Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

I am sorry to ask this I don’t mean to be annoying everyone I just need someone tell me what they think even if I don’t agree with you or if it seems like I am not listening or I don’t know how to explain it I am just really scared and stressed right now and I am trying very hard to keep how I am supposed to be here but I am having a lot of trouble.

i will try and keep this as short as I can but I have been having trouble communicating with my psychiatrist and don’t fele like he is understanding me and then someone (I literally have no idea who) apparently called the crisis team about me and then they came to my house today and they only left recently but basically for a while I keep thinking that everyone around me is not a real human and that they are all secretly polotting to harm me but that they just look like people but aren’t and basically I have been trying to ignore this stuff and say to myself there is nothing I can do even if I am right but all the stuff that has been happening in the last month about has been making me feel this a lot more strongly.

reason 1: my psychiatrist why should they keep ignoring me when I was telling them I was not ok I was honest with them and told them things I have never told anyone after getting out of the hospital and since then they have been ignoring me and just being really weird in general and not how they used to be.

reason 2: my family has also been acting weird they and my psychiatrist keep ignoring me when I say I am not coping and basically leave me to just my own devices when I have been feeling really unsafe. They act like nothing is happening and they keep feeding me food that is making me feel sick (which I think is poisoned and also has something in it to control a thing that was put inside me) 

reason 3: when I was in the hospital they let me out way too easy they hardly even asked anything and just said I could go this was after I had been there for a few days and the day I went in there I don’t remember anything but a few things and I think they did something to me in that time and put a device in me to try and control my thoughts. 

Reason 4: the crisis team who works for the hospital called out of the blue why I didn’t talk to anyone but this makes me think they are all watching me and also listening to my thoughts. And they keep talking to me and asking about the voices (the voices that I am not supposed to talk about) why did they know about those I didn’t tell them why did they ask.

reason 5: the virus stuff they knew I was getting close to getting away from them and so they had to do something big to stop me, there is more on this but it is hard to explain. 

‘There are other things but I can’t talk about them because nothing is safe maybe they have been reading this stuff on the forums. But now I don’t think it is safe to eat anything and I don’t trust anyone and I am not even sure I can trust people on here if you are all even people but this is the last place I can go I know everyone around me isn’t safe to trust but I am also trying to find a reason that this isn’t happening but everything keeps pointing to it and I can’t ingore it anymore I feel really scared now like I need to get away from everyone. 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  Eden1919 you are still lucid enough to be questioning what is happening around you. When I am psychotic/manic I cannot do that. You need alot of help sweetheart and ask the question logically is it yourself of everyone else.

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  I know it sounds unrealistic but I still think it is everyone not being human because I don’t think the actual world I am i night now is a real world like everything is a fake version of where I was or maybe I was never there at all. Maybe this whole thing has been a trick but I am just struggling because like there are a bunch of different “beings” telling me what to do and think and some of them tell me this is not true (but I think they are the bad ones who are trying to trick me so I don’t know), I don’t want this to be true so I keep making excuses as to why it might not be but deep down I know it is all true and everything is pointing to it being true but I just don’t want to face it I don’t know how to explain it. Like I know I can’t do anything about it because if I am stuck I am stuck but then I also if I accept it then it is so scary and uncomfortable and I feel like it is easier to lie to myself and say it isn’t true even if it is. I just feel very trapped like I cannot get out and I want to hide and maybe if I tell them I believe it they will at least not hurt me even if they keep me trapped here. I don’t know it is so hard to explain. I am sorry I am trying I am I just don’t know what to do. 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  I hope what I say wont upset you but it sounds to me that everyone around you has been trying to help as best they can. The thing is at the end of the day it is up to you Eden1919. You have to take the big step forward for help to come your way. Whether that be a pdoc or psych help and yes even medications. You need help sweetheart but your loved ones and professionals can only do so much. 

[Rainforest]

Hey @Eden1919, I thought it might be a good idea to let you know the forum community are supporting you as I can hear you're going through a pretty tough time at the moment.  It sounds like it might also be really helpful to let someone you trust know what's going on.  If you'd like to talk to us directly, feel free to email us here at team@saneforums.org. 

Take care and look after yourself.

