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Something’s not right

saltandpepper
Senior Contributor

Jumbled Brain

I'm not having a great time of it lately. I have trouble noticing it sometimes, when I'm not coping well. I think because in my head if I'm not suicidal then I'm ok, but that's obviously not a very helpful perspective. I'm very drained at the moment, today is the first day this week I've showered and brushed my teeth. I've been going back to bed alot lately, not being able to get through a day without needing to rest. But yeah, in my head I've been thinking I'm ok because I'm not thinking about suicide. That's not a great barometer is it? I think it's helped being on here and reading what others are going through, it's helping things click into place for me.

 

Sleep has been all over the show the past week--thanks to my not being able to get through an afternoon without a nap. Shooting myself in the foot there. Wasn't even tired yesterday when I went back to bed, just wanted to be alone, not have to deal with anything, bed is good for that. Didn't really want to go to bed last night, been having nightmares again. Possibly too graphic to share the content here, which is annoying. But, yeah, painful torturous kind of nightmares. It's not new, but it's been a while since I've had them to this degree. Been waking up in a pool of sweat every night for the past three nights. 

 

Feels like something is eating away at me, but because I'm so sh*t at identifying my own emotions/feelings/issues, I can't figure out what's going on.

 

I had a very bad week or two not that long ago, it passed, but maybe I got ahead of myself thinking it was all done and dusted? I don't know if this is a new struggle or still lingering from the other week. Don't know. Maybe it's a mixture of both. I'm getting anxious about Christmas, think that's playing on my mind a bit.

 

Been a short tempered asshole this week. Even with my kid which is just terrible. Really, really, really hate that I've been short with him. It's not him I'm angry with, not at all. Think it's why I'm just eager to lock myself away in bed when I can, so I do less damage. Why am I getting so angry again? Being easily set off? I'd gotten so good at managing that for a while there. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to snap, I don't want the smallest things to drive me up the wall. I just want this all to pass. I don't feel in control of much right now, I can't understand what's going on, I can't figure out what this feeling is or why I'm feeling this way. It feels like something is happening to me, this disconnected feeling is still lingering and it's possibly the most uncomfortable sensation I've ever experienced in my life. Still feeling disconnected from myself and fu*k it's taking a toll on me.

19 REPLIES 19

Re: Jumbled Brain

@saltandpepper I hear you friend thank you for helping me with good ideas,hopefully I can help you in return,it sounds like your not feeling good at all about how your treating your family as a result of how your feeling ,it seems like you are feeling so mixed up up right now,I can understand the feeling of wanting to be alone,back to bed ect hang in there cause your really not alone,I sometimes get nightmares too,I hope you get support and you can always chat to me LostAngel Heart

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Jumbled Brain

Hello @saltandpepper 

I can really feel the pain and anguish you are going through at this moment.
 I at times would like to reach out to a help line, but I wouldn't have a clue what to say, it just seems so pathetic when you hear yourself out loud. I don't know if I am 'bad' enough and I worry that I maybe taking up there valuable time. But I also know I would never call if I didn't know there was no other option.  I stop myself because I hear so many say that it's a waste of time and more upsetting afterwards because I think there is nothing they can really do anyway!

like you, I have found it helpful being on here, actually reading and knowing there are others 

Ike me out there too.

please take care and be kind to yourself 🌻

Re: Jumbled Brain

Hey @Former-Member , I just wanted to pop in to tell you, from the other side of the fence, that there is no such thing as 'bad enough' to chat to someone on a helpline. Your experiences, your pain, your struggles, they matter and are worthy of someone's time - because what is shareable is bearable. Different helplines have different styles too, for some it's more for crisis calls (like Lifeline or Suicide Callback Service) but others, like the SANE Help Centre, are great for just being able to talk to someone to feel heard, explore things in a non-judgemental space, and get stuff off your chest.

I know it's not for everyone, and sometimes there are experiences that are less than helpful; sometimes it's just luck of the draw because you never know who will be on the other end! But I just thought I'd let you (and anyone else reading) know that a helpline worker's time is exaclty as valuable as your time, and if it matters to you, it matters.

 

@saltandpepper I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time right now. Sometimes when we snap easily over the smallest things, it's because our resilience and tolerance for distress has been lowered by the ongoing effort required to keep afloat. The fact that you care so deeply about the impact is perhaps something to focus on, as it shows that you're a good person and caring parent, you've just got a lot on your plate right now. We're here with you anyway, and I really do hope things shift and improve for you soon. Heart

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Jumbled Brain

@Jynx  Thank you for your response, I will have to read it later as I am too upset ATM. Didn't realise it was something caring. 

Re: Jumbled Brain

@Jynx great response. 

 

I've rung so many helplines over the years, it does get harder to pick the phone up. I have found that lifeline has the belief that you find the answers to your own questions and situations. 

 

I think being able to do that us not helpful for all people, especially if they are distressed and haven't been able to find any solutions. Also they do cap chats most of the time. Of course that us not such a bad thing. It's just that feeling rushed and pressured to hurry up id prevalent. 

Re: Jumbled Brain

@saltandpepper  how are you doing now? are you feeling any better? 

Re: Jumbled Brain

Hey @Eden1919 sorry I haven't gotten back to you on your post yet, how are you going today?

 

Thanks for checking in. I'm not really sure what to say. Things are still not making a whole lot of sense to me, still feeling confused and like I'm coming apart on the inside. So I guess, no, not really doing very well at the moment. Things are still feeling a bit overwhelming right now.

Re: Jumbled Brain

@saltandpepper  That is ok, I am sorry you are still feeling bad is there anything that usually helps when you feel this way? 

Re: Jumbled Brain

@Eden1919  I'm really not sure what's going on exactly. None of the usual fixes have brought any relief from this feeling. I'll talk to my therapist about it when I see him next, he'll have some insight I'm sure. I think, possibly, I may still be coming out of a bit of a PTSD episode. But, this, what's happening, it's new for me. Not something I've experienced before. Been getting this disconnected sensation and it's followed on from something that has, I guess, been a "trigger" to the past. Just wasn't expecting it to happen really. But this has also happened on the heels of the depressive episode I've been coming out of too. Probably isn't helping at all.

That probably didn't make a lot of sense. Sorry. How are you going now @Eden1919 

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