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Something’s not right

Steph27
New Contributor

Lost and concerned..

Hi, i am very new to this and not really sure what i'm looking for...maybe just some advice...

My dad suffers with depression and has done for a many years now, he has been to countless doctors, tried a lot of different medications but never seems to stick to any advice given to him. He misses appointments and doesn't stick to the correct doses of medication. He was an alcoholic for a lot of my childhood and has also been through times of intense drug use. He seems to become addicted to things very easily and i am worried that he is addcited to the idea of depression. It doesn't feel like he wants to get better or seek help, he believes there are voices in his head that make him angry, sad, confused and has very little control of his emotions. He is unable to work and is competely reliant on my mum, who works seven days a week to support herself and my dad. 

My mum has been through a lot with my dad and always stood by him when many would have left, but in the last few years i have seen my mum become more and more unhappy and it kills me to see someone who deserves the best not be able to have it. I dont know what to do or how to help, i am just so worried that this isnt just going to ruin my dads life but my mums too.

I guess my question is, does one persons need for help out weigh another persons right to be happy?

4 REPLIES 4

Re: Lost and concerned..

@Steph27 Hi Steph27 I am the daughter of an alcoholic father and he remained an alcoholic until he died. My mother also was the main bread winner in the family and as a child I felt like you do saddened and helpless by the whole situation they had gotten themselves into.

This will sound a dreadful thing but when my father passed it was like a sigh of relief for myself and my mother. No longer did we have to deal with the moods, the anger, the fear ... basically I think what you are asking is do you have the right to step back and get on with your life or should you remain in this alcohlic limboland.

Well I will tell you as one child of an alchololic father to another the best thing I ever did for myself was to step away. It was a poisoness situation to be in. I actually left the state to free myself. Your parents are adults making bad decisions but you have to start making a healthy life for yourself. It doesn't mean you cannot be there for your mum and your father but look after yourself in the process. gp

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Lost and concerned..

Hi @Steph27

Does one person's need for help outweigh another person's right to be happy? There really is no black and white answer there as so many individual circumstances can come into play. And then it begs the question "do we walk out on someone we love in their darkest hour if it gets too hard and does not fulfill our needs?". The latter can be the true test of love. As the real deal is for better or for worse. Ofcourse the exception here is if abuse is involved, if so then we walk as that is not love.

When it comes to depression and/or any mental or physical illness, trauma or struggle in life - "we have to help ourselves by whatever means possible" to nurture relationships - and that involves being responsible with treatment and lifestyle choices. It cannot be too one sided expecting the other in that relationship to carry us all the time and give nothing back. Or only when it suits.  It can't be take, take, take or all about me, me, me as that will drain a person dry. If that is the case with your mum and dad then no, that person's needs does not outweigh the givers happiness. That indeed is not fair and will slowly chip away at love and the happiness it brings.

If your father is doing the latter your mum needs to give him a wake up call and step back and let him stand on his own two feet for a bit (not leave him - just not do carry him and do everything for him). For your mum to pursue her own personal, meaningful goals as well in order to grow and find some happiness - this would be good to encourage for her own health and well being.

I was an alcoholic many years ago - I suffered terrible childhood abuse and neglect. But it came to a cross road in my life where I had to make a choice; where I had to take responsibility for my own actions and stop blaming the past holding onto it. To get help for myself and act on it. If we "hold on" we can "become stuck" in a cycle of depression and anxiety. And yes, can become comfortable in it believing it hopeless. For this cycle to break we need to let go of the past and do all we can to move forward - whatever that takes in a healthy manner facing up to life. 

Myself and husband are there for each other and do our best to help ourselves (my husband has cancer - I struggle with depression/anxiety/grief at times) - and if adversity was to strike either of us the other would give up everything to ensure the well being and happiness of the other over our own. That's love in action.

In my life experience I have come to learn that although we can judge actions as harmful or wrong - we can never judge another person;  - no one could or can judge me in the past or now until they have walked a mile in my shoes as they may not have coped or dealt with it any better - people don't know what battles I face; and no one is without fault. Your dad may have had a very painful beginning??..........Compassion towards others is important but so is taking responsibility for our actions and giving back a bit to those who show us love. Trying for their sake as well as our own to nurture each other's happiness. That's a healthy relationship and no one should accept less - your mum needs to voice her unhappiness with her husband. It's between them.

We should never allow ourselves to be used or abused - that's the time when we step back and move away.

Hope that has helped abit to answer your initial question.

 

 

Re: Lost and concerned..

Hello @Steph27

Welcome to the forums I have not yet met you, so it is nice to meet you.

It sounds like your father has been dealing with some really difficult mental health symptoms over a really long time and his main support is your mum who seems to be doing an awful lot to try to take care of him, which is not sustainable and has become quite burnt out.

This would be difficult for you to be seeing happen and I can understand why you have so many questions as family are complex as it is let alone with mental health and alcohol dependance.

I think as far as what you can control is your mental health for one, but also trying to encourage your Mum to get some support, because if she is burnt out and unhappy she will be of no help to support your father. There are carers organisations that she can access counselling, support groups and respite through-

Mental Health Carers Australia (formerly ARAFMI National)
National Helpline 1300 554 660
www.mentalhealthcarersaustralia.org.au
Mental Health Carers Australia seeks to: explore and strengthen the mental health caring role, develop knowledge, improve skills and offer support to reduce isolation and enhance the caring journey, and advocate on behalf of carers.
The Mental Health Carers Australia member organisations services across Australia are: Mental Health Carers Tasmania, Mind Australia, Arafmi Mental Health Carers and Friends Association (WA) Inc, Mental Illness Fellowship NT, Mental Health Carers Arafmi Qld, and Arafmi NSW

If she is able to find ways of doing self care, this will also help your father to take some responsibility and be less dependant on her and maybe even make him feel a little empowered and in control of his life.

It certainly not an easy thing for your Mum to try to learn to prioritise her own health over his, so keep working at encouraging her to get some support.

Lunar

Re: Lost and concerned..

Hi @Steph27 and welcome to the forums .....

I support the comments you have already received in the posts above .....

Your parents are adults making their own life decisions.

Their choices don’t have to be your choices once you have reached an age of independence.

Focussing on your own life goals prevents the illness of alcoholism from impairing your life also.

Your Mum would benefit from carer support services.  Lunar has offered you what might be the best one, but here is another that might help too .....

      http://www.carersaustralia.com.au

Your Mum might be working seven day weeks as a means of escaping her home environment, validating herself as an independent, worthwhile person, finding company in work peers etc along with breadwinning ..... so part of her choice to stay and support the existence of her marriage might be strategic too ..... sometimes it can be easier to stay or half-stay in a variety of forms.

Becoming “soul-weary” May be part of your Mum coming to terms with the fact that she can make other choices, and support service counsellors can help her to explore her options with practical advice and assistance if need be, so referring her to them is possibly the most helpful thing you can do.

Our issue is not alcoholism, but there is a family issue here that is impacting everyone, and we have had to make some tough decisions.

The fact that you are here seeking help demonstrates what a caring, grounded person you are ..... and that is precious.  Good on you ❣️

 

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