16-05-2019 09:38 PM
Hi, haven't been on for a while now. Not sure if anyone remembers me or what I was up to last time. My therapist had moved on to private practice, so I couldn't afford him and so I was considering whether to apply for ndis. I decided against it, I've been given a new therapist and she is lovely. I've only seen her two times but she is pretty good, so I will stay with her.
The other reason I haven't been around is that a couple of months ago, we found out that my 80 year old mother has leukemia. She has gone through three bone marrow tests which are horrendous to witness, transfusions, chemo, etc. She is so bruised and exhausted and I get a ringside seat to it all. Apparently, I'm resilient though, so I just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.
To be honest, I'm kind of relieved, she's been suffering for a long time now, from diabetes related problems. I'm also relieved because I've been suffering with her. I've been a carer for some 30 years now, dad, mum, my sister's kids. Dad's gone, my sister's kids are now adults and now my mum is going. After she goes, I will have no responsibilities or obligations to anyone...my carer days will be over. I will be alone but it won't matter. I think I would like to take a few months away from everything and everyone...go to Tasmania. It will give my niece and nephew a chance to get comfy living without me. I don't know after that, might go back and see some of the places we lived in, old school, etc, a biographical journey. I think I will call it a day at that point. I can't really see any real reason to live past that and the truth is, I was never really keen on life, I kind of just existed cause it was the thing to do or because others needed me. I never got married or had relationship, never had kids, only worked for a while before anxiety kicked in and became disabled and study is tediously slow cause of my issues. All round, it's been boring, exhausting and meaningless. I do feel relief that after so many years, it's finally coming to a close.
16-05-2019 09:55 PM
I'm really sorry to hear about the news of your mother's diagnosis, I can only imagine how distressing that must feel to witness her go through all of that treatment. I can also understand that you're feeling relieved at the thought of your caring duties coming to a close in the event that she passes away, and the freedom that will come with that. I am however quite concerned about your safety and well-being because of what you mentioned about calling it a day at some point in the future, so I will send you a check-in email now just to touch base.
Kindest regards, 3Jewels.
16-05-2019 09:56 PM
Hi @Lemonjuice 👋
i just wanted you to know that I’m hearing you. I have had that feeling for a very long time too, that there would be an inevitable end sooner rather than later. Just now im ok and not thinking about it as much, it hasn’t left me but it’s not here either.
I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a hard time caring for your mum. It must be hard.
I hope you get to just be you and find some peace in tassie. Maybe that peace will be enough to keep putting one foot in front of another for a bit longer yet. Tassie was always the place I thought I’d like a sea change. Maybe it can be yours.
Take care of you 💜🤗
16-05-2019 10:07 PM
16-05-2019 10:12 PM
It sounds like a well deserved break @Lemonjuice . I love what you are planning to do.....and a little jealous 😌.
It sounds like a great plan with a dog companion as well. Wishing you all the best. I’m heading to sleep for now. Thanks for sharing what’s happening for you.
16-05-2019 10:29 PM
So sorry to hear about your mum's health. You are resilient by continuing to move forward. Going to Tasmania in a campervan and with a dog sounds like bliss @Lemonjuice, would you drive around the entire state? Would you ever consider driving around mainland Australia once you've done Tassie?
16-05-2019 10:39 PM
17-05-2019 03:55 AM
@Lemonjuice Hi Lemonjuice it is good to see you again. I have been thinking of you on and off since your previous postings which were so gut wrenching. Two things I have always liked about you is your dry sense of humour which shows through on some of your posts and your toughness. You are one tough lady. I am glad you are back. Stay a bit longer this time. greenpeaxx
17-05-2019 11:26 AM
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