Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

grown up in a small county town n i found myself getting along with older people i  was young 13 talking to 18 20 year olds, alot of em on drugs and drinking doing crime and  some of em even died. im 28 now but its taken its toll its formed me scared me now, im scared from the things iv seen them do, i was made to fight n pick on others  i didn't know what i was doing back then was all so very exciting n fun i love thrills it wasn't normal i know but i didn't care n i started hitting drugs n drinking just about everyday playing cars n bikes n it lead to getting into trouble with the police alot, they got me stealing stealing anything i could n i was good at it, anything from playstations n consoles to dvds to beer n bottle of alcohol dvd players i got it... didn't last long till the cops court us n that's pritty much where my troubles started, was like that for along time long enought to miss alot of school my mum and dad couldn't control me i had protection they couldn't find me and when i did go home i wasn't there long before i sneaked out or pretend to go off to school witch i hardly did,

i fill really bad for treating my family like i did and getting them involved with certain things, there was never trouble at home my mum n dad loved me very much they was always there for me trying to remove me from the crowed i like being with, they tried alot of different sports buying me a dirt bike enrolling me in different program's music lesions things like that they tried there best im very grateful of my mum and dad i love them so much now, but its to late my dad died n my mums a mess she tries to keep it together but i know shes lost now my dads gone its been 8years since my dads passed iv never said much about it im still not sure how to express myself about it n let it go so i keep it bottled like most of the things that trouble me now,  

i have never touched anything other than weed iv been smoking it since i was 13, up until my dad passed in 2008 i loved smoking weed i never had no trouble with it, supply n demand iv delt it before for many dealers im well know for it being involved with older people getting it was easy selling it even easier, 

when my dad passed i hit a very ruff patch with mental issues begins to think my mates was out to get me always wanting to hurt me or set me up, i felt they was just around me to cheat me steal from me everybody just got nasty with me when they was drunk began saying things to me telling me things that had happen to them n that they wanted todo them things to me, i couldn't tell them to go away or go to the police because i live around all of em, not all the people i hung around did this but most of em did was very scary. i didn't know what todo i couldn't tell nobody everybody knows everybody and it would of got back pointed at me the little one of em all, i felt hopeless n scared i used to hide n leave places without saying a word to anybody until the next morning id sneak back home iv woken up in some strange places sheds under bushes in cars even in the roof, i used to run. it was my only option i couldn't stand up to these people u wouldn't understand, i may have only used weed n drank but alot of em used anything they could get ahold of i seen it all,  seen people getting there heads bashed it, meat cleavers in burning each other  bats bars legs being broken arms broken some trible stuff i cannot forget dog being set on others they didn't care iv seen slashings u shouldn't see n most of this happened when i was growing up it really scared me i didnt think seeing this would come back to hornt me but it does daily i know what people can do to each other when they want to, its sick now im stuck thinking like this i dont know what todo the weeds made it so much worse giving me panic attacks from the smallest things, im so scetchy on people now i cannot walk into a shop now without checking whos in there if i see anybody i dont fill confusable with or i thinks drunk i cannot be there i cannot meet new people now i hate it i dont fill comfatble any more i used to be very confident n i was mentally strong i had confidence in myself iv lost that now iv lost myself all over again,  

i know my wrighting might leave gaps n questions but im venting im filled with fear thats ready to dissable anybody who i dont fill right around its them or me i fill somtimes i dont understand why what has happend to me,

i keep saying to myself not everybody wants to hurt me not eveything i fills real and somthings dont even happen when i think they do im stuck with it im hopping i can find i was to clear it from my mind forever over come it,

im back living in the town i grow up in i had no other options but to come back here i had nowhere els togo witch is making me worse i cannot liv here propperly i know of way to many people n history with others, iv pushed everybody away from me apart from my family, my family is my life now they are they only people i can acutly be my self around.....

i just wanted to talk wright things iv never spoken of mention somthing thats affected me in the past n present, i still have mates but i chosse not to contact them i block them dont wanna talk to em most of the time and im lossing em one by one  i dont want to end up with none theres so much i injoy doing outdoors n activitys i need people to share with no fun doing things by yourself all the time but im to scared to involve em all the time i dont like em knowin where i am all the time if that makes sence iv got so much to say n be told i want it out i fill good just wighting it down some of it letting it out i hope it dosnt effect anybody in any way,  im a very stong willed people with a good manor n honesty i respect other i alwasy have i look arfter all i can but still this hornts me im lost i really dont know why it comes n goes...  

id like to hear your thorghts on my eperiance maybe some idears on how i can help myself any contibute is welcome even opions express yourself on how my story comes accross to you its all welcome  

[Faith-and-Hope]

If you do check back on the forums, you are welcome here .... and we are interested in your story ....

F&H

[Former-Member]

I hope you come back. It's my first time on a site like this and your story was the first I saw and it meant a lot. All I can say is that at the moment your mind is in a place where mine once was. Trouble is you never see that your living inside a tornado of until you move forward and look back at it and realise what you were in. You've made a right move already, by reading your story I can see your taking in all thats happened and vented, venting can be good for you cause it clears your head a little bit and helps you get your head around the size of your problems. The next right move is to figure out what to do now you know what you want to change. By my thinking you really need to forgive yourself for your past, you're not a bad person otherwise you wouldn't be troubled by what your past. Sounds like you were just lost for a while which is only human. It looks to me like there's things you want and a person you want to be but the best thing is if you can learn to forgive yourself, write off the crap thats holding you back you can just start being that person you want to be now and eventually everyone only sees you for who you are now because people can forgive. Not saying it's easy to do that, it was really hard for me and plenty of times I thought it wasn't working but it does in the end. Took me about 2years to get back trust and respect of people I care about but as they saw me grow it made their lives happier too. I think a nice first step might be to start giving your mum attention, nothing huge but even just finding one thing a week you like about her and slotting it into a casual convo or just stop by for a 5min chat. Depending on how your relationship with her works she may or may not be accepting or trusting at first but keep chipping away and you'll get through. Family are the best and it sounds like she's always been there for you. How cool is that? I know plenty of people who would disown a child who's done what you have, but not your parents, they are worth their weight in gold in my opinion. Maybe tell your mum you appreciate her for being there for you. About the anxiety, you did the right thing by talking about that too. Your post shows you know its a problem and I'msure you've tried things alreafy but there's always more options. Try a local community centre about counselling or see your doctor, it will help and if you don't believe me what's the harm in giving it a shot so then at least you can tick it off the list of things you've tried. No harm in giving it a go and its all totally confidential so noone will know unless you want them to. Good luck mate there's a lot of people there for you if you keep your mind open and just keep trying. Never quit 🙂