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Embarrassed and unsure about the past

I recently stumbled upon some things i wrote down a long time ago and it kind of freaked me out a lot and also made me feel weird. I didnt remember a lot of it at first but then I remember bit of it now and I guess I didnt really think that things were that intense at the time, for some reason i thought it wasnt as bad as the last few year have been back then but actually it kind of was and I feel so embarrassed about the things i did and said back then. some of it still hasnt gone away and i try really hard to think that i didnt mean to be that way but i feel so uncomfortable and unsure of everything now. how are you supposed to be at peace with your past when it was ruined by your mental health? 

18 REPLIES 18

Re: Embarrassed and unsure about the past

Hiya @Eden1919. I'm with you with how unsettling it can be to look back at how things were during hard or shaky times. I can feel pretty uncomfortable with the way I have been at times and things I've done and said.

Sometimes I can get caught looking back. I try to tell myself that I did the best I could with what I had at the time. Sometimes I have to sit with the yucky feelings and the weird unsettled stuff it brings up then consciously let it pass, reminding myself that was then and this is now.

I think it helps me to remember that all of my past stuff has taught me something or given me a lesson in some way. I wouldn't be who I am now if I hadn't gone through what I have and I'm kind of ok with who I am now most of the time (though I have my moments). If nothing else, my experiences have given me empathy and to me that's a good thing.

I don't know if that's a feeling of peace for me. Peace isn't something I experience that much of, but maybe it's more like accepting that I can't change what happened but I can grow through it maybe.

That might all sound very airy fairy, sorry if it does!

Re: Embarrassed and unsure about the past

@Eden1919 Hi Eden1919 I will tell you something from my heart and I hope it helps to make you feel a little bit better. I have recently admitted to my beautiful neighbour something I did when I was manic. It is something which I regret with all my heart and something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. She was so forgiving and kind. She said I was sick during this period and not thinking clearly. She gave me a lovely hug and when I said should I go to the police she said no. 

 

Even now I look back and think about things I think I did but am not sure because I have no one to talk about it with. I would not bring it up with my pdoc or any of my family it is stuff that I have to live with for the rest of my life and try and forgive myself in the knowledge that I was so sick when these things happened.

 

If you need someone to forgive you I will be that person Eden1919. I will tell you that you were not yourself you were suffing because of your mi. You are a good, kind person. Be gentle with yourself and know that we all love you here on Sane forum regardless of what you have said and done. Your friend always peaxx

Re: Embarrassed and unsure about the past

Hi @Eden1919, it's something I am still overcoming and find it hard to let go and not dwell on. The past shapes who we are, but, it does not define us or our future  Hopefully we learn and become better from it.

 

The others have answered far better, but, I think it's something a lot of us here have to deal and live with. 

Re: Embarrassed and unsure about the past

@CheerBear  it makes sense trying to take a positive from the experience it makes it easier to live with.

@greenpea  thank you Heart I am glad your daughter was so kind about it. 

@Gazza75  thank you.

 

I suppose it isnt just the feeling of guilt and regret it is more that now i feel very unsure of myself I thought I was a certain way and now it seems i was not. I also remember at the time thinking that I didnt have anything wrong and that I was just a bit different. and I didnt even realise how long some of those things went on for it was years and years and i never told anyone I still havent told anyone nearly 10 years later a lot of it. and again nearly 10 years later I am still experiencing some of the same things, things that didnt leave and i still believe but just try to ignore. I just feel like I am not sure if i can trust myself because i feel like everything i thought i was standing one has been shaken up again only now there is a lot more to lose if i slip through the cracks. I just didnt think I would have scared myself. 

Re: Embarrassed and unsure about the past

@Eden1919  Hey Eden1919 try not to worry about the past and if you will do the same things again in the future. You have a very good sense of awareness much more than I do. The fact that you are able to ignore alot of the things that bother you is a good sign that you will not  repeat the past. If you do repeat the past you are only human and you and I have a mi and do our best in coping with the problems that a mi puts upon us. 

 

You are a intelligent person who does her best that is all you can ask of yourself is to keep trying. peaxxx

Re: Embarrassed and unsure about the past

Morning @Eden1919. I hope you had an ok evening.

I think that while there is some good that comes out of mental health challenges, there's a lot of loss too and that deserves to be recignised and honored. The time you lost and the loss of trust in yourself that has come from what you've been through is big.

I feel like a really tough blow that's come from my MH stuff is in losing trust in myself too. Not trusting that I won't fall apart again and being scared of the dark and twisted places my mind might go (which I know about because I've been there) has a big impact on me and the way I live my life. It makes me question myself and people in my life. There's loss in that and grief too. I find grief so complex. It comes out as anger for me often, and things like confusion, uncertainty and fear. It's really tricky.

I don't have much to say but I think it's great that you're able to reflect on what you've been through and try to make sense of it all as I believe that can help protect us going forward. I hope you can find a way to do that without the guilt though I get that it's really, really hard to do.

Re: Embarrassed and unsure about the past

Hey @Eden1919 . I find meds and supplements for scizophrenia (which I've recently started and am responding well to) help me to never look back. The past just doesn't come up & I'm only looking forward.

 

I think guilt is a useless emotion if it persists. It's just supposed to be a quick tap on the shoulder to say, "stop what you're doing, you know that's wrong." and that's it. It's not meant to hang around.

 

How did you go with your exams? Have you been eating & managing with your laundry, grocery shopping 7 food prep?

Re: Embarrassed and unsure about the past

@Eden1919 

Smiley Happy

A lot of it can be about growing older and wiser.  We can only know ourselves and the world from the position we are in, and gradually take a broader outlook.  We all do things that may be embarrassing, but it is huge you have simply admitted that to yourself.

 

@BryanaCamp  is right in that it is  no use to keep whipping yourself about it.   

 

Heart

Smiley Happy

Take Care

Re: Embarrassed and unsure about the past

Definitely growing older and wiser helps. I find it helpful to try and find positives of BPD and try not to get lost in ruminating and feeling embarrassed and regret; we treat ourselves more harshly than others. Forgive yourself and look forward..

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