24-06-2019 12:17 PM
I’m not coping. I went off my anti-antidepressants just before Christmas because I was feeling fine and thought it was time to get off them after 11 years. BIG MISTAKE!!
I’m a mess and have been since January. I ended up more depressed than ever and have experienced the worst anxiety I’ve ever experienced. It was debilitating and the anxiety kept me company 24/7 with no letting up. Shortness of breath and shaky hands became my normal. It all came to a head in April and I ended up in my local hospital’s psych ward. Not the nicest of places but I needed the “retreat” at that time. Since being back home I see a counsellor from the hospital on a weekly basis which has helped me but still, my days have become monotonous & boring. I can’t think straight & I just feel like i’m waiting for the ultimate monster to come get me. I feel like my future is looking so bleak that no one can help me. The main trigger that set me off once I weaned off my meds was the lull in the economy. I run a small business with my husband and this is our livelihood. A downturn in sales in my mind meant losing everything we had built up together. Our house, our business, our lifestyle, everything. I keep thinking the inevitable is going to happen when we lose everything and I’ve become paralysed by the fear. My husband doesn’t seem to share my fears and just thinks we downsize the business to match the current market. My head tells me differently. When talking with any of the counsellors, psychologists or psychiatrists, none of them seem to address this fear and instead want to focus on changing my way of thinking to be in the present, ie: not thinking about the past or future. I don’t see how I’m going to get better. I feel so alone.
24-06-2019 12:48 PM
Hi @Sad2 , welcome to the forums, its nice to meet you. I'm sorry you have been through such a hard time in the last 6 months. I have been in a psych ward so know how challenging that can be. Are you back on medication now? Its good that you are getting ongoing support, but, it sounds like you need more than that right now.
It's hard not to be fearful about losing everything, especially when you've worked so hard to get it in the first place. I think you have to plan and think for the future when your trying to run a business, that seems fairly logical to Me.
As far as keeping the wolves at bay, all I can think of is to really monitor your cash flow more than you have before and try to keep ahead of any further downturn. I'm not sure the economy is going to turn around any time soon, especially if your in a rural area or small town. Times are so hard. Maybe you can keep an eye out for other work to subidise your income if things keep falling away.
Your not alone. Lots of people have been through similar experiences and I think will provide a great deal of comfort and support to you. Have a look round the forums and don't be afraid to say Hi to people. I've only been here a short time, but, have found it very welcoming.
If you want people to get notified about your posts , add the @Sad2 to their name. Take good care and don't be afraid to reach out for help
24-06-2019 01:27 PM
thank you for your reply. I appreciate the support. Yes, I’m back on my anti-depressants and I’m also on anti-psychotics (for the anxiety). You’re right about watching the cashflow which I’m doing but I can’t handle being involved with work right now because every little thing becomes bigger things in my head. I’m lucky enough to have my sister fill in for me at work. Both my sister & my husband don’t want me checking on the business financials right now because they know I’ll overreact and not be able to deal. My counsellor agrees. The only problem with this is that I make up stories in my head of what I think is happening.
24-06-2019 01:43 PM - edited 24-06-2019 02:36 PM
@Sad2, it's good that you have your sister and husband supporting and you can trust them to look after 'work' for a while. I know the feeling of things getting bigger in our minds, but, it sounds like your conscious of that and have taken measures to keep it in check. Well done.
How are you sleeping? For me, my spiral into mania was from lack of sleep so I'm always pretty mindful of asking people about that.
I think that signs of overreaction from you just show how much you care about your work and livelihood.
You already seem a bit calmer, so hopefully getting everything off your chest earlier was some help.
Sometimes, as hard as it is, we have to put our faith and trust in others and that might be the crossroads your at now. I think in the short to medium term you really need to take care of yourself as best you can and not get to caught up in work. Try and help your sister and husband in other ways to show your appreciation if you can. I think they would probably be just happy if that you are looking after YOU. Thanks for being so open and honest about what your going through, I know its not easy.
25-06-2019 05:13 PM
My sleep patterns are not great right now. I avoid going to sleep until we’ll after midnight which I know is not healthy or helping me. You were spot on with summarising where I’m at at the moment. I’m trying to take one day at a time but I really wish I’d start having more good days than bad. I need to be patient, I know
25-06-2019 08:28 AM
@Sad2, maybe try and focus on those little things for yourself. Sleep a liltte more if you can. Try to fit in some exercise, eat healthy. I know its hard to be patient, especially when you just want to get on with things. I'm really battling with it myself right now in regard to my weight so I do know where you are coming from. Take care and stay as positive as you can.
25-06-2019 12:20 PM
@Gazza75 I feel for you about the weight thing. I’m putting weight on because of the meds. I’m having a very low day today, I don’t really see a way out. I hope you’re doing ok.
25-06-2019 12:30 PM
Hi @Sad2 , I'm doing pretty well thankyou for asking. I have a farm where I am heading out to today. It lets me clear my head and get away from everything. I'm very lucky in that I can work remotely. I don't like my job all that much, but, I do like the freedom of being able to do that.
I'm sorry about your weight problems to. Its not easy to have that on top of everythng else that is going on right now for you. Do you have any hobbies you can do to take your mind of things for a while? Do you listen to much music? I find music a good escape and can help me focus on things.
I know things are a bit rocky now, but, you should take some comfort and positives out of what and your husband have accomplished. It's no small feet to have your own business a home and other things in todays world. It takes a lot of courage and effort to do that. I did it myself for a few years without a great deal of success.
Hang in there, you have support and people that care about you.
25-06-2019 03:35 PM
Thank you @Gazza75
i’m glad you have a place to go to chill out. Hope you enjoy it. I do like listening to music & I restore antique furniture as a hobbie. My husband mentioned today that we’re going to downsize the business even further. I’m really hoping that we can keep the business running. He seems to think we can. I instead feel helpless & overwhelmed by this. It’s so tiring. I need to be around for my 16 year old daughter. I can’t be seen to be moping around all the time.
25-06-2019 03:50 PM
@Sad2, I hope you can keep the business going to. It sounds like you have been operating for a good while and despite the short term looking a bit gloomy, hopefully you can get it growing when times are better. I understand how worried you are by this and how much its wearing you down. I'm sure your daughter knows that your there for her if she needs you. I think its hard to find the balance between staying active with things and also having the down time you need for yourself. Maybe try and treat yourself to something, it doesn't need to anything to flash, but, it might give you a bit of a lift.
For once, I should be round later tonight if you want to chat a bit more. My thoughts and best wishes are with you. Take care.
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