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Something’s not right

OakSeptic
Casual Contributor

I can't stop living in irrational fear

Four years ago almost to the day my uncle died of cancer.

 

It was a very abrupt diagnosis and passing, he only had six weeks in between getting the news and laying on his death bed. I didn't get to see him until the day he died, and even then, by the time I arrived at the hospital at 7:38 AM, he was already dead. I saw his body, still covered in wires. 

 

I thought, over the years, that I had coped properly. That I grieved. I went to see a psychiatrist and walked away with a diagnosis for Anxiety, Depression, and OCD. I continued on with my life and weathered the storm of COVID as best I could. Not being able to see anybody didn't effect me much, or so I thought.

 

Over the past few weeks I've been losing my appetite. My meals have declined per day from three to two and now to only one small dinner and maybe a snack if I'm lucky. Last week I tried to buck that trend by making myself a slice of toast. I ate half of it, threw the other half out, and burst into tears while calling my mother on the phone.

She's been taking care of me since. I'm in my mid-20's but I feel like a toddler. I can't move out of my bed until mid-afternoon. I'm not employed and I've had to drop my college courses for the time being. Every day my thoughts are plagued with the thought of death and dying, what comes next and where I'll end up when it happens. I'm not attempting to start any arguments when I say that I am not a spritual man, but not having that sort of reassurance in my life and death is paralysing sometimes. 

 

I'm going to try grief councilling again. Due to a cancellation I have my first appointment next Thursday. I don't even know if this is the correct place to put something like this but I feel I need to talk about this lest I go insane. I'm so scared, of everything that's happening. I'm scared of inevitability and I'm scared of the future. No matter how much I'm told to live in the present it doesn't help. No one should have to live like this but all I can focus on is dying.

 

I've said it so much over the phone to various mental health hotlines; I don't know much about what I need right now, all I know is that I need some help.

17 REPLIES 17

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

Hi @OakSeptic and welcome to the forums. I'm glad you decided to reach out in a new space, and I hope you find it to be a very welcoming and supportive community. It can be really hard to talk about these things, and it sounds like it's really impacting you. 

I'm a little concerned about you, so I'm going to send you a quick email just to check in. 

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

Hi @Jynx, thank you for the reply. 

I've seen the email and I appreciate the concern. I'm hopeful these forums will help me while I work through everything that's happening in my life. I'm not expecting these feelings to remain forever but in the moment now it feels fairly overwhelming.

I promise I'll stay safe.

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

I'm sorry to hear this, attending a funeral can often stir up a lot of different feelings. Have you thought about medication? You say you have attended support lines and groups but not about medication?

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

Welcome to the forums @OakSeptic There are lots of supportive people here and most willing to offer support and kindness.

 

I am sorry you lost your Uncle so quickly as it sounds as if you were close. Well done on booking into grief counselling and please be kind to yourself as you have dealt with grief "properly". Whatever suits you is the correct thing to do. Noone else has walked in your shoes so really however you do it is right for you.

 

My experience after losing my husband a few years ago is that grief comes and goes. It has no timeframe and we are never the same again and nor would we want to be (Elisabeth Kubler Ross quote).

 

When I saw my husband afer he died he looked better than he'd looked for weeks and as I spent those last moments with him the sun rose and shone in on him. My last words to him were "you can go to Heaven on the sun's rays".

 

I can't convince you whether or not there is a Heaven or Hell as that has to be your journey. I hope there is a Heaven and I hope I will see my H again and be able to lay in his arms...but it's probably not going to be anything like I imagine it will be in the future.

 

Take care, enjoy your mother's love and cooking. I have my son home with me first with a broken heart then with a broken leg. He'd lost his appetite too but he has it back now.

 

There will be hope.

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

 


@Former-Member wrote:

I'm sorry to hear this, attending a funeral can often stir up a lot of different feelings. Have you thought about medication? You say you have attended support lines and groups but not about medication?


My uncle's funeral was four years ago. That's part of the reason why among everything happening to me, I was surprised that his passing was still effecting me. I didn't really believe that it was weighing on my mind until I tried Griefline on the advice of my mother. 

I spoke to my GP briefly about medication when setting up my mental health care plan. He said that he did not want to immediately start me on medication, but part of my referal is another diagnosis. I've not tried medication beyond a month long trial when I was a teenager, mainly because it failed to help me the first time. 

 

@Eve7 Thank you for your message. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. Even if it's not my personal faith (currently, I can't say what will happen in the future), I hope you get to see each other again someday. 

My uncle and I were quite close, yes. My father is the eldest of his siblings and he was the second eldest. It's no exaggeration to say I knew him all my life. Unfortunately the last time I saw him was the time he looked the worst, but that's probably because I didn't get to see him after his diagnosis. His beard that he was so proud of was shaved in odd places to make room for wires and his face that was always alight with joy was slack and sullen. I think, looking back on it now, that image might have traumatised me. 

My appetite is still pretty much non-existent but I have been taking in enough every day to get by. I might be biased but I think my mother's cooking might be the best in Australia.

All the best to you and your son. Thank you so much for the kind words. 

 

 

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

Hugs @OakSeptic, it's late but I feel compelled to say I see and hear you.

I am so sorry for your loss and the impact it has and is having on you.

Welcome to our wonderful Community, I hope you find what you need here 🤗

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

Hi @OakSeptic I'm glad you've found the forum.

Sorry to hear how hard is is right how.

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you today.

Take care.

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

Another day, another nightmare.

The hunger pangs might be the worst part of all of this, to be honest. The more my stomach hurts the more it reminds me that I'm not okay, but I can't alleviate it. It's a constant feedback loop of panic and pain. I feel the need to throw up, but nothing would come up anyway.

Think I'll hide away from the world a little bit longer. I feel like I've forgotten entirely how to face it.

Re: I can't stop living in irrational fear

😞
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