Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Used2Be]

Dh is going through one of his really low periods, but I am battling to find the right way to show support. He hates if I try and say encouraging things, he gets irritated. He also gets annoyed if I try do practical stuff, saying that I am too controlling or that he needs to do it himself. I cant win. I want to be supportive. He will say or do things that show he needs help/support, but he cant accept it. Or I am simply just getting it all wrong?

[Alessandra1992]

Sometimes the best thing is to just let time pass. When the dust settles and the atmosphere is calm, choose the right moment to have a gentle discussion on maybe exploring what works for you both.
Like maybe around, "sometimes when you do or say this, I feel worried, concerned? What can I do to help?"
Sometimes it may be possible to have agreed sets of signals/cues that you both agree, that at some point it is ok and definitely time to speak up..
Walking on eggshells ain't much fun for either of you and being a carer can be really hard. But being unwell can be pretty hard too..I am both. I have a foot in both camps as being a carer directly impacted on my mental health..I learned this wonderful principle from Grow..Reasonableness..my first exercise of love is to be reasonable, and my second is to aid and require others to be reasonable also..
This little sentence allowed me to learn to evaluate if I was over reacting, but also to set boundaries around the person I care for. It is not easy, and I still have to work hard at it, but I find it to be an essential truth in my life. Reasonableness allows for a harmony of relationships,and has helped me with working with psychologists, psychiatrists, school principals, teachers and anyone else that I may have to advocate to on behalf of the person I care for, or for myself...and of course, it helps enormously with the person I care for😄

[Hobbit]

Hi Used2Be,

I think the fact that you are just there is probably supportive enough. He he comes out of the low period, he might see that you are still there and are still teh lovely caring person you are. Maybe that's all you need to do.

Let us know how you are going.

Hobbit.