Lived Experience Forum

[Lemonjuice]

Hi everyone,

I have been having a conversation about suicidal ideation with my counsellor this past week.  I have been experiencing urges to suicide for a long time now, so long that it's normal way of being for me.  She said to me, that that was the point, that it had now become so normal that I could no longer trust my thoughts and feelings about it and I needed to trust others to figure it out for me. I've always controlled it, no matter how bad it got, and the urges sort of come and go.  I can't be calling lifeline three or four times a day and there's no use going to hospital...by the time I get there, I will be ok again.  In the end, I agreed to call Lifeline if the urge became strong.  It's confusing though, cause what's a small urge for me, is a crisis situation to her or others...so how do you know when it's time to call for help?

[Tay]

Hey Lemon,

that's a difficult question - we all need help - I'm sitting outside alone in the dark right now wondering why I'm alive.  But I am, I have family whom I can't visit now, but I think they love me.  Suicidal thoughts are quite common - but they are a cry for help - if you seriously want to end your life now - please call 000. If you need someone to talk to call Lifeline 

[The-red-centaur]

@Lemonjuice hey Incan relate to this struggle.

I guess for me I know when to call when the thoughts start becoming more than thoughts, eg becoming plans or I'm engaging in serious self harm.

[Lemonjuice]

@The-red-centaur @Tay 

I spoke to my counsellor today about this.  What's been happening is that I am in a constant state of depression and feeling overwhelmed, to such a degree that I just need to have an argument or be hurt by family, or a bill comes in, or something breaks down and I go from 0 to 100 in terms of being suicidal in seconds.  Last time was a couple of weeks ago.  I had a bad argument with my nephew and found myself shutting down, going on automatic and leaving my house to go end it.  I meant to go one place, ended up somewhere else and I know it sounds zany but it was getting on, nearly 5pm and I had the thought that my nephew would be in a stinking mood if there was no food after work.  It was enough to wake me up, for me to regain control and I went home.  Today, she re-emphasized that while the urges come and go, if I do something like that again, then I must contact someone...lifeline.  I agreed again to do that, don't want to, it's a total waste of time cause I have always controlled it but ok, a promise is a promise.

[Tay]

I've always been what my family and friends call stubborn - tell me not to do something I'll do it. But they can only support me so much - I love them and they love me  - sometimes I'm not in a frame of mind to talk to them - but then they say why haven't you called. It's tough to understand how people without mental illness react to you - I'm getting help but my family thinks there's an end date - a suddenly being cured date. It's hard to cope- i understated completely - in saying that Lifeline can help - they saved my life last year - take care sweety 

[Former-Member]

Just saw your post, are you alright @Lemonjuice ?

[Lemonjuice]

@Tay I'm the opposite, I'm high functioning, so, while my family knows I have panic attacks and depression, I don't ask for their help or appear sick in front of them.  Infact, I pick other people up.  Inside my head I am a mess though.  We do share one major thing though, there's no quick fix or end date and it can take one's whole life of working on ourself.  I have been listening to this guy called Gabor Mate and he has achieved a great deal in his life, but he is still working on himself, going on retreats, etc.  I wonder if it's better that we just give up on the idea of 'fixing' our mental illness and start thinking about it as a life journey project.

[Lemonjuice]

@Former-Member  I'm ok. I have my moments but I am working on it.

[Lemonjuice]

@Former-Member  and I am so rude...thank you for thinking of me.💓

[Former-Member]

I don't think you're rude, and I understand about having moments. @Lemonjuice