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Powderfinger
Senior Contributor

Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.

Hi everyone, 

 

One of the reasons I do not like to talk a lot is because I do not feel heard most of the time. I really put effort into "talking" about my reality as it is, and then quite often just never really feel heard. That is important to me. So, please hear me. 

 

Psychologically and humanly this does not make sense and perhaps I need to learn new things that I do not know how to learn. I realised this, this afternoon. There are some here @Anastasia and @Zoe that know my current situation with my ex.  For those that do not there is a thread here about it. I will find it after. 

 

My natural inclination is to connect. It has taken me  while for the penny to drop that with her she certainly has given off the vibes that there is no desire to connect at all. It is extremely hard still living in a house with someone you are no longer with. For those that do not know she is moving out and things have progressed. No date is known yet though as she has not been approved for somewhere to live. It is taking me a while for a lot of pennies to drop because I really had quite a huge brain snap. Briefly though, just want to mention that I had three major nervous breakdowns last year and never had any recovery time from either of them. My ex did make her contributions towards my breakdowns. 

In saying that she also did look after me, there wasn't a total lack of carelessness. I am just saying, it was a repeat cycle and the since early November up until now things went completely awry again. I am not saying I did not make mistakes, I am not perfect. Mistakes aside, it is not the right time for me to go about trying to work through that at the moment. I am not in the right space mentall nor physically. 

I just am wondering why it is so inappropriate for two people who shared their lives to have to so suddenly seperate themselves so very quickly. Is this normal, does this happen? It's making me very ill and going against my own grain of what I am like. I am having to adapt myself a fair bit and do things that I wouldn't do. I am not hoping to work it out by connecting, I know it is best that we are no longer in a relationship. I just cannot work out why two people who were sharing their lives cannot sit in the same room without so much hatred and animosity. 

 

I barely go in the house. I have made a home in my workshed, which wasnt even my intention. I go in to tet a bite to eat, make a drink, shower and use the toilet. That is it really. Its really hard, because I pay rent too. Its just that everytime I go in there, it feels that horrible for me. I certainly cannot handle anymore hostile behaviour, aggression and a complete dismissal of my presence. I am a very sensitive person and with my mental health/phsyical health being so bad I will just fall to pieces. 

Parts of my memory are vague, not because I cannot remember, but this is what happens to people like myself who suffer with C-PTSD. I do not call it disassociation like some people do. I have come to understand that the brain just is not able to cope and memory lapses are common in order to be able to cope with difficult situations and emotions when people are already struggling beyond what anyone should struggle with. 

I do not feel safe to be vulnerable around her. Anyway, back to my original point. I would like to know if something is wrong with me as a person? Is my aim to be amicable, cordial and polite during this horrible process an abnormality? I am truly struggling with the conecpt that I need to be different. As I said, I barely go into the house. I have noticed when I do go in there though that she is already doing lost of things differently. She laughs, watches lots and lots and lots of television, that is strange. She doesn't like television much. Pretty much acts like she would as if she was single and living by herself. 

Now, I am aware those are a lot of assumptions to make. You never truly know what is going on fro someone and you cannot know without really talking. In saying that, all connection has been cut. That is extremely hard for me so suddenly. Suddeness of huge events is what can put me back into trauma state. 

My best friends tragic death was sudden. I had some horrible events happen when I went O.S. for the very first time and the actions needing to be taken were swift and sudden, a few other traumatic events that involved a lot of suddeness and quick action. Its quite a big trigger for me. So, I realised last night after looking something up that there is such a thing as emotional shock. I was reading about it but could take very little in. I feel yes I have been and perhaps am still in emotional shock. 

I am well aware I very much need to give my body time to adjust. The issue is my situation of her living here and me feeling everything I have just expressed is not helping me or my body. I so want to ask her when are you moving out, so I can start to see and end to this and be able to start recovering slowly.  I know I cannot ask her this because not even she knows. I am not in any psition to think of her at all and her needs. At times I naturally flow to that, but I also know I need to change this because her needs being met are not my issue. Its a new conecpt in life for me to start meeting my own needs but I have made a small start. 

 

I want to ask her to go out sometimes, so I can have some time in the house without her there. I do not ask because it may create an argument and I also do not ask because I am hurt. I am not strong enough emotionally, mentally, physically to be able to really cope with anything. 

I thought this fatrenoon, maybe I need to get away from here for a few days. Then I thought, well I dont exactly have the money and I do not knwo when she will be approved for a place. Unfortunately I need to be here when she is approved because certain arrangements have been made. I feel like I am completely stuck for options. I know I do have to do something because I cannot go on like this for much longer. I just have no idea what anymore. 