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  But I did try when I got out of hospital last time I told my psychiatrist everything even things I had never told anyone before and he just ignored me I told him I wasn’t feeling ok I told him everything and he just got frustrated that I hadn’t found a psychologist yet. I have been trying to tell him again over the past month I tried to tell my mum she ignored me I tried I really did try and be honest with everyone I could and they all just ignored me. And meanwhile everything has just been getting more intense and now I can’t tell them things again because I am not allowed to anymore and I tried I really tried I don’t know what else I was supposed to do but they all ignored me which makes me feel like I really must be right because if they actually wanted to help wouldn’t they have listened? I even tried I was supposed to have a Skype appointment with my psychiatrist this morning and I was going to try for the 4th time to tell him and instead he called me an hour late talked at me for 3 minutes and hung up. He didn’t even ask how I was and said he was going to call the crisis team to ask what their plan was and then when they saw me they said he never called them. What else am I meant to do? I tried I really really really tried. My “family” won’t listen I tried telling them as well they just left me alone I genuinely don’t know what else I am meant to do I did try I tried so hard. 

[chibam]

Hi @Eden1919 ,

I know what it's like to be unable to communicate effectively with those around you. I've come to realize just how heavily communication relies upon common ground, and how frustrated it can become if both parties don't enter with a common perception on key underlying concepts; concepts that may be so deeply buried that one or both parties may not even realize that their stance in that area needs to be clarified.

"It goes without saying..." is one of the most debilitating thoughts a person who wants to communicate can suffer from, because you can bet your life that someone somewhere out there has a radically differant idea to whatever you believe "goes without saying". For people like us, we can easily find ourlives infested with people who are on a completely differant page to our basic truths that "go without saying". This can make communication all but impossible.

I had a few thoughts regarding your specific situation:

1. You say that your therapist and others have been ignoring you? Have you factored in the coronavirus crisis? From what I've heard, the mental health industry is absolutly overloaded with patients who need help dealing with the stress of quarantine, ect. So is it possible that your therapist simply can't find time for you because he/she is completely overloaded?

2. You say you don't understand why the crisis team visited you/You don't know who called them? Is it possible that your therapist sent them to deal with you? Presumably you've been reaching out to your therapist for you to say they've been ignoring you. So is it possible that your therapist called the crisis team in response to your messages to him/her?

Hope you are feeling better, in any event.

[Eden1919]

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@chibam wrote:

Hi @Eden1919 ,

I know what it's like to be unable to communicate effectively with those around you. I've come to realize just how heavily communication relies upon common ground, and how frustrated it can become if both parties don't enter with a common perception on key underlying concepts; concepts that may be so deeply buried that one or both parties may not even realize that their stance in that area needs to be clarified.

"It goes without saying..." is one of the most debilitating thoughts a person who wants to communicate can suffer from, because you can bet your life that someone somewhere out there has a radically differant idea to whatever you believe "goes without saying". For people like us, we can easily find ourlives infested with people who are on a completely differant page to our basic truths that "go without saying". This can make communication all but impossible.

I had a few thoughts regarding your specific situation:

1. You say that your therapist and others have been ignoring you? Have you factored in the coronavirus crisis? From what I've heard, the mental health industry is absolutly overloaded with patients who need help dealing with the stress of quarantine, ect. So is it possible that your therapist simply can't find time for you because he/she is completely overloaded?

2. You say you don't understand why the crisis team visited you/You don't know who called them? Is it possible that your therapist sent them to deal with you? Presumably you've been reaching out to your therapist for you to say they've been ignoring you. So is it possible that your therapist called the crisis team in response to your messages to him/her?

Hope you are feeling better, in any event.

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@chibam  yes some of this I have been trying to tell them since before any of the restrictions came into place it isn’t just the crisis that is making this happen I am not saying the virus I stuff isnt contributing but that isn’t the only reason, also I asked if my psychiatrist called the crisis team and he said he didn’t I thought it was him but he asked me who called them and I said wasn’t it you and he said no it wasn’t me. I do t currently have a psychologist only a psychiatrist. And I still don’t know who contacted the crisis team and they won’t tell me butit wasn’t anyone I know of I thought maybe it was sane but it wasn’t and like that is the only other place it could have been.i wasn’t talking to anyone else. 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  sweetie you have to keep trying. I know it is easy for me to say but only you can do this. Maybe it is time for a new psychiatrist. I am seeing one who looks after my psychologist side as I trust her and didnt want yet another person in my team. I know you hate the word 'meds' but maybe it is time to look at them again. I think you have to keep your mind open to every form of help out there. As for family I know mine for example do not fully understand me when I am feeling ill which is fair enough it can be confronting and scary. Above all be kind to yourself and know we are always here for you on the forums. xxx

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  But there aren’t any other good psychs in my area and none of the private psychs are even taking new patients people have been having to 4-8 hours to find a psych in other states because there aren’t enough in my area. Plus I don’t know what else I am meant to do I don’t know how else or say it so people understand I am not saying that it isn’t something I have to do but I honestly don’t know what else to try or how anymore.