Lived Experience Forum

[Dreamatic]

So, my work recently announced that they are moving their office (currently located 5 minutes from my home) and dispersing employees between two new offices. One is 20 minutes from my home and the other is 45 minutes from my home in the CBD. 

I am seriously affected by spending too much time at the CBD. As part of my anxiety (and probable complex post traumatic stress from childhood abuse) I pick up on movement, noises, lights, speech so much that it is really difficult for me to spend successive days in the CBD. The additional travel time to and from the CBD would also affect me because my depression means that I really need to take care not to get too tired, because when I do I get suicidal thoughts, struggle with emotional regulation and have lots of difficulty communicating. I also get incredible anxiety when I'm tired (about losing my job/becoming homeless, the health of my husband, ruminating over social interactions that I've had with people and feeling humiliated by them)  I really struggled to explain this to them - and disclosed that I have depression and anxiety, and that one of the triggers is heavy traffic (which I think they took to mean that I don't visit or drive in the CBD at all, which isn't actually correct, I do but I can't sustain it for long periods of time without feeling completely mentally and physically drained from trying to hold myself together all day long.

I had to explain to my manager that I really needed to be located at the new office 20 minutes from my home, but I am usually so guarded about sharing anything to do with my mental health. I only disclosed that I struggle from severe depression and anxiety and that one of the triggers is heavy traffic and the CBD leaves me feeling drained.  I also work with helping people and I'm afraid that they will consider that my my mental health will show that I have no people skills (which I actually feel that I don't have, I feel really socially awkward but my husband reassures me that I am not). I feel like a fraud in my job and like by telling them about my mental illness I'm exposing that I cant take care of myself let alone help anyone else.  I'm afraid that they will think that I am weaker than other workers and that they will constantly look at me like I can't do my job. Also, that they think it is silly, I mean its got to be hard for someone to understand why I would struggle in the CBD. I'm also afraid that they will think that I am manipulating them, but I just 100% can not do this job in the city. 

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to face them, like they can see inside of me and all my worries, and I look pathetic and stupid and and vulnerable. I feel that they will see a scared teenage girl rather than a competent late twenties employee. 

Please can someone help me make sense of what I am feeling? I'm too embarrassed to share this with anyone in real life. How do I get past this?

[nigioc]

Hey @Dreamatic 

It can be really hard to ask for what you need in an environment that is not necessarily geared towards dealing wiith peoples emotional and psychological needs. It can also feel very exposing and leave you feeling very vulnerable, as you say, like they can see right into you.

Does it help to remember that this is actually you doing the right thing by you? If you hadn't told them you couldn't do the CBD office they might have sent you there without knowing the impacts it would have on you. Speaking up is the brave, mature and self possessed way you care for yourself. It's something to be proud of.

Sometimes when I'm stuck in a loop of embarrassment and keep imagining all the terrible things that people are thinking about me I remember this great advice I got ages ago that I fall on every time I go to that place, that other people's opinions of me are none of my business and I have nothing to defend until something direct is said to me.

Have they given you any indication as to whether they will be able to accommodate you?

[Dreamatic]

Thank you. It helps so much to feel understood because I often feel so crazy that I can't comprehend that others could 'get it'. You are right that I feel like 'they can see right in to me'. Intellectually I know this isn't true but my anxiety acts like a panic alarm and doesn't let rationality in.

Initially they said that they would put me for 12 months at the closer office and review, but I asked for ongoing and they have agreed but reserve to be able to move me with notice at any time. So is anxiety inducing in itself that I no longer have real job security.

[kristin]

Dear @Dreamatic 

A warm welcome to the forums! Thanks so much for your honest and heart-felt post - it takes a lot of courage to reach out from that space.

Can I ever relate to a lot of what you posted. I am very tired at the end of a long week so I will try to write you a longer response over the weekend. I just want to quickly say (like @nigioc ) that I think what you did in speaking up was a wise and self-caring thing to do. I really get the sense of feeling exposed - it feels a bit like being naked (or even without skin) before others. It's horrible and frightening. You've done what you needed to and stated your needs. It sounds like you did well to avoid an "over-share" which is easy to end up in with these types of situations.

As a fellow survivor I know how vulnerable clearly stating your own needs can make you feel. Needs were not something I was really allowed to have as a child, I was taught to serve others. My guess is you have similar struggles. (I also have C-PTSD, loathe the CBD, can't even handle too much time in suburbia, and suffer from hyper-arousal and hyper-vigilance at times).

So whatever they think about you as a result, you did what you needed to do in the circumstances. And you can't really change who you are or what your needs are. What they think is their issue, but it is hard to leave there as it affects you too - I know. Hopefully this will mean that you will be offered one of the closer, rather than CBD, jobs. I wish you all the best with it. Please keep us posted.

Hope for understanding employers endures...

Kind regards, 

Kristin

PS You might find it interesting and or helpful to search the forum there's quite a bit here on PTSD and CSA and from survivors. Some of it has trigger warnings, some is milder but still potentially triggering. Go gently. 🙂

[Alessandra1992]

Sometimes these are really tricky conversations to have. If you are in Victoria you could also contact VMIAC, Victorian Mental Illness Awareness Council www.VMIAC.org.au. they offer advocacy services that might be really useful for your situation.
Also, a letter from your GP, psychologist or psychiatrist can be helpful.
This is an issue around supporting the rights of people with a disability, your's happens to be not visible. Doesn't mean that you are not a competent and valuable employee. Just that you cannot perform the role if the position is moved to CBD.
Hope this helps..

[Dreamatic]

Thank you. 🙂