This is currently how I feel, then on top of it, there is all the damage that has been caused which is going to take therapy and time for me. I wish I could make a start but right now I need to get through what is right in front of me. 

 

This is what is right in front of me. There are people on here who are not in a bad and unclear headspace, like myself. 

I really need support, plus possible option that I can really consider that will be and are workable. I cannot think of these things for myself. Please do no respond to my post if you have not heard me at all. As much as I love to help people, I am not looking to connect with you to hear your detailed story of your past experiences. I am here because I generally need help with all this. 

Please do not give me support line numbers to call, trust me I know them off by heart. I am reaching out the forumn, people here, if I need a support line, I would use it. Right here is what I need. 

 

I am asking fo genuine help and I do hope someone reaches back. I'm at my wits end. 

60 REPLIES 60

Re: Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.

Hi beautiful @Powderfinger 

I hear you. I hear your frustration and pain. 

It is extremely hard still living in a house with someone you are no longer with, I have done this and it is excruciatingly painful emotionally. NOT at all good for anyone's haidspace. So you are definitely not alone in finding the situation "difficult" (probably a better word hun but the best I could come up with)

 

You ask " I just am wondering why it is so inappropriate for two people who shared their lives to have to so suddenly seperate themselves so very quickly. Is this normal, does this happen?"

Yes it does. Again it is heartbreaking and the best way to cope is to NOT live together, something not possible at the moment. 

I think it's fair for you to ask her how her moving is progressing, that does not seem unreasonable at all. I can imagine she would be struggling too even though it appears not. We all have our own unique ways of showing how we del with things. I act like she does ( as though nothing is wrong) even though I'm crumbling inside. 

Perhaps if it's too difficult to speak to her, could you write her a note, explain that it's not healthy for either of you to be living like this. 

Perhaps you could agree on a date that she could work towards being moved out? I know this sounds harsh, but I promise you can't start to heal whilst she is still there. 

I don't believe you have anywhere else to go? If you do perhaps this would be an option even just for a few days? 

My heart breaks for you hun. Here for you x

 

Re: Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.

@Anastasia 

 

Hi.

 

Thank you for answering. It does help put a bit if perspective on things. Yes, this is excruciating in every way. It's only been four days since the arrangement is well set in motion for her to relocate. She has made solid steps. Went and looked at a place the day it was decided and another three to look at. 

 

I won't ask her just yet because it's been public holidays, weekends and there really is a severe housing crisis happening right now. People move here and end up struggling to find a place. They are not aware of the crisis. 

 

Yeah, thanks for clarifying that is how you actually deal with things. People do have different ways. Well hey, I truly did love this woman so very deeply. My heart will just not allow me to add to her crumbling inside, with pushing to move so I can heal. If she was extremely violent, a raging alcoholic or drug addict then different story. She is none of those things. She is a person in life that also has problems, struggles, pain and hurt. Hard to see when you are a mess yourself. 

 

I am.aware I cannot start to heal while she is here. I just cannot force it. I'm going to crumble more when she actually leaves. I have not fully accepted the break up yet. It hurts too much. I have too much to confront and it's going to be hard. There's love and being in love, I need to decide which of these things I feel. 

 

I may speak again with you. I just need to take time to process what you have said. 

 

Love you. Xxxx

Re: Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.

Here for you when you are ready x @Powderfinger 👂 🤗❣️

Re: Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.

Thank you @Anastasia 

 

I don't see you post, do cannot give more and lend an ear, smile advice or support. 

Re: Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.

I don't post often dear @Powderfinger 

When I do it's here Trying to stay Sane 

I'm back to work today ☹️

Just tying to find the motivation to get up.

Will be thinking of you today my friend and hoping you have some light in your day. Love and hugs xxx

Re: Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.

That sounds really rough @Powderfinger and as @Anastasia has so aptly put it, such a difficult situation to try to navigate- I'm not sure there is an easy answer. I'm hearing your struggle, your hurt and your pain and I'm sorry. It seems to me that you are someone who cares and feels very deeply- no wonder this feels so hard!

I'm also sensing a great deal of self awareness- you've been able to identify there's been a trigger and that you may currently be reacting to it and that you are a sensitive person (in no way a bad thing!) and that that is having an impact on your response to the situation. It also sounds like you've got a great deal of knowledge and insight into how your CPTSD may be having an impact here. I know these don't exactly resolve the situation, but I feel like it's a great step in terms of enabling you to narrow down and articulate fairly specifically what the issue you're struggling with is. Not only that, but I've seen a lot of strength and resilience in you also- I've heard about some of the hard times you've been through, but also about how you've gotten up again and kept going.

