a  toe in the door. I am looking forward to hearing how you go  on Monday when you hopefully make contact again.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Mother Seeking Advice

Hi @misunderstood

It was good to read that you received information that was of some help. I can relate to what @Former-Member said about adult children pushing us away when they are suffering MI episodes or distress. My daughter has done the same in the past and is very reluctant to speak to her parents about what is happening that is causing her to be distressed and self destructive. We wait until she is ready.

My daughter lives with us and is much younger than your daughter. Her problems started at around the age of 16 yrs of age when she left home so she could drink, have intimate relations etc; to do the things her peers were doing that we forbid at that age. She became mixed up in the wrong company. Whilst out of our care she smoked cannabis and was sexually assaulted. She had also been bullied at school. That is when she started to self harm, had extreme mood swings and became aggressive and violent.

Fast forward to 20 years old she has been diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. She came back home a year later after spending some time in a refuge and her MI was worse than ever. She has put us through hell and back. She started to improve but became involved with an abusive controlling man which ended in her despairing and attempting a serious suicide attempt; according to all the medical professionals she shouldn't be here.

She has now left the ex and did settle for awhile. But unbelievably she was assaulted again yesterday and has gone into lock down. She told me enough to know the latter and saids she has reported it to the police, but if we press for more information she goes off her tree and starts screaming abuse at us! Honestly, how much more can a family take. Our daughter makes poor decisions - because now she is single and can't seem to cope with this for even a week - she puts herself out there on social media to meet others. Hence the latest result. I advised against it in the past saying it was dangerous but it falls on deaf ears. Now my husband is distressed and I am alone in mine. Nothing new.

All we can do is be there for our loved ones. If they don't want us to know what is happening I would be inclined to accept this and just try and nurture a loving relationship without bringing up the topic. Then she may tell you when she feels comfortable to do. Just being there for them can help them tremendously.

Try not to feel rejected - all have their different ways and reasons for handling their situation the way they do. Your daughter may feel you wouldn't cope to well if you knew why - there could be many reasons. If we push it only makes matter worse. If I were you I wou,d be just letting her know that you love her and are there for her in any way to help - even if that is just going up to the shops for her or helping out practically.

I feel sad that this has inflicted our family causing so much grief, stress and heartache, but I remind myself that my daughter is the main concern here right now and push my own feelings aside. It's not about me at the moment.

To help myself to cope I keep life and activities as normal as possible trying not to dwell on the situation as that will bring me down. This can be really hard as she is under my roof and a constant reminder. But it's what I have to do to stop becoming very depressed myself. Talking about it to those I trust helps a bit, but they are usually at a loss to advise as the situation is so dire. So I try and do the above, keep going with my own life and be there for her as much as I can. I try and make change for the positive, but what I can't change I pray for the strength to carry. That's all I can do, and advise and guide my daughter at the right time. There is an art in this and I have to discern when she is in the right frame of mind for me to bring up her issues. Then the rest is up to the sufferer to help themselves and make wiser choices of how to cope with whatever is happening to their minds, in their lives and personal situation. 

Thats my situation with a loved one whom suffers MI under my roof and stress is extraordinary. When I have moments of peace and hope when improvement occurs - I take it with both hands and make the most of it. This helps restore balance and sanity. I hope you can draw something that helps from this. Sending warm hugs 🤗 

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