Lived Experience Forum

[Moochmouse]

I see the struggle

Feel hurt and pain

Hiding in your heart

Turmoil, indecision, a roaring hurricane. 

You fall on your knees

In desperation,  in the dark

Tears do not come

Trapped within your heart.

You turn your back on the world

Easier to live within yourself 

Trusting the memories 

On a loaded shelf.

There is no one here

But you alone

Secrets, dark, unspoken 

You wait in stillness

Fear that has grown roots, deep and dark

Breathed in, exhaled 

It has left a scar, made a mark.

You struggle to lift your head

Depression holds you down

And you give up on life instead. 

[Zoe7]

Powerful, descriptive and wonderfully phrased @Moochmouse I am however a little worried about you - are you safe?

[Moochmouse]

@Zoe7  yes I think I am safe. There are times lately that I feel I could walk on the planet. It is not the the first time. I feel like 'existence is futile'  

But I don't want to hurt anyone else,  just myself. But you cannot hurt yourself without hurting others, and then that leads to a feeling of being trapped  in an inescapable life where you are only putting one foot in front of the other,  day in and day out.  You end up just surviving,  and when you are just surviving there is no time to dream of a better future, because all of your energy is used getting through the day.

People have asked what brings joy/happiness.  And I have no answer because I don't know anymore. I don't know if I ever knew.  I am in my 50's  and my whole life has just been about getting through. I am tired. This isolation does not help. I  constantly remind myself that I am not the only one in this leaky boat. There are others worse off. I have always thought this way. Ingrained in me all my life to think of others always,  to the point if I think about myself the guilt comes.  

I live my life in this bubble of depression,  anxiety,  hyper vigilance,  fear. My mental health team say that I never give the full story of what's going on. But when I do, honest to God, they just say 'ok'

So I want to give up. Walk away. Be less of a burden.  But yes, I am safe, because guilt keeps me here.

And thank you for your kind words about my poem.

[Zoe7]

That perpeptual state of 'just existing' is such a very hard place to be @Moochmouse So much of what you wrote resonates with me because of past experience with the same. It is that feeling that you are drowning but continue to fight for breath knowing you have to fight to do so but also knowing that stopping that would be a sense of relief - however to feel that relief for yourself would cause pain for others. So to not cause any of that pain you continue to fight. None of that however helps you personally and it takes all your energy to continue swimming and leaves none for anything else in your life. It really is an incredibly hard place to be.

Sometimes the 'finding joy' in your life feels unattainable but starting with little things and recognising them even if they are small can help - whatever that may be: a hot cup of tea/coffee/hot chocolate, a walk along the beach, sitting in a garden in the sun, etc - those are some of the things I love and of course yours will be very different (or the same maybe). My fur babies give me the most pleasure and have really been the catalyst for me finding even more joy in other things. We are of course all different but the point I am making here is that joy/happiness is not about the big things - it is about the smaller things, the unexpected things and the simpler things in life. May I suggest that you plan some of those smaller things each day - ie. one day smell a flower, another walk along a beach - simple, achievable things that give you a point of focus each day. As the days/weeks move forward you can then look back, see what you have achieved and begin to expand on that. Just a suggestion as it worked for me and made a real difference.

[Moochmouse]

Thank you Zoe7. You are right in all you said. Right down to the feeling of drowning, but you keep fighting, the sense of relief that would come if you just gave up. 

I try so hard to find the little things that make a difference,  things that once brought joy - sunsets, stars, a walk along a beach etc. I just cannot find joy in that anymore, as hard as I try. Maybe I do need to start smaller.  A good cup of coffee, the antics of my two dogs. Thank you for being an understanding person. You described it so well.

[Zoe7]

I am glad it resonated with you @Moochmouse 

I found at times even the company of my fur babies was not enough at times but then I started to appreciate the little things again - one of those was the feel of warmth I got from my dog when he snuggled next to me. So maybe for you it is the antics of your own two dogs. They have a wonderful ability of not only recognising when we are not doing well and also providing entertainment with their antics. My Toby does his night time run - he tears around the house, rolls on his bed and floor and makes little barky sounds - it is super cute and makes me smile every night. No matter how I am feeling that gives me joy - and if I only have one little moment of joy in the day then it is better than nothing. Like you said - even a cup of coffee - take your time to savour the flavour, feel the warmth of it take in the aroma and mindfully drink it so each sip you can taste. It is those little things that we often overlook but can actually have a lot of meaning and pleasure when we actually stop and appreciate them.