Feel free to keep posting here and reaching out for support if you need it though, as you have been, and please know we're here and we'll ride with you. 

Re: Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.

@Anastasia it's hard to go back to work after a break. I'm.still really just not sure what is going on at all, it will be tough for a while. Getting my thoughts out helps clear fog a bit. 

Re: Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.

@TideisTurning 

 

I'm.just acknowledging what you have posted for now, I will come back to it and respond. Thank you. 

Re: Head spinning, head a major mess, need support and help ASAP PLEASE.

@TideisTurning 

 

Hi there. 

 

I am assuming being a peer support worker can be immensely challenging at times as well as rewarding at others. For me I have spent time with so many peer support workers now and with most of them I felt no connection. I felt no connection because of the same things being said and a lot of the time it felt so impersonal. There are only two peer support workers I have met that really made an impact in my life and that I truly did connect with. 

 

I tend to close up when I do not feel a connection. I left the mental health industry behind me a long time ago, with no intentions of ever going back. There was never a time it enriched my life in any way or aided me in getting better, in fact, it made me and my life a whole lot worse. 

In saying all this I do appreaciate you writing to me and saying what you have. I just felt I could not connect with you and what you were saying. It does not mean you are wrong, it does not mean I am wrong, it just means for me that I couldn't connect. I appreacited you telling me what you were sensing because to me that is connecting. You are telling me what you sense (feel) that is connecting. 

 

My self awareness is because I work hard. I sit alone, I ask myself tough and painful questions, I get tough and painful answers, I hurt a heck of a lot. I find I cannot sit with anyone and do this, well at least it is rare because people want to run from these conversations, not be honest with themselves, not talk or connect. I understand there would be all sorts of reasons for that. I am better off sitting by myself doing it and talking here at times. I do not like the process most of the time. It's sh...thouse and its own hell. It is lonely and isolating. 

 

You say you have seen a lot of strength and resilience from me. I have heard that so many many many times in my life. I understand you are pointing out the positive things. I have finally reached a ppint at the age of 41 where I want to scream when I hear it. I want to scream because I am so angry that life never gave me opportunities to rest from being strong, rest to bounce back. The strength and resilence people see means that the overwhelming amount of pain, the sheer exhaustion, the severe depression I go through, the anxiety that on some days can be through the roof, the times where I am up for an hour or two and I am so exhausted that I need to go back to bed, the tunnel that sees no light, the loneliness, the isolation and so on. People do not see that and if people do see it, they want to cover it up with something else for reasons unknown to me. I can tell you though it just makes me shut down further. 

As for my illness (it is not a disorder) C-PTSI Complex Post Traumatic Stress Illness, I am angry with the illness, I am angry with the people that significantly contributed to my illness. There is no justice for me.  There is no sorry nor resmorse. There is no awareness. Living with this illness because of what other people chose to do to me is yet another price to pay. A price I did not deserve, a price that no one deserves. Will I fully recover? No? The rubbish that gets naged on about regarding full recovery is just that...rubbish. I am not going to kid myself about it. That's just a set up for more hurt. Accepting this illness, I do not have a choice in that either. How can anyone dress that up to look pretty? If someone can I would like to see how they have done so? 

Early on with my ex, she knew from the start that I have this illness. I do not hide it from people who I deem relevant of needing to know. I had a few chats with her about my illness. What it is like, what I have to do, medication and so on. I would think a partner would at the very least not do things that they knew very well would put you back into a traumatic state and actually in effect re-experience old traumas with a few variations. Less than a week ago, I was yelled at apparently for her always triggering me about something. I already felt broken. I wonder if people realise that each time I have heard shit about me from someone I love, how a little piece of my heart gets chiiped to the point where I just sit there, with no fight left in me, no words to say, no defense for myself, just sit there and take it because I have no energy to fight anymore. I have been fighting for 35 years to just stay alive. One gets tired. 

So, yes when one speaks openly like this and connection is either feeling very impersonal, you get no response at all, or someone just cannot cope with what you say, I think eh there really is no point to any of it. 

 

This is also generally how I feel on a daily basis, whether I am offline or online. It is the one place, the only place I ahve got to come to where I can say exactly how I feel, where I can write what I want (within reason and rules) and just let it all out. For that I am very grateful and I truly do love Sane and the community. 

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