Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

Can I say I'm confused if I am not sure what is happening for me?

I've just realised I've been sick so long I don't even know what normal is anymore.

My life is just a shipping around in mental and physical health services, hospitalisations, medications and therapy with consultations with psychiatrists thrown in for good measure. People by large avoid me and although I really hate them doing so, I guess I have nothing in common with them. I live in my own world quite detached from others. 

I'm not even sure what I am trying to say here. I am so awkward and inward and backward. Today a neighbour gave me a lecture saying how I should learn to like myself. I think she is mistaking my issues for poor self-esteem. Yes, I have that but I believe that is secondary to my issues. For example, would I receive the same lecture if she knew I was also a voice hearer and delusionary thinker? I feel pigeonholed but that is okay because in some ways I do that myself to myself.

I am currently reading the memoir of a psychiatric patient's son and it has really opened my eyes to the "sick thinking and actions". I must indeed be sick and this is why my family and friends avoid me. I have no business belonging in their world or even staking a claim in it. 

When I was in hospital last time, a fellow psychotic called herself sick and the same condition I have as a sickness. I thought I had moved away from those idioms myself, but here I am.

On the verge of giving up.

[Appleblossom]

@Queenie I believe it is more complex than anyone just being "sick".  

I mainly know psych wards through being a visitor, but that happened a great deal to a lot of people in my world... seemed the norm to me growing up ...

Then for a long time (about 15 years) I avoided using words associated with mental illness.  I kept seeing a psychologist every few months to help me hang on and do the best possible for my son and focussed on work, pleasant activities and holidays etc..

I became amazed at how so called normal people viewed the world.  The type of things they would see as sufficient to warrant a crisis or even an outburst blew my mind... and the incredible boringness and conceits.  

I think that is part of the reason I decided to embrace the community of those struggling with mental health issues.

Yes there are the needy parts of us, but there are also wonderful creative parts.  Have you been using that pallete for painting recently?

Just like we are told to squeeze healthy foods into our diets so that we oust out the unhealthy. Maybe squeeze in more healthful activities that give you some sense of meaning ...

[utopia]

@Queenie. Are you confused or is your neighbour? A dislike getting advice from people about what I should be doing or need to do. Especially from strangers or near strangers. They may try to be helpful, but they don't know our stories.

Describing ourselves as being 'sick'. I guess it depends on how you view it. I have high BPD - but I'm not sick. I am chemically sensitive, but I'm only sick if I get exposed to certain chemicals or perfumes. I have Major Depression. But I'm not normally sick. I'm living and trying to recover. But when in the midst of an episode - I acknowledge I am sick.

So I guess we can live with an illness, mental or physical, but not think of ourselves as sick. But also acknowledge during the really bad times, that we are sick then. But this is,simply my opinion.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Queenie, @Appleblossom, @utopia, I'm so used to being sick and thinking of myself as sick from the chronic physical illness I've had since I was 18 (crohns disease). Then later there was the recognition I also have mental illness. It doesn't seem a crime to me to be sick, more a misfortune. Many people have misfortune but that doesn't mean they are less of a person because of it. In fact, struggling with physical and/or mental illness often gives people strengths that other 'normies' don't have. I understand feeling down on ourselves at times. But I also feel that looking for what is good about us is the way to go. Even more than that, acceptance that we are humans who have just as much right to be on this earth as any other human. I once saw the Dalai Lama speak publicly and he talked about compassion for all. His really strong point about that though was, 'don't forget yourself'. That good thought has stuck with me for about 20 years now. Let's be kind to ourselves, as we are kind to each other. Let's be as good a friend to ourselves as we can be to others. Queenie, I see you being kind and compassionate to so many on the forum. I hope you are able to connect with that part of you that knows you are worthy of at least as much kindness and compassion too.

[NatalieS]

@Queenie @Appleblossom @utopia@Mazarita

Someone at work recently said to me that is people with mental illnesses who are the kind and compassionate people of the world, and those who think of themselves as "normal" (whatever that may be) can be shallow and uncaring and not know about how much people with mental illnesses struggle before they do any so-called "normal" stuff because they can only relate to their  own view of the world.  People only know what they know.  Hope that makes sense?  Anyway, we are all deserving of being on this earth, @Queenie  You are kind and caring.....and I've NEVER understood people, I find animals so much easier to relate to!   

[utopia]

I agree @NatalieS. Since becoming a member of the MI club I've noticed how caring and empathic people with MI are.

[BlueBay]

Thst is so true @NatalieS

xxoo

[Queenie]

I think those with MH issues have empathy that others surely lack. Today I was again accosted by my neighbour. This time I was questioned why I am not working. I receive this regular questioning and presumptive thoughts on almost a daily basis from my own family. Why can't a neighbour simply mind her own proverbial business? I am too polite perhaps or too honest. She knows the reasons why I don't work, I am often the subject of neighbourhood gossip. It therefore begs belief that she wants to get it from the horse's mouth so to speak, but there she was in my front yard with all these "questions".

I guess I am still confused by people and their peopleness. I'll resign myself to the fact I'll never be the social butterfly I once was. 

I know I am being currently plagued by early warning signs that things aren't as they should be. I am being withdrawn even at home... shutting myself away and only communicating by means of the internet (even with people in the same house). I am in constant pain due to nerve damage from wisdom tooth removal, so I am constantly under the haze of OTC pain relief. I feel utterly worn out and despondent. There is little which really makes me smile lately. I am determined not to let myself fall into the pit of depression though because I think each time I experience an episode, a little of myself is lost forever. I fear it because even though I know the clouds will part and the sun will shine again, a tiny part of me has been destroyed. How much of these little chinks in the human armour have to occur? This confuses me too.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Queenie, aside from my ideals of being a friend to ourselves, I know I would be very affected by a neighbour who did what you are describing. How dare she! So presumptuous and rude. It would really upset me too. So sorry you feel the subject of neighbourhood gossip. It might go on with me too but I prefer to go into denial about it, though I'm really nervous about neighbours. Mostly avoid them to be honest. Too close for comfort. I remember you talking about your wisdom tooth extraction some time ago. Awful that it's still painful. Are you in contact with the dentist about it? I hope they can do something for you, it's not right that you should be in so much pain. Is there a psychologist or psychiatrist appointment coming up for you? Not sure if that would help, but if I was feeling that way I might think of getting there soon if I could.

[Queenie]

Hi @Mazarita, unfortunately, the dentist is at a loss to explain why I am in so much pain. He thinks it is nerve damage is unsure if and when the pain will subside. I am spending so much time in the chair trying to figure it all out, that I am sure I am single-handedly paying for his children's education.

Therapy for now is on the back burner, as I gave up constantly having to cancel my appointments to suit the needs of others in the household. I was scolded for scheduling appointments just before dinner (but believe me there was no other time for them as I was chastised for having them scheduled when the MIL needed medical appointments - her house her rules so to speak). I am disappointed in my decision to back away from therapy but what can you do? When my support worker has appointments with me, I must be constantly interrupted to do household chores at the request of the MIL. It is like my needs don't matter. I am still on the verge of moving out to satisfy my needs as an adult (I am forced to have no privacy due to the cat again much to my disdain). I saw my psychiatrist recently and he expressed his surprise that I haven't relapsed completely under the strain of the household. I am frightened of the hospital, that I always 'pretend' everything is okay with me, even if I am talking to the water bubbler in his waiting room. I didn't engage much when I was there last time, he had a new receptionist who doesn't like talking to the patients. It kind of made me feel sad to discover that his old receptionist had been replaced by this frigid kind of person. I guess the doctor had his reasons. 

I haven't left the house since being annoyed by the neighbour again. I feel like when I go outside, all eyes are on me in a very judgemental environment. There is a neighbour who lives a few doors down who was recently hospitalised due to MH reasons (schizophrenia, I know this because I speak to her myself) and the gossip mill is rife.