Lived Experience Forum

[Kalani]

***please be mindful that this post might be triggering for some***

Where do I even start. Before I really get into it please know that I am currently safe I just want to get my feelings out. I just wanna die. I genuinely mean it. Life just honestly sucks. I have no friends, no social life, everyday is full of anxiety and my family aren't taking me seriously. U see I have been off work for quite a while due to a self inflicted injury which resulted in surgery. I only got the ok to work from last night onwards. Today I got asked to work and my mum expects me to say yes like nothing happened. Like I don't constantly think of dying. She expects me to continue functioning even with these crippling thoughts. I just wanna scream at them that I wanna die. That I need immediate help. Not the help that is meant to come in a few weeks. It's just so hard. So extremely hard. I don't wanna be here anymore. In fact I don't even know what keeps me here anymore. But whatever it is that keeps me here is the only reason I am alive.

[Snowie]

Hi @Kalani 

Firstly hi, I don't think we have spoken before.

Well done for getting your feelings and thoughts out. It is an extremely hard thing to do at times.

I can understand the want to die and also that there are things that keeps us going and keeps us fighting. Life is so very hard at times and even harder when we are struggling.

I don't have a lot of advice but hope you find support on the forum. 

Please keep posting 💞💞

[Kalani]

Thank u for the support 

[HenryX]

Hello Kalani,

You have chosen an interesting forum name, Kalani. I would like to know what the name represents for you, and if you feel up to it, would like to know a bit more about you and what you would like from forum members.

You've mentioned that you are feeling as low as you have ever been. You have also cared enough for the forum members to give a caution about possibly triggering information in your post.

Thank you.

On the forum, we try to be careful about our anonymity, so without giving information that will identify you, can you tell us something about what you normally do.

If you are able to, can you tell us about what concerns you most at the moment? That would be helpful for any member who may be able to “talk” with you from the forum.

If you feel okay with this, I will be around for at least an hour, but there are other members who may be able to come back to you if you would like them to.

With Concern and Care For You, Kalani

HenryX

[Kalani]

Hi thank u so much for responding! I chose the name Kalani as I think it is such a rich name with beautiful meaning. It was also chosen by a friend quite a while ago. While I am no longer friends with this person, the name stuck with me. It has kind of become a nickname in many ways. 

Without going into too much detail I am 19 years old and currently studying at uni whilst also working casually. I guess what I want out of this community/forum is just a community that will listen without judgement. As people in this community have gone through similar things I know there will be a level of understanding I cannot get anywhere else. 

I guess part of my problem is I don't have a regular hobby or something I enjoy. In fact I find I do not enjoy much at all at the moment. All my energy is spent fighting these thoughts. I guess one thing I normally do are puzzles. I find the order and structure to puzzles to be a good distraction. 

I guess my main problem at the moment is anxiety. It consumes me. I am anxious all day every day. Leaving the house is an achievement for me. This anxiety rules my life and at the moment it is suffocating me. 

Once again thank u for the considerate response

[Kalani]

I also feel as though I am losing control and ultimately this battle. I really want to get help but as anyone who has interacted with the mental system knows, getting help is a long and frustrating process. 

[TideisTurning]

Hi @Kalani, I'm hearing your frustration. It can be really hard to find the help that feels right for you, but I want to encourage you to keep trying. For me, I found a little research about modalities helpful in terms of psychology as it helped narrow down therapists that might be helpful, but I also found it a little bit of trial and error. Wishing you all the best as you navigate this rough road. 💜

[HenryX]

@Kalani 

Thank you Kalani, I am very pleased that you felt comfortable responding as you have. Interestingly, I also like the name you have chosen as your forum name.

I can say that the issues that I have had are different from the ones you have described in some ways. However, I can understand some of the feelings that you have described.

You are right about judgement; members on the forum generally have known enough about their own feelings to know that judgement is definitely neither appreciated nor helpful.

You have mentioned that you do not enjoy it much at all at the moment. You are fighting thoughts that seem to be difficult to get rid of. At the same time, you have mentioned the order that you find appealing about puzzles.

In my experience, I have found that it is very difficult to get rid of ideas by trying to get rid of them.

Allow me to explain myself, please. When we are trying to get rid of a thought we logically have to think about the thought we are trying to get rid of. Sometimes I explain this idea by holding up my hand and asking the person with whom I am speaking to push their hand against mine. Remember the old equal and opposites thingy (Please excuse my very physics type explanation – but I think you will understand) anyway to maintain a position there has to be an equal and opposite force. If one hand is removed there is nothing to hold against and it will drop. I believe the same applies to thoughts, that sometimes we fight so hard to prevent the thought that we actually encourage its resistance.

I also understand the feeling of anxiety. That is something that has been in my life.

What I'll do now, is post this response and if you would happy to tell me your thoughts, maybe we can talk a bit more, or arrange another time if you would like. I am free to continue if you wish.

I've done a very quick proofread so please excuse any errors

Cheers Kalani

HenryX

[Kalani]

Thank u for the thoughtful response. Your advice is very helpful and I believe u are right. I guess one has to accept a thought and let it pass rather than resist it. I would expand further but I am afraid I don't have the time at the moment. I do hope that we can speak again soon as I am grateful for your engagement and care in listening and speaking with me. 

[HenryX]

@Kalani 

Thank you Kalani for your reply

I am pleased to have been able to speak with you

I wish you Very Well and hope we may "talk" again

With My Very Best Wishes

HenryX

P.S. To flag someone and let them know that you have posted a message simply place an "@" symbol in front of their forum name anywhere in your message text; eg. for me that would be "@HenryX" for Snowie it would be "@Snowie". If I was letting you know I had left a message I would enter "@Kalani". This then goes on the "Your Notifications" new message received board. To view "Your Notifications" left-click on "new" to the top right of the screen.

Cheers & Best Wishes Kalani,

HenryX