Lived Experience Forum

[Define_normal]

Hello, @eth , @Shaz51 , @Snowie, @Flying_Hams , @Faith-and-Hope , @cutiepiekitty , @Eden1919 , @Former-Member , @outlander , @WriterMelb and anyone else who passes by.

I am in a bit of a moral dilemma. 

A lady who i use to help out a long time ago has messaged me on facebook and asked for my help. We use to be pretty close friends in high school but when we left school and had kids our relationship changed as she became a really toxic person. I only stayed in contact with her as long as i did because i worried about her kids. But after my son was hurt because of her recklessness i cut her off. It was hard because i really cared for her kids but me and my son didnt need such a toxic person in our lives. 

Its been almost 5 years since i last talked to her and she has messaged me on facebook asking if she can stay with us for a few days as she had just been kicked out of her house after violating a number or things on her rental agreement. I know she doesnt have all 5 kids with her as 2 are in fostering homes and 1 is with their father but she still has 2 with her and the youngest who is 6 months is one of the 2 kids still in her care. I really dont want her in my house but i dont want the kids to be living in a car. Really not sure what to do

[Eden1919]

@Define_normal  Personally I would offer to help her find alternative accommodation, if you feel she is untrustworthy then you probably don’t want her living in your house as that can bring many possibilities including leagal issues later particular if she stays for a while. They are her kids and they aren’t your responsibility if you are that worried about their wellbeing then there are services that deal with that sort of thing as well. I am not trying to sound harsh but if she is toxic as you say then it is probably safer to keep her at a distance and living with you just seems like a bit of a red flag to me, that said I don’t know this person or the full situation but if you do want to help I would say try and help connect her with appropriate services.

[eth]

Hey @Define_normal    It might sound harsh, but I wouldn't be taking on extra people with that history between you.  With things the way they are now, you really need to have control over how you manage social withdrawal for your family and it sounds like a fair bit of chaos follows her around.  I hope you don't mind me telling it how I see it, just my opinion.   I get that you're concerned for her children, but you have to put your own first.  It would be different alltogether if it were someone you could trust and you knew they would respect you in your home, someone who hadn't been out of your life for so long.

Sorry I probably don't know you well enough to say all this - hope you don't mind.  

[Shaz51]

@Define_normal  I Personally  would say  to her to  find alternative accommodation,

because 

1) of her past history with you 

and also 

2) with this virus around , you don`t know who her family have been in contact with and it might be passed on to your house 

very hard and sending you hugs 

[Define_normal]

Thankyou @Eden1919 , and @eth,

I have given here a few numbers that can help with emergency accomodation and managed to get her to agree to contact the kids fathers, 1 has said they would prefer i just call cps as they dont believe her when she said the child is his and the youngest's father has asked me to organise with her where to meet up apparently he has been organsing to get custody since they split. I will call cps if i cant get someone to collect the other child as it honestly surprises me she has them after the incident with her eldest 2 years ago. (I was just told by the youngest's father why she does not have all her kids)

[Define_normal]

Yes @Shaz51 , i am organising alternatives that does not put my family at risk. I have managed to get in contact with one of the kids father

[Snowie]

Hi @Define_normal 

It is quite a dilemma when someone is asking you this. I think @Shaz51 @eth and @Eden1919 have given great advice. With the virus it is probably best not to have her in your house plus the history between the two of you.

Even though she is probably good at laying the guilt on, you need to put yourself first and do what is best for you.

There is emergency accomodation out there that will take her.

Glad you tagged me 💖

[eth]

Well done @Define_normal .  Stay strong.  It may well be for the best for the kids in the long run.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Define_normal 

I agree 100% with all the other advice offered here.  It's wonderful that you have the empathy and compassion that you do for her kids, but your first and most important responsibility is to your own household.  

Helping to get support around those kids is fantastic, without risking your own situation, and it sounds like supporting youngest dad to gain custody is also really important.  

it can be really tough, but sometimes losing things they value is the only way people who are unwell can find the path to diagnosis, treatment, support, life-balance, healthy behaviours and relationships, and wellness.

[Flying_Hams]

I would say no @Define_normal

There must be others she is closer to who can provide the help. If you feel uncomfortable about it then it is a sign you should not do it.