Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

@Minnie64 

When I was 18-20 I rode under the influence of many substances. Legality was not the question for me, as most people seemed negative, angry and corrupt.  Now I am amazed I got home in one piece.  For a while I thought it was God looking out for me.  Now I think it was probably partly due to early abandonment and me being very used to dissociating, so I could compartmentalise in my brain.  A weird kind of resilience.  I never took to alcohol, probably as I saw many angry drunks on the street, and I never wanted to be like that, so in a weird way I turned it around to healthy living, by time I returned from overseas, I was at uni, 23, all I could afford was a push bike and legumes, and I was alright with that, as I had seen the world and was at a top uni, seemed a fair trade off.  I was also the driver and carer when others were in psychotic states. I only had one psychotic break when I was 17, but had a practical mindset and too often there were younger people around who needed caring.

Now I firmly believe big pharma peddling pills is more culpable than any acts I did back then. I had been raised on an excess of religion and little awareness of legality anyway. Good medicine and wise use of meds is important, but making medicine a profitmaking industry .. idk

@greenpea 

From what I researched, the whole legal question of insanity in legal jurisdictions circles around culpability and guilt, and then deciding punishment.  "Criminal insanity" per se seems more of a journalist phrase than a legal one, to inspire horror in a good law abiding public (some facetiousness there) and increases stigma regarding Mental illness ... IMO.

@eth 

[Eden1919]

@Appleblossom Yeah the term “criminally insane” as far as I know is usually only used in reference to people who have been charged with a crime and are found not guilty by reason of insanity. And I mean legally for that to happen there has to be certain criteria but I haven’t really seen it used to describe people who have not been legally charged with anything even if they have committed a crime technically... idk it is weird terminology is hard and everyone uses words a little differently but I find that term holds a lot of stigma and for me if I was referring to someone in the situation where no legal charges had been laid I would just say they had a psychotic episode... idk it is complicated but the legal system doesn’t use that term when it is operating...

[greenpea]

@Appleblossom @Minnie64 @Eden1919 @eth  Thank you for all being so honest and sharing with me each one of you has helped me even just a little bit to be less damning on myself.I cannot tell anyone here mine as I am just so ashamed and hating on myself .... hopefuly the time will come where I will be able to put that part of my life to bed and finally move on. Again where would I be without my Sane family xxx

Apple it was my pdoc who said I was criminally insane at the time and unable to control my actions. 

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  Can I ask how old your psychiatrist is? I am just curious cause the times you have mentioned them the things they say always makes me think they are older. Like it sounds like the words they are using came from the 90’s psych text books lol but that is just what it makes me think. 

Edit: I am mostly wondering because I find language patterns interesting and I find that I can often guess age from the language someone is using and it makes me double curious if I can guess from a second had account of how someone else speaks. It is mostly a personal curiosity but I just wanted to clarify because I realized my initial post could have come off as me saying that there was something wrong with older professionals which there isn’t. 

[eth]

I think @greenpea  you've been clear about what you meant with your question and there's no need to debate semantics here.  I remember another time when I was in a psychotic rage I drove through my  mother's closed gate at speed quite deliberately.  And have been taken to hospital by police several times.   Also had most of my manic psychoses when I was still using pot chronically - which definitely put me outside the law.  But, as with you, there are other incidents that involve too much shame to confess, even here anonymously.   Acceptance and respect here mean too much to me to risk it.  I would never tell a therapist either, it's just too extreme.  I've also been manipulated by criminals at times when I was either not mentally stable or under the influence or both (in a sexual way several times).  I am sure the shame will diminish and your self forgiveness will grow given time.  When I remember now at least I don't relive it anymore quite so much.  EMDR has helped enormously.  All I can do is shake my head, take some breaths and change the topic in my mind or do some sort of diversion activity.  Sending you my warmest wishes that you are able to find some relief from your feelings about this.

@Minnie64  (hello we haven't met) I've been held in that plastic box too and I responded with rage at first which meant they hurt me physically to get me under control, then spent the next several hours being taunted by the police literally - pulling crazy faces at me,  doing that 'loopy' thing with their fingers pointed at their head etc  and denied medical assistance too on two of those occasions, so I hear you loud and clear.  Never any criminal charges laid, but I was held in the 'forensic psych unit' as an involuntary detainee more than once.

@Appleblossom  some of your experiences resonate with me too.  Regarding being under the influence, but mine includes alcohol at times when I was younger - the combination of it with pot had dreadful consequences many times.

[eth]

PS @greenpea  I think you're really brave opening up this discussion.  It's like the elephant in the room and it's a bl006y big elephant.  xoxo

[Eden1919]

I think this seems to be another thing that is coming up. It seem like a lot of these incidents people are referring to were accompanied by drug use which is hard because people will cope with whatever they can when things are tough but maybe that is why I never got into trouble/did something illegal, I have never done any drugs or even drank alcohol or smoked I always never saw any reason to personally plus I hated the smell of smoke and alcohol and drugs just scared me too much, but I do think that had I taken those sorts of things at certain times there could have been some different outcomes. They certainly don’t seem to help when you are already psychotic. Just an observation no judgment.

[greenpea]

@eth  my pdoc would be in her 40s and I only say that becuse she has teenage children. She looks in her 30s lol.

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  ^^^^^ sorry the above was meant for Eden1919.

[greenpea]

@eth  what happened to you with the police was shocking but not surprising tbh ..... I remember once I was sitting at a cafe feeling manic when two police officers started talking and one looking indirectly at me started playing with her baton .... I just sat there smiling (I am used to just sitting). It was definately done to provoke me. I am well known where I live..... I dont get along with police, I dont trust them and they dont trust me. I do however trust my pdoc and I thank god I have found you eth, @Eden1919 @Appleblossom @Minnie64  (nice to meet you) and all the other formites. Where would I be without you all I just dont know. :)xxxx