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Depleted
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Depleted, lonely and helpless wife reaching out in desperation...

Hi Everyone,

I have just found this forum and so I am a first time poster.

Where do I start? My husband has been chronically depressed for over 2 years. Over this period of time he has repeatedly felt suicidal, and has had one failed suicide attempt, while I was away at work about 6 months ago. At a point of total despair, I readmitted him to a psychiatric hospital just over 2 weeks again. We anticipate that he will be there for another month at least. While in hospital this time around, his doctors are trying out new medications on him and he is also receiving rTMS treatment.

While I take heart in knowing that he is safe in hospital, I am really struggling, myself. My husband has changed so much over the past few months. At times I feel like I barely know him anymore - he can be so distant and disenagaged from me. I feel like nothing that I do is good enough to help him with his depression. I am completely exhausted from trying to be so strong for so long - holding everything together at home, working all day, and then visiting him after work every night [his hospital is an hours drive from my workplace, and another 45 mins away from our home]. I am feeling completely depleted, and more and more often, I'm starting to feel suicidal myself. I pray for him all the time, but I am fast losing hope that he will ever get better again. My worklife is suffering after I had to take 6 months off work to care for him and to try to get my own mental health back on track. While my bosses have been understanding to date, I don't know how much longer this will last, and I'm really worried about how this is affecting my career, in the longer term. As I am the breadwinner, this is super stressful for me.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I love my husband more that I could ever express in words, but to be honest, his illness is destroying me. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about this... so I'm hoping that I can find some support from this forum, at least.

I cry myself to sleep every night and I am feeling very, very lonely and helpless at the moment. I'm reaching out because I am feeling desperate and really need some hope at the moment.

With gratitude,

Depleted in Paradise

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Depleted, lonely and helpless wife reaching out in desperation...

Hi @Depleted

Welcome to Sane and thank you for sharing your story. You certainly have been through a very difficult time and it does sound like you may be suffering from burnout. I can relate being a carer and also having suffered depression myself. It's very important now for the sake of your husband and yourself to step back a bit now and get some rest for yourself. Perhaps see your husband every second day or have a weekend off - or work out an arrangement where you can get some much needed respite. Do you have family and friends for support? Have you discussed how you are feeling with your GP?

You may find the Mental Health Carers Australia a valuable contact for support and advice. I hope the treatments in hospital help your husband to beat his depression and everything gets better for you both soon.

 

Re: Depleted, lonely and helpless wife reaching out in desperation...

@Depleted

I'm sorry to hear you are having a really hard time right now.  I am a person who suffers terribly from depression, anxiety and PTSD, but there is no way I would ever ask or expect my husband to give up work and everything in his life to look after me 24/7.  My honest opinion is that I feel your husband is expecting too much of you.  Others on here may have a different view, but I feel it is very unfair and selfish of him that he expects you to give up everything in your life to look after him.   I feel for your situation and I hope you can get some support from your GP or a counsellor to help you.

Re: Depleted, lonely and helpless wife reaching out in desperation...

Hey @Depleted

I care for my husband (aka Mr Darcy) who has had psychotic depression with a suicide attempt, he is not able to work at present.

It took quite some time for me to come to terms with the attempt - please do be ever so gentle with yourself in relation to this.

Caring for someone is draining esp while holding down a full time job (which I did but am now 4 days wk).

When Mr D was in hospital I went down Tues/Thurs pm and at the weekend, if pdoc needed to see me I might have gone another day, sometimes I would miss a Saturday or Sunday. (I went down daily while he was in ICU)

It took me too long to grasp the concept of looking after myself as all the carer support information says.

I found the Wellways 'Building a future snapshot' class to be beneficial (Mr D's pdoc gave me a work certificate to attend - it is well documented that family psych education leads to better outcomes for the patient), this is s link to their website.

https://www.wellways.org/our-services/support-families-friends-and-carers

There are others on this forum who care for their partners - we all have an occasional vent - knowing others here understand.

There are some social spaces too, might tag you in a couple of threads so you can 'meet' some others.

Darcy

Re: Depleted, lonely and helpless wife reaching out in desperation...

Dear @Depleted,

Welcome ! You are not alone out there. I care for my wife with complex PTSD and this forum has helped me so much by being part of it. Reading other people comments and experiences has been very helpful to me. I hope it will be for you too.

Re: Depleted, lonely and helpless wife reaching out in desperation...

Hey @Depleted
How are you going?

Re: Depleted, lonely and helpless wife reaching out in desperation...

I get where you are at. I too am married to a beautiful man but I know after his last episode things had to change. I had to wait until he was ok again but explained to him how I was being burnt out and had compassion fatigue. I also explained that if I didn’t get to be who I am and have my own time for myself I would have a breakdown and then where would we be as he would have no one. The truth has to be spoken and acknowledged.

I have felt at times that I get lost in hubbies bi polar Aspergers paranoid world and am dominated by his mental health. It is very hard for my husband to understand that I am NOT Bi polar. That’s where the paranoia fits in.

I was the sole breadwinner for 9 yrs but am now retired as such due to physical disabilities of my own. In our situation we don’t have much but we are OK and it’s much less threatening psychologically speaking for my husband as he wasn’t dealing with the male ego side of things on top of everything else.

if you are crying yourself to sleep every night.  ( been there) your body is telling you that you need a helping hand. Speak to your GP and arrange for counseling. Sometimes unloading with a total stranger is the way to go and will give you a little bit of very badly needed support. 

Definately cut back on the visits as exhaustion comes in many forms. Traveling is a major one. Balance is what’s needed. He might not realize but he needs to have time alone to work on his health as much as we want to we can’t do it for them.

Big hugs and sunshine. 🌼

 

Re: Depleted, lonely and helpless wife reaching out in desperation...

Hey @Depleted
Checking in

Re: Depleted, lonely and helpless wife reaching out in desperation...

Hey @Depleted
How are you going? It can be a long road back after an attempt. For us there has been a distinct 'before' and 'after'. Healing from Mr D's psychotic depression and attempt has been slow, I found comfort from reading this article.

https://www.google.com.au/amp/www.beliefnet.com/columnists/beyondblue/2012/09/i-said-to-my-soul-be-s...

Re: Depleted, lonely and helpless wife reaching out in desperation...

To “wait without thought”. The words are true. The lull between the madness, the still before the storm. Somehow that’s where the love is. X

 